The minefield of parenting can't be made easy. But it can perhaps be made at least a little easier than it might be right now. I've written the following as much a reminder for myself as to help all of you. As with anything, we are all different. I hope some of these tips help you, or even remind you of what you may already know. These aren't all the tips I have, but instead are 15 things I felt to write about right now.
I will count down, as I have had an amazing amount of experience in counting down. Every. Single. Day. "We are leaving in 10, 9, 8……"
Anyway. Here are 15 parenting tips that I've learnt along the way:
15) Let the kids help.
Agh! I hate this, so I'm getting it over and done with first. I want to do everything myself, because I am super awesome and do everything right. Except I'm not and I don't. But I think I can always do things better than my children, and maybe have a slight issue with wanting to be in control of something (anything really) so therefore I try to do everything. The problem with this is that one person is incapable of battling the mess of seven people, and sometimes their ideas are actually better than mine. Especially Jack's. There have been many times over the years that I have woken to being shown a new organisational system that Jack has put into place and already briefed the others on. The first time that I remember, happened before Lucy was born. He sat explaining to Isabel the new system for arranging pull-ups in a drawer. She was one.
Some mums have mastered this letting-kids-help business, and I wish I could say I have. I'm a work-in-progress. Yesterday we all cleaned the walls in the hall together. I have bought a new range of cleaning products that are non toxic, which have helped me to be okay with them helping out with the cleaning that they really want to do.
I was reminded of just how important it is, and how much they love helping out, the other day as my children built little greenhouses as teams. Isabel turned to Henry smiling and asked, "are you glad you got to help Henry?" With a huge smile he nodded. So, yes, I will continue to try to encourage my children to help out. And will try really hard to say yes when they want to do a job that I want to do *properly* myself.
14) When considering contribution to jobs around the house, find out what your child/ren are good at and like, and assign accordingly.
Its funny that I want to do everything myself, but still want my kids to help out. At least, I want them to help out in areas that I want help in. If that makes any sense!? I used to be of the do-what-I-say-even-if-you-don't-like-it school of thought (and sometimes I still am), but to be honest, I'm exhausted most of the time and this method requires a great deal of energy to keep up. Constantly checking up on everyone, attempting to motivate, and being involved in a battle with someone almost all the time, is just too much with five kids. Letting everyone work to their strengths helps get everything done. Well, kind of done. The house still feels crazy-overwhelming much of the time, but there is more time for fun this way. And less of all-the-angry.
I know there are many parents who are able to motivate their kids to do anything, especially using rewards. Congrats if that's you! Jack does anything I ask well, without rewards. He is a naturally enthusiastic kid and loves helping out. The others are more of a challenge to get motivated and they DO NOT respond to rewards. Finding their strengths and favoured jobs has improved things on the helping out front, and has been achieved with the use of the happy book. Completely love it.
13) Start a happy book.
It may sound like work, but I have found it to be so helpful with my own attitude towards my children. It helps to keep me in check and really pay attention to what is going on. It especially draws attention to children who have stopped being written about as much, a sure sign that something else is going on.
12) Don't respond to every battle your children have with each other. When you do, use the word 'kind.'
Learning negotiation skills is important for children, and mediating every argument can be time sucking for you. Listen carefully and get to know where they are going wrong in negotiating and then work on that skill. Step in and help them to sort out the problem, rather than solving it for them. This may even mean saying "repeat after me: I didnt like it when you…." This doesn't happen every time around here, especially when we are out or have guests over (and a quick resolution is needed!) but it's the aim.
At times it is absolutely necessary to step in and say "shoosh! Stop!" because it has gotten out of hand. I always lead in with "each person is going to have a say. If you interrupt, you will not get to have your turn." If one child has been mean, I try not to say "you have been mean" as it instantly invokes a defence response. Instead I ask "have you been kind?" This generally brings out the truth. It's easy for a child to try and prove that what they were doing/saying wasn't exactly mean, but a completely different thing to say it was kind. I then give the usual 'be kind to others' short lecture and always use this as my last line: if it's not kind, then it's not okay. Again, this is the aim. I'm still working at it.
11) Keep one area completely and utterly clean and clear. It helps with parental sanity.
Mine is my hall. I travel through it often, so knowing it is always clear (I'm constantly taking stuff out of it) helps me to breathe when all else seems out of control. The calm amongst the craziness. It's usually my starting place for cleaning too. It helps to have a starting place already decided when it all seems too much (like the big after-school-holidays-decontamination-clean.)
It can also be great for when you need a quick break. A clear space attracts children. The other day I found Lucy and Daisy were playing hot air balloons with pillowcases in the hall. At the time it was the only place left with lots of floor space!
10) Accept that sometimes grace is the only answer. For your child and for you.
One of my children had a really hard day a few days ago. I'm talking, a stamping the kitchen counters, stealing matches, lighting A FIRE, going into the front yard near the busy road, bad day. By the end of the day I was all out of suggestions with how to handle each new situation. So I just said nothing and gave him a hug. Because sometimes all we need is a hug when there are no more words. I am not perfect, and sometimes I will have a terrible day where I regret more than I smile when looking back. Kids do too. Here grace and a new fresh day, is the only answer. As it turns out, my husband informed me that the child in question was up for the day at about 5am, so he was not surprised at the day we had.
Trying to see the hidden awesomeness and applying grace, is so often the answer in my home. Not only for my children, but more often than not for me too.
9) Understand that consistency is not everything.
When you are stuck in a pattern, but feel you are being consistent, consider that what you are doing could be wrong for your family. I've heard the 'they/I should just be more consistent' line too many times to count. I guess sometimes it must be true, but on the whole, not every idea or method is a good fit for everyone. We are all different! When I find myself at a place where I feel a bad pattern has emerged I say this line to myself out loud:
I can consistently do something that isn't right for us, and I will consistently get poor results.
It usually helps me to figure out what to do next, or at least give me the motivation to look at a circumstance through new eyes.
8) Never apologise to other people for the decisions you make about your children's welfare. Actually you don't need to say anything at all.
This can be tricky, especially if your ideas aren't mainstream. You know your children best. Carefully consider all your options and make your own decisions. What works for one family or child is almost guaranteed not to work for another. Don't waste time wishing certain ideas would work with your children, instead use that time to investigate further based on what does.
A big thing I had to learn as a parent was that I didn't need to justify the decisions Craig and I had made, because I could choose to not talk about them at all when with people who were unsupportive. The good old smile-and-nod routine comes in handy here. The "that sounds like it works really well for your family," is also a great line to have at the ready, because it is completely true. There is no reason to add that it is not right for us, unless I am with close friends who would probably already know anyway.
7) Be okay with making unpopular rules. The buck stops with the parents.
Later on in life, the reality is that many of us will look back and judge ourselves on the decisions and rules we made or didn't make. When Craig and I make rules we deliberately think long term. We ask ourselves, and discuss, is the rule really necessary? Why? What could happen if we don't have this rule? What are the potential problems that could come about from having/not having this rule? We think about all this and then reach an agreed, firm, deliberate rule. Generally we are not flexible on these kind of 'big' rules. This works for us because we have so many children to consider. I imagine it would be very different if we had one child.
One unpopular rule we have is 'no sleepovers, except professional camps.' We thought long and hard about this one. Like all parents we don't want our kids to miss out on things, but we have five kids, and we are making rules that will last for all. Daisy is one and I don't know who her friends (or their parents and friends) will be when she is 3, let alone 13. Craig and I are aware of the statistics concerning child sexual assault. 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are victims of sexual assault before they are 15. More worrying is the fact that in most cases the perpetrator is a person who is not their caregiver, but is known to the child, and 94% of cases occur in a private dwelling. So in response to this information we created the no-sleepover rule based on safety reasons. So if there are sleep overs, our children attend until it's time for everyone to settle to sleep and then we pick them up. So far it hasn't been an issue, but I'm sure it is not the most popular rule we have. Some parents may even think we are overprotective or slightly crazy. It doesn't matter though, because they are not the parents of our children. Children and families are different and sometimes need different rules. One day, in the future, if my kids look back on their childhood, roll their eyes, and claim that the worst thing ever was that they couldn't go to a sleep over, I will smile. I know that there are many parents out their dealing with much worse childhood memories.
6) Change your mind if you want to. It's allowed.
Often it's hard to make decisions because we become afraid that we will be stuck with the decision. The truth is however, that changing your mind is allowed. I know that that sounds silly as I type it, but I know myself that although I would say 'absolutely' if asked if I can change my mind, the reality is, my actions often say otherwise. I have become stuck in patterns, until suddenly one day I have realised that I can change my mind and do things differently. It's rarely too late.
One big change-of-mind stands out for me. When Jack was 5 months old I woke up one morning, was watching something on TV, trying desperately to stay awake, and suddenly realised I could choose to parent the baby I was listening to cry (and not go to sleep) differently. I could choose to give up on our chosen method and find another. I could change my mind.
I often think about this when I feel stuck, with no way forward in one area. One definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.
5) Be honest with your kids when you have made a not-so-great-decision. But be firm on your new decision.
Difficult but necessary. Parents make mistakes. I definitely make mistakes. Regularly. When I make a decision in a rushed moment, I sometimes change my mind after a little time to think. I find the best thing to do in this situation is to simply be honest and explain why I have changed my mind. The hardest bit is then sticking to the new decision if the kids are not to happy about it!
4) Teach your children about safety.
Many people think that if they talk to children about certain things, it will make them worry. There is the misguided belief that if we ignore potential problems and issues, that we can keep our children innocent. Only, kids do worry, and they know a great deal more than we give them credit for. Children notice EVERYTHING. While our days are filled with an overwhelming amount of never-ending tasks and people needing us, children often have time to ponder, and take notice. They can tell when their parents and teachers are worried or not well. And they then worry too, sometimes more because there is less understanding about the concern.
I'm not saying delve into the nitty-gritty of all that can go wrong and warn them. I'm saying speak to children in short simple sentences, in plain factual words, about safety concerns.
Really think about the largest potential dangers that face your children, such as: drowning, house fires, car accidents, pedestrian accidents, dog bites, burns and scalds, falls, bike/skateboard injuries, battery related injuries, poisoning, and abuse. If you are parenting with a partner discuss how you are both going to talk about these safety concerns with your children. It is beneficial to be on the same page about your approach. Families are different, so how one family approaches these issues will be different to how another does.
There is so much I could write about how we approach safety, so I may write a specific piece in the future. For now, just remember: talking is better than not talking, the kids are probably drawing their own conclusions and worrying anyway.
3) Try to drop everything and go out to do something fun every now and then. The best things in life are free, and are often remembered and held most dear.
The beach is my family's favourite place as it is only about 10 minutes drive away. Often we will just go. No preparation or any of that: just get in the car and go. I remember many a time arriving back to the car with half soaked children, and they all lived, even without a change of clothes or a towel to speak of. I especially love when one of them pipes up now and then, and suddenly says "remember the time we…" It is almost always an unplanned spur-of-the-moment memory.
2) Find and build wonderful friendships, within which you can be completely honest.
We all have a variety of types of friendships. There is nothing wrong with this. Some people are completely open, honest and comfortable talking about everything, some like to (or decide to) keep to themselves. We are all different, and I love that! But no matter who you are, it's sometimes just nice to be heard. For someone to listen carefully and be honest right back. It's helpful to have someone who can listen without judgement and to say 'I'm here for you' when there is nothing more to say; especially when 'it'll be okay' isn't even possible.
On tough days, remember that there are other parents out there just like you, going through similar situations. We are all in it together. Successful and in-between days. Share it all.
More on friendship here.
1) When there are no more words: hugs. And stories.
Parenting can be the best thing ever! It can leave a person feeling deeper feelings than they have ever before experienced, more fun than ever before. But it can also leave you alone in the dark, desperate for sleep and just one good hour. One. Solid. Good. Hour. Some situations can leave parents praying for answers, and trying not to let the tears show, because they are just done.
Some days there comes a moment when I realise the day can not be saved. No amount of motivation or brilliant ideas found on Pinterest can turn it around. On those days I let it go. I let go of all the expectations and goals and dreams and wonderful things I had planned and hoped for. I stop fighting.
Instead I hug them. My little ones, who I would give anything to run from at that horrible moment. I hug them and breathe. And just wait. All moments pass, some just seems to be harder to get past when emotions are running high and there seems to be nowhere to go and nothing left to do. I decide to take out all the words. There is nothing left to say that will be of any benefit to anyone anyway. As I feel my heart rate return to normal, as our breathing settles and that little one leans into me, giving up on all the anger and all the I-know-best, I wait a moment longer. Then I turn and ask them to come and read for a while. It's a myth that children stop wanting to be read to once they are proficient readers. Often this is when they need it the most. As I read, snuggled in, often questions surface about the character/s that reflect truly what all the angst was about to begin with. It's never about what it's about, after all.
Hug. Breathe. Let it pass. Then read stories.
There are never enough hugs or stories.xx
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