You already are. And when the surface fades away.

It was when Daisy was six months old that I went out for dessert with a friend. It was a conversation I will never forget for as long as I live. It was a chat that I really needed.

Like many other mums I am an expert at the 'everything's FINE face.' With five children, who were mostly difficult babies, it was a matter of survival. I never wanted to feel like I couldn't 'cope.' For me I felt like I had everything under control if I could be dressed, with makeup and hair done in under five minutes. I had become a master at accomplishing this while Craig was at work. Although this required yelling things while I brushed my hair like "I expect matching shoes, that are for the current season, on in two minutes," and "if you make Daisy cry, you are in BIG trouble." I have to give the kids credit; for the most part we all made believe that this actually made some sort of a difference to the level of lateness we achieved. I added a smile, after repeated instructions to perfectly dressed children and we are ready to go. No looking back at the mess that lay behind us. We made it to the car. We were all ready. I could smile. I could cope. I could always get it together and cope. In public, for a couple of hours at a time, at least.

Well, with Daisy six months old, this me had gone. The everything-is-fine face was crumbling. I. Was. Done. DONE.

That night I sat there, waffles and chocolate before me, frankly just happy to be eating something, and I poured my heart out. My friend listened. I complained that it was impossible! How could one person be responsible for five children all the time without a break?! I was living on caffeine and sugar. Craig was always at work! I couldn't seem to recover from my surgery. Everything was slipping though the cracks! Everything. No one was getting what they needed and I was never going to sleep again. Never. Ever. EVER. And I would never get it together enough to cook the real food that my children should have. And how could I live with knowing I wasn't giving my children what they needed; what they deserved? She listened. And nodded. And let me rave on. Ridiculously.

So I told her, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I couldn't be a mum to five kids. I was completely the wrong person for the job.

And then she spoke. And said a great deal. But this is what I heard.

"You already are."

And I continued. I told her that she didn't understand! I was failing! I just couldn't do it!

She told me again, "you already are."

We talked for a long time that night and there was a lot more that was added to these important words. I don't think I've ever needed to talk more. But it wasn't until the next day that I really got it.

I was already a mum to five gorgeous, wonderful, happy children. I already was.

How I felt wasn't going to change anything. Maybe I couldn't be and do everything I had done with four, but that didn't mean I was failing. It meant that my perspective was wrong. The problem was with me (I so hate that feeling!!) and the choices I was making. I was trying to be the parent I was with two, but with five.

I was looking though glasses of unrealistic expectations.

Something had to change. I needed to move on and into this new season, no matter how challenging I found it. It was time to reevaluate priorities, look at wasn't working and cut the non critical things out. To let go of the idea of the me-that-would-never-be-again. To give myself a break. To take a deep breathe in and take a step into the new. And to try to set some more realistic expectations for the mum-of-5 I already was.

And then my amazing friend brought me food. Lots of food! Dinners I could freeze and reheat to give the cuties when Craig was on afternoon shift (my nemesis.) I cried. And got up and went on. I was going to make it. Success or failure. Expectations met or unmet. Sleep or no sleep.

Looking back I learnt a lot though that time. Sometimes things need to be broken, to then be made bigger and better. I can see that now. But back then it was too hard.

Sometimes all we need is a friend. Someone to bring us food and tell us we are strong enough, brave enough, or amazing enough to do whatever it is that we need to do. Because we already are.

So. To you, if you think you are done. If you think you are failing. Maybe talk to a friend. Tell someone and let them tell you how awesome you are. But just in case you are not quite ready to let someone past your 'I'm fine' face:

You are amazing, brave and strong. Be kind to yourself. Just. Keep. Going. You may think that you can't. But:

You already are.

To those who are not struggling right now. Maybe take the time to chat to someone. Encourage someone, whether they need it or not. We all need it. Be honest and open. Let's go beyond all the grand successes and talk instead about failures. And more importantly the overcoming of them. We need to let the I-just-can'ts meet with the I've-been-there-toos hope. Because it's all about being heard and understood. This is the moment in a relationship where the surface fades away. And true friendship begins.

5 steps for parents: when you need something to change.

Every parent and child face challenges. It would be easy to look around and come to the conclusion that it's just you who is dealing with challenging issues with your child/ren, but it is simply not true. Most parents have concerns about at least one of their children much of the time. With 5, I am pretty much always considering answers to problems that I see surfacing, while I am feeling I have finally helped another child reach a solution. Accepting this as our normal has helped me a great deal as a parent, and has helped me feel calm when issues arise, because I know what to do to eventually find a solution or at least something that works for us. Today I am going to share the sequence of 5 steps Craig and I generally go through for each pattern of negative behaviour we see with each of our children. Sometimes there are very minor issues that need little intervention, other times all 5 steps are required to work towards finding something that helps the child.

1) Identify the key issues. Stand back for a moment when the child is not around and really think. Give this some real, considered time. Is it constant meltdowns, crying about what seems like nothing, being hurtful to siblings/others, not engaging with anyone, hating school, refusing to help out even a little at home, destroying property of their own or others, not eating, not sleeping well, making little or very slow progress in reading or learning in general......etc? Be specific with what you have noticed, not simply as a one off insistence, but ongoing behaviours that are affecting the wellbeing of your child.

If possible include the child's other parent in this step (and all steps) so you are both on the same page. Stay away from blame and arguing. Remember that you are trying to move forward together. If there are issues with one parent's actions, it will become hopefully clear to that parent by going through these sequence of steps. If not, speak calmly providing suggestions and listen carefully to responses. At times the professional help may be needed for a parent in one of the later steps.

2) Consider first the obvious things that we often think are too simple to be the answer: food, water, sleep, comfort, level of activity/rest, time with others vs time to themselves, time at home vs time outside of the home. The following barely skims the surface of the affects that the above mentioned can have. If you recognise that one of these areas is the cause of other issues, professionals in the remaining steps can give you further guidance.

Food

Food can have a huge impact on every part of a child's life. The problem is that many families believe they are eating reasonably heathy food, because it is their normal. Really take a good look at what the child is actually eating. Especially consider additives to the food. Is there a balance of protein, good fats, fibre, carbohydrates? Refined/highly processed foods can be a big trigger for many types of negative behaviour patterns, especially when it is found with high doses of sugar. Juice and other things high in sugar can give children all the calories they need for the day very quickly, leaving them not wanting food, but lacking in the protein and fibre they need to get through the day happily. 

If the problem is a child not eating meals, has food over the entire day been considered? Children, especially young children, don't eat beyond the calories necessary for the day, so make them count. Is food given at routine times? For many things routine isn't entirely necessary for all children, but when it comes to food it is very important. As adults, we can feel hungry based on our general eating times and have a good hour or so to satisfy that hunger. Children have about 20 minutes. Set reasonable times for snacks and meals and try to stick to 20 minutes either side as much as possible. Also consider thirst and boredom if a child is constantly claiming to be hungry, but then refuses to eat meals.  

If there is negative behaviour surrounding meal times for both children and adults take a breath and try not to engage. Making wise decisions about food and eating is a life skill, and one that can not be forced. Clearing a plate isn't necessarily the best for every person, especially if there are underlying issues that may need to be addressed. Instead serve up reasonable portions of heathy food and offer no substitutes or bribes. Dessert really isn't needed. If given time to adjust to the changes, the child still refuses to eat, gather information in the form of a food diary and go to step 3.

Sleep

Note down how much sleep the child is having. Is bedtime regular? Is the child waking happily of their own accord? Is there anything that could be interfering with their sleep? Is the room they are sleeping in hot (cold with blankets is preferable to too hot)? Is the room they sleep in uncluttered and clean? Dust and dust mites can really affect the quality of sleep, especially for those with allergies. Are they scared about something in their room? Is the child lonely? If they like being with lots of people in the day, being alone at night can be horrible. Have you really listened to what they think they need to sleep or their frustrations? Have you considered that they may not need as much sleep as the norm? Is the child active enough physically and mentally throughout the day?

If lack of sleep or wakefulness through the night is a problem, try some of the following. Take excess toys, books, furniture out of the room for a time, and give it a good clean. Think simply sleep when choosing what to put back (few to no toys other than stuffed animals and books). Make sure sheets are cleaned weekly. Wash all stuffed toys and hang them in the sun to dry. Move the bed to a different location in the room. Check for hidden mould. Wash curtains, or consider getting block outs. Wash or replace pillows. Try different bedding (thinner blankets, different type of quilt.) Set a realistic bed time. Change bedtime to lightly earlier or later. Read stories at bedtime. If child showers before bed, change to a bath, or the opposite. Try different bath/shower products that intended to be less irritating.  Shower child close to bed time (not too hot as it energises) as going to a cooler bedroom after warming up signals the body that it is time to rest (slowing essential metabolic functions).

Every child is different, so what helps one child may not help another. I personally have one who needs to create her own 'nest' from her teddies, one who has to read for at least half an hour and needs lots of activity throughout the day, one who likes me to tell him the story of me always choosing him with many reassuring hugs in the last half hour before bed, one who struggles sometimes (still working through this with her, although things have improved) and one who needs a blankie, a baby doll and Cinderella to sleep. But then I have to write in my journal before I can sleep, yet Craig can fall asleep sitting just about anywhere! Take away your expectations about sleep and find something that works and go with it. Once there is some sleep, the how it happens can be more easily changed (slowly over time).

Consider what has happened in the past six months as even exciting things can be unsettling for children, and it takes time to feel safe and secure after changes. As much as we would like to rush things, sometimes just being there and going to them every time they are worried is actually the quickest and best solution. Remember parenting is a 24 hr job and they are learning how to treat people all the time, even at night. 

Comfort and activity levels

Everyone has a different level of need when it comes to comfort. What provides comfort for us all is different too, so talking to the child helps most here. What makes them feel calm? What makes them feel happy? When do they feel they can actually rest during the day/week? Do they feel rushed too often? Do they struggle to find things to do? Does everything feel too confusing or too structured? Do they feel they can relax and just be themselves?

Is the child feeling overwhelmed with everything on during their week? Do they wish they had more time to be with other people? Are they spending enough time participating in unstructured free play? Is the rhythm of the day not fitting with their natural rhythm? Do they need to go outside to play before school? Do they need time alone before school? Do they need more free time?  Does the child have a creative outlet? Are there enough opportunities to run around or play sports?

Some of these questions or others may lead you to realising that the child needs more alone time, more time with others, needs more guidance to find suitable activities to account for energy levels, needs a place set up in which to have needs met such as a place to be alone for a time, needs help finding a place/way to calm down when feeling anxious/angry/irritated etc. Make a plan and help them.

Once you have addressed any problems within these areas, check for change or improvement. If you see improvement, continue with the changes you have made and monitor. If there is no improvement given a reasonable amount of time and commitment to change, you will by now have probably noticed other behaviours due to monitoring. Write everything down. Keep hugging your child and move forward.

3) Gather information from others who have contact with your child. Teachers, preschool director/teacher, grandparents, uncles and aunts. They may have noticed something you haven't, or may have noticed the exact same behaviour/s as you have. Make notes, and especially approach any meeting at this point with an attitude of taking it all in, rather than trying to explain behaviour (this may need to come later if further professional help is needed). Listen to any suggestions made and consider implementing changes. Give each plan/idea time to note any positive changes. If there is some, continue with the plan, if none, move to step 4.

4) See your child's doctor (GP). It's important that this doctor is one your child sees regularly. If this doctor doesn't take your concerns seriously or brushes off your concerns as 'poor parenting' see someone else. By all means, if the doctor makes parenting suggestions that may be helpful, take them on board, but chances are that if you have reached this stage you have probably tried many parenting strategies already. Medically there are many things that can affect behaviour. Certain deficiencies can cause a whole host of problems, and allergies and intolerances can certainly affect eating patterns, sleep and behaviour too. Don't just take your child off certain foods to see how it goes, without medical help. It is better done in a controlled way with the guidance of a doctor or dietitian. For certain testing to be accurate it needs to be done BEFORE a child is taken off the suspected food, because otherwise the test results can be inaccurate. 

The doctor may advise tests or specialists that may be able to help further. Follow through with advice given and keep records that may be requested. Make sure you go back for any recommended follow ups, and go back if more information or clarification is needed.

5) Make contact with other professionals. If you have reached this step, decide which other professionals may be able to provide you with help. Paediatricians are a great place to start. Behavioural optometrists, speech pathologists, psychologists, dieticians, occupational therapists, audiologists, hospital sleep clinics, are just a few of those out there ready and happy to be consulted. Don't be afraid to contact them for advice, as that is what they are there for. There may be a long wait with some professionals, so make an appointment as soon as you feel it may be necessary. Parents don't need to wait until an issue becomes huge and unmanageable before making an appointment. Seeking professional advice with concerns early can mean many negative outcomes can be avoided.

All children - all PEOPLE - are different. Differences are great. They enable us to function as a society, with each of us holding special gifts to be used as part of a greater whole. Understanding, patience and kindness are needed. Just remember that sometimes help is needed too. Not all behaviours can be overlooked or ignored because they impact on a child's relationships with others and their life in general. Professionals are available to help give guidance, knowledge, and understanding in many areas. Everyone who is given the gift of this understanding and guidance can better cater for the needs of the child, and with everyone moving in the same direction, outcomes improve. 

Some issues may not require all these steps. Some investigations may vary in steps, for example a child with constant headaches, seeing an optometrist would be the best place to start.

At every point take a moment to breathe. Stop and think about your child and ask yourself if the action you are faced with will be a step forward. 

It may seem like an overwhelming process, but it is much better moving forward than sitting still worrying. 

This has been a brief overview of the process. There is much more that can help make this process work for you and your family, when searching for solutions. I will be writing more about this in the future, so if you have questions or part you would like more information about or further elaboration, please comment and I'll see what I can do.

Jen.x

Technology is always awesome? How we set screen time rules for 5 different children.

It's a range of questions I'm asked quite often. How do we handle the big information technology boom that has been handed to us on a silver platter? Are we integrating it into every part of our lives? Are we holding off and saying no? Are we settling limits? If so, why and how?

It is a huge thing. And there is no shortage of information, research, and editorials on it out there trying to help us navigate this new world.

I myself have read a plethora of articles, research, and books on how to handle integrating computer-type technology into our lives, in a way that doesn't harm my children. The extremes on both ends of the scale trigger fear. I feel like they are meant to. I quickly try to push those fears aside, because fear is never the right motivator for me. Instead I come back to the same core belief I hold in all areas of parenting. We are all different. I was given these specific children on purpose. I ask myself some very important questions:

Who are my children and what do they need?
What will work best for them and our family as a whole?

The truth is that the answers will never be the same for all families or even all children. That's why the debate rages. We are all different. With unlimited access to technology some children can naturally find what works for them and set their own boundaries, maintaining interests beyond, in an easy way. Some become the next generation of amazing creators and inventors. Others become completely addicted in such a way that they lose interest in the rest of the world around them. And the thing is that noone can tell a parent what is right, because noone else knows their children quite like they do. There just isn't a best way.

But the articles invoking fear continue, and it's hard to be strong against them, especially in this busy, time poor world, where parents are overwhelmed with choice and the need to do everything 'right.' Our generation experiences parenting on almost complete public display. And everyone seems to have an opinion. We all do. I do. It has become harder to make definite decisions, because it seems as though we are presented a new 'right' every week. We struggle to keep up with the latest research on what could possibly be best for our children. And the range of topics is endless. We have to consider not only the growing-up-to-be-functioning-members-of-society, but now have to consider: the risk factors of obesity, over/under use of extracurricular activities, the variety of different ways there is now to educate, processed/whole/paleo/carb/no-sugar/food-additive-free/organic food options, childcare/work-full-time/work-part-time, and the use of technology, just to name a few. In the end it sometimes feels to me like it has become white noise in the background, and it would be easier just to turn it off. But I can't.

The drive to know more is just so strong. We were raised by generations who fought hard to give us the information and choice we now have. And it can be truly wonderful. Thank you. But. But with choice comes overwhelming responsibility, and information that is available has NO END. Sometimes it makes the days of meat-and-three-vegetables-for-dinner-and-a-vegemite-sandwich-for-lunch look appetising.

Which brings me back to the technology debate, that is not only out there in the big wide world, but also within me. I love the connection, the creation, the unlimitedness, the know-everything-ness, and the right-now, of the technology I have at my disposal. I love it. And I don't like it. I don't like that it takes away sitting and wondering at times, the indoorness, the potential brain altering of my children, the sedateness, and the anti sleep effects it can have. Yet it is here to stay, and I probably wouldn't want it any other way, because when it comes right down to it: I love having the whole world and my closest friends at my fingertips. I have to fight the white noise, consider carefully and make decisions based on my own children.

The experience of our family of seven

So having decided to integrate this technology into our lives, Craig and I had big decisions to make, much the same as most parents. How would we mould it's use into a workable format for our everyday lives? It has been a long process, sometimes with two steps forward, one step back, but at the moment it seems that we are happy with what is going on.

In my family, and perhaps others, how we respond to technology, is an amplified reflection of attitudes and personality in everyday life. For example, I am all about connection, talking, creating, reading, organising, and generally just love being with people, as opposed to spending time alone. I love finding out more, and would give anything to help someone else avoid the mistakes I have made. When I consider all of this, my computer history is an exact reflection. I write a blog, chat via Facebook, search the web, use Kindle for iPad, and love Pinterest! The interactions I observe with my children and iPads also reflect their everyday preferences and personalities.

So what does technology use really look like in my family?

For starters I use iProducts and my husband uses Android. This has never been a problem, and the kids use both, although tend to use iProducts more. I use an iPad, iPhone and a Mac. If I was to analyse what I use these for, most interactions would come under these headings: work, creating, connecting, photography, reading, and exploring. I would most use: Blogger, Kindle for iPad, Pinterest, Facebook, Word, Email (work and home), and Safari.

My five children are the perfect example of how given the same opportunity to use technology, the response can be very different.

My two middle girls have very little interest. I could easily have no boundaries and their use of iPads would not dramatically increase. They are so involved in play together or alone, drawing, writing, imaginative play, reading etc, that this makes iPad use quite low on the list of things they enjoy. If they do use an iPad, it would be to add to what they have chosen to do, rather than completely zoning out of the world around them. If they want time alone they generally choose reading, colouring-in/drawing, sewing, Lego, or playing with toys such as Barbies, Ponies, or puzzles.

The number one reason Isabel and Lucy use an iPad is for music to dance to. If they do choose to use an app, it would be one that involves creating something (especially Isabel.) They love Lego Friends Story Maker, CrazyCraft, My incredible body, and Music4kids. Lucy also likes apps where the letters are to be moved around to make words. She likes to manipulate words and language in general. Isabel finds this skill quite difficult. She instead loves me to put her weekly spelling words into Spellosaur. The weeks we do this on Monday, and she finishes the program before Friday, lead to the greatest success in her school spelling test. I am personally more concerned about the vast difference between her verbal and written spelling ability, which we have found out developed due to specific eye problems, but she loves to come home happy and confident on Friday after a good spelling test, so Spellosaur it is! Isabel also likes jigsaw apps and occasionally puzzles. When I asked them each what was their favourite, these were the responses:

Lucy: "dancing to music."
Isabel: "making (composing) music."

Henry and Jack are another story. They are six years apart, but both love using anything with a screen. They would watch grass grow on TV if it was the only option. Screen boundaries exist in our home because of them. As setting boundaries can be difficult to maintain and enforce, we have chosen to make screen use, and non-screen time, part of our predictable routine. Rules set for all children work well in our home, as does integrating technology use and rules into the rhythm of our days.

Henry uses the iPad for music, playing the Lego building games, using the Play School app, and playing logic type puzzle games, such as Disney's 'Water?' game. I prefer Henry to play his Leappad Ultra as it is much more safe, as far as only allowing the content Craig and I have chosen to upload. Henry is our master of everything and he can work anything out easily. He doesn't see boundaries to his capabilities. This is great when he learnt to ride a bike with no training wheels at 3 years old, and could tackle a playground easily before 2 years old, but has been challenging in many other instances. We had to buy a more expensive, heavy to open, baby gate because he quickly figured the other one out. He could open doors with round handles at 18 months, and figured out how to use a key to open the simple door locks before 2 years old. 'I can't' only exists in his vocabulary when cleaning is brought up. So it stands to reason that he is the one who has figured out how to do things with the iPad that I have no filter or lock for. I would still like to know how to lock him out of iTunes radio. Only Henry would be able to find a Minecraft parody channel that includes swearing.

Jack uses a variety of apps. His favourites are 'Clash of clans' (which he loves because he is in a clan with kids from school) and Minecraft. I plan to introduce him to a 'learn to code' app, as I think he will really love it.

We have a '9 year old' rule for owning iPods. We made this rule purely due to this being an age when children tend to become more responsible. It is an age where children have now moved into primary school and much more is expected of them, especially as this is when class sizes become larger. In Year Three, children seem to grow up a great deal and as iPods are expensive, the expectation around here is that the child has to look after it and accept any limits put on it's use. I also secretly love that right now Isabel is super excited because it is something she has been looking forward to for some time. This Christmas it is her turn. In this world of instant gratification, sometimes it's a gift to give children the chance to anticipate and become excited. Specific games of choice can only be added to iPods, not the communal iPads. Minecraft is one of these games. It is nice that the older kids have something special that is just for them. They all like the fairness of these rules. Any time a younger child complains, it is never me who has to remind them of the rule, it will always be another child.

Daisy is only 15 months old and is not interested in screens yet. She only likes TV if there is a documentary about animals on it. The kids will occasionally ask to watch a National Geographic documentary, which we use apple TV to bring it up on the big screen. She will watch a little then. iPads and iPhones are still a 'no' for her, to be entirely honest because the products are expensive and I don't want them broken. Craig has taught her to move the photos on his phone and Daisy does dance along to the music when the girls are playing it.

As I mentioned, we fit computer/tablet use into the rhythm of our day, rather than setting time allocations. This is partly because I have found great success in this method in the past, and partly because it would be difficult to monitor exact usage in any other way with four child users. All children are allowed access after they are completely ready to leave in the morning, on school days. They are also allowed access after showers and homework in the evening, before dinner. After dinner is for reading only. Henry is sometimes allowed to use an iPad or his Leappad Ultra after lunch, while Daisy is asleep. He also watches Play School and Fireman Sam of a morning. As a whole, the kids do not watch TV during the week, except on the days I work and Grandma looks after them. On the weekend they are allowed to use iPads/ipods/Leap products/3DS (7+ for 3DS ownership) during our relaxing mornings and after lunch while Daisy is sleeping. This seems to be working for us right now.

Reading all of the above some of you will think we are being to harsh, others may think we are not setting enough limits. And that's just it. Everyone is looking through the eyes of their own experiences, knowledge, and especially the children they are close to. This just doesn't work. Yes, we all need to speak to others, learn, look at research, experiment, and consider ideas, but in the end it all comes down to what is best for the children and family we have.

So when considering the use of technology in your household I do not have perfect, exact advice.

Instead I simply suggest you consider these questions:

Who are your children and what do they need?
What will work best for them and your family as a whole?

Let the rest fade away.

15 tips that might make parenting a little easier. But since we are all different, maybe 5 or 6.

As those of you who have been reading my blog posts for a while know, I think that the absolute hardest parts about parenting are the unseen things. The emotional bits that no one talks about much, because it's just so hard to put into words the trickiness.

The minefield of parenting can't be made easy. But it can perhaps be made at least a little easier than it might be right now. I've written the following as much a reminder for myself as to help all of you. As with anything, we are all different. I hope some of these tips help you, or even remind you of what you may already know. These aren't all the tips I have, but instead are 15 things I felt to write about right now.

I will count down, as I have had an amazing amount of experience in counting down. Every. Single. Day. "We are leaving in 10, 9, 8……"

Anyway. Here are 15 parenting tips that I've learnt along the way:

15) Let the kids help.

Agh! I hate this, so I'm getting it over and done with first. I want to do everything myself, because I am super awesome and do everything right. Except I'm not and I don't. But I think I can always do things better than my children, and maybe have a slight issue with wanting to be in control of something (anything really) so therefore I try to do everything. The problem with this is that one person is incapable of battling the mess of seven people, and sometimes their ideas are actually better than mine. Especially Jack's. There have been many times over the years that I have woken to being shown a new organisational system that Jack has put into place and already briefed the others on. The first time that I remember, happened before Lucy was born. He sat explaining to Isabel the new system for arranging pull-ups in a drawer. She was one.

Some mums have mastered this letting-kids-help business, and I wish I could say I have. I'm a work-in-progress. Yesterday we all cleaned the walls in the hall together. I have bought a new range of cleaning products that are non toxic, which have helped me to be okay with them helping out with the cleaning that they really want to do.

I was reminded of just how important it is, and how much they love helping out, the other day as my children built little greenhouses as teams. Isabel turned to Henry smiling and asked, "are you glad you got to help Henry?" With a huge smile he nodded. So, yes, I will continue to try to encourage my children to help out. And will try really hard to say yes when they want to do a job that I want to do *properly* myself.

14) When considering contribution to jobs around the house, find out what your child/ren are good at and like, and assign accordingly. 

Its funny that I want to do everything myself, but still want my kids to help out. At least, I want them to help out in areas that I want help in. If that makes any sense!? I used to be of the do-what-I-say-even-if-you-don't-like-it school of thought (and sometimes I still am), but to be honest, I'm exhausted most of the time and this method requires a great deal of energy to keep up. Constantly checking up on everyone, attempting to motivate, and being involved in a battle with someone almost all the time, is just too much with five kids. Letting everyone work to their strengths helps get everything done. Well, kind of done. The house still feels crazy-overwhelming much of the time, but there is more time for fun this way. And less of all-the-angry.

I know there are many parents who are able to motivate their kids to do anything, especially using rewards. Congrats if that's you! Jack does anything I ask well, without rewards. He is a naturally enthusiastic kid and loves helping out. The others are more of a challenge to get motivated and they DO NOT respond to rewards. Finding their strengths and favoured jobs has improved things on the helping out front, and has been achieved with the use of the happy book. Completely love it.

13) Start a happy book. 

It may sound like work, but I have found it to be so helpful with my own attitude towards my children. It helps to keep me in check and really pay attention to what is going on. It especially draws attention to children who have stopped being written about as much, a sure sign that something else is going on. 

12) Don't respond to every battle your children have with each other. When you do, use the word 'kind.'

Learning negotiation skills is important for children, and mediating every argument can be time sucking for you. Listen carefully and get to know where they are going wrong in negotiating and then work on that skill. Step in and help them to sort out the problem, rather than solving it for them. This may even mean saying "repeat after me: I didnt like it when you…." This doesn't happen every time around here, especially when we are out or have guests over (and a quick resolution is needed!) but it's the aim. 

At times it is absolutely necessary to step in and say "shoosh! Stop!" because it has gotten out of hand. I always lead in with "each person is going to have a say. If you interrupt, you will not get to have your turn." If one child has been mean, I try not to say "you have been mean" as it instantly invokes a defence response. Instead I ask "have you been kind?" This generally brings out the truth. It's easy for a child to try and prove that what they were doing/saying wasn't exactly mean, but a completely different thing to say it was kind. I then give the usual 'be kind to others' short lecture and always use this as my last line: if it's not kind, then it's not okay. Again, this is the aim. I'm still working at it.

11) Keep one area completely and utterly clean and clear. It helps with parental sanity.

Mine is my hall. I travel through it often, so knowing it is always clear (I'm constantly taking stuff out of it) helps me to breathe when all else seems out of control. The calm amongst the craziness. It's usually my starting place for cleaning too. It helps to have a starting place already decided when it all seems too much (like the big after-school-holidays-decontamination-clean.)

It can also be great for when you need a quick break. A clear space attracts children. The other day I found Lucy and Daisy were playing hot air balloons with pillowcases in the hall. At the time it was the only place left with lots of floor space!

10) Accept that sometimes grace is the only answer. For your child and for you.

One of my children had a really hard day a few days ago. I'm talking, a stamping the kitchen counters, stealing matches, lighting A FIRE, going into the front yard near the busy road, bad day. By the end of the day I was all out of suggestions with how to handle each new situation. So I just said nothing and gave him a hug. Because sometimes all we need is a hug when there are no more words. I am not perfect, and sometimes I will have a terrible day where I regret more than I smile when looking back. Kids do too. Here grace and a new fresh day, is the only answer. As it turns out, my husband informed me that the child in question was up for the day at about 5am, so he was not surprised at the day we had.

Trying to see the hidden awesomeness and applying grace, is so often the answer in my home. Not only for my children, but more often than not for me too.

9) Understand that consistency is not everything. 

When you are stuck in a pattern, but feel you are being consistent, consider that what you are doing could be wrong for your family. I've heard the 'they/I should just be more consistent' line too many times to count. I guess sometimes it must be true, but on the whole, not every idea or method is a good fit for everyone. We are all different! When I find myself at a place where I feel a bad pattern has emerged I say this line to myself out loud:

I can consistently do something that isn't right for us, and I will consistently get poor results.

It usually helps me to figure out what to do next, or at least give me the motivation to look at a circumstance through new eyes.

8) Never apologise to other people for the decisions you make about your children's welfare. Actually you don't need to say anything at all. 

This can be tricky, especially if your ideas aren't mainstream. You know your children best. Carefully consider all your options and make your own decisions. What works for one family or child is almost guaranteed not to work for another. Don't waste time wishing certain ideas would work with your children, instead use that time to investigate further based on what does.

A big thing I had to learn as a parent was that I didn't need to justify the decisions Craig and I had made, because I could choose to not talk about them at all when with people who were unsupportive. The good old smile-and-nod routine comes in handy here. The "that sounds like it works really well for your family," is also a great line to have at the ready, because it is completely true. There is no reason to add that it is not right for us, unless I am with close friends who would probably already know anyway.

7) Be okay with making unpopular rules. The buck stops with the parents.

Later on in life, the reality is that many of us will look back and judge ourselves on the decisions and rules we made or didn't make. When Craig and I make rules we deliberately think long term. We ask ourselves, and discuss, is the rule really necessary? Why? What could happen if we don't have this rule? What are the potential problems that could come about from having/not having this rule? We think about all this and then reach an agreed, firm, deliberate rule. Generally we are not flexible on these kind of 'big' rules. This works for us because we have so many children to consider. I imagine it would be very different if we had one child.

One unpopular rule we have is 'no sleepovers, except professional camps.' We thought long and hard about this one. Like all parents we don't want our kids to miss out on things, but we have five kids, and we are making rules that will last for all. Daisy is one and I don't know who her friends (or their parents and friends) will be when she is 3, let alone 13. Craig and I are aware of the statistics concerning child sexual assault. 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are victims of sexual assault before they are 15. More worrying is the fact that in most cases the perpetrator is a person who is not their caregiver, but is known to the child, and 94% of cases occur in a private dwelling. So in response to this information we created the no-sleepover rule based on safety reasons. So if there are sleep overs, our children attend until it's time for everyone to settle to sleep and then we pick them up. So far it hasn't been an issue, but I'm sure it is not the most popular rule we have. Some parents may even think we are overprotective or slightly crazy. It doesn't matter though, because they are not the parents of our children. Children and families are different and sometimes need different rules. One day, in the future, if my kids look back on their childhood, roll their eyes, and claim that the worst thing ever was that they couldn't go to a sleep over, I will smile. I know that there are many parents out their dealing with much worse childhood memories.

6) Change your mind if you want to. It's allowed.

Often it's hard to make decisions because we become afraid that we will be stuck with the decision. The truth is however, that changing your mind is allowed. I know that that sounds silly as I type it, but I know myself that although I would say 'absolutely' if asked if I can change my mind, the reality is, my actions often say otherwise. I have become stuck in patterns, until suddenly one day I have realised that I can change my mind and do things differently. It's rarely too late.

One big change-of-mind stands out for me. When Jack was 5 months old I woke up one morning, was watching something on TV, trying desperately to stay awake, and suddenly realised I could choose to parent the baby I was listening to cry (and not go to sleep) differently. I could choose to give up on our chosen method and find another. I could change my mind.

I often think about this when I feel stuck, with no way forward in one area. One definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.

5) Be honest with your kids when you have made a not-so-great-decision. But be firm on your new decision.

Difficult but necessary. Parents make mistakes. I definitely make mistakes. Regularly. When I make a decision in a rushed moment, I sometimes change my mind after a little time to think. I find the best thing to do in this situation is to simply be honest and explain why I have changed my mind. The hardest bit is then sticking to the new decision if the kids are not to happy about it!

4) Teach your children about safety.

Many people think that if they talk to children about certain things, it will make them worry. There is the misguided belief that if we ignore potential problems and issues, that we can keep our children innocent. Only, kids do worry, and they know a great deal more than we give them credit for. Children notice EVERYTHING. While our days are filled with an overwhelming amount of never-ending tasks and people needing us, children often have time to ponder, and take notice. They can tell when their parents and teachers are worried or not well. And they then worry too, sometimes more because there is less understanding about the concern.

I'm not saying delve into the nitty-gritty of all that can go wrong and warn them. I'm saying speak to children in short simple sentences, in plain factual words, about safety concerns.

Really think about the largest potential dangers that face your children, such as: drowning, house fires, car accidents, pedestrian accidents, dog bites, burns and scalds, falls, bike/skateboard injuries, battery related injuries, poisoning, and abuse. If you are parenting with a partner discuss how you are both going to talk about these safety concerns with your children. It is beneficial to be on the same page about your approach. Families are different, so how one family approaches these issues will be different to how another does.

There is so much I could write about how we approach safety, so I may write a specific piece in the future. For now, just remember: talking is better than not talking, the kids are probably drawing their own conclusions and worrying anyway.

3) Try to drop everything and go out to do something fun every now and then. The best things in life are free, and are often remembered and held most dear.

The beach is my family's favourite place as it is only about 10 minutes drive away. Often we will just go. No preparation or any of that: just get in the car and go. I remember many a time arriving back to the car with half soaked children, and they all lived, even without a change of clothes or a towel to speak of. I especially love when one of them pipes up now and then, and suddenly says "remember the time we…" It is almost always an unplanned spur-of-the-moment memory.

2) Find and build wonderful friendships, within which you can be completely honest.

We all have a variety of types of friendships. There is nothing wrong with this. Some people are completely open, honest and comfortable talking about everything, some like to (or decide to) keep to themselves. We are all different, and I love that! But no matter who you are, it's sometimes just nice to be heard. For someone to listen carefully and be honest right back. It's helpful to have someone who can listen without judgement and to say 'I'm here for you' when there is nothing more to say; especially when 'it'll be okay' isn't even possible.

On tough days, remember that there are other parents out there just like you, going through similar situations. We are all in it together. Successful and in-between days. Share it all.

More on friendship here.

1) When there are no more words: hugs. And stories.

Parenting can be the best thing ever! It can leave a person feeling deeper feelings than they have ever before experienced, more fun than ever before. But it can also leave you alone in the dark, desperate for sleep and just one good hour. One. Solid. Good. Hour. Some situations can leave parents praying for answers, and trying not to let the tears show, because they are just done.

Some days there comes a moment when I realise the day can not be saved. No amount of motivation or brilliant ideas found on Pinterest can turn it around. On those days I let it go. I let go of all the expectations and goals and dreams and wonderful things I had planned and hoped for. I stop fighting.

Instead I hug them. My little ones, who I would give anything to run from at that horrible moment. I hug them and breathe. And just wait. All moments pass, some just seems to be harder to get past when emotions are running high and there seems to be nowhere to go and nothing left to do. I decide to take out all the words. There is nothing left to say that will be of any benefit to anyone anyway. As I feel my heart rate return to normal, as our breathing settles and that little one leans into me, giving up on all the anger and all the I-know-best, I wait a moment longer. Then I turn and ask them to come and read for a while. It's a myth that children stop wanting to be read to once they are proficient readers. Often this is when they need it the most. As I read, snuggled in, often questions surface about the character/s that reflect truly what all the angst was about to begin with. It's never about what it's about, after all.

Hug. Breathe. Let it pass. Then read stories.

There are never enough hugs or stories.xx

It's never really about what it's about. Understanding and avoiding: mummy meltdowns and toddler tantrums.

If there is one thing that I've discovered as a parent, that applies to people on the whole, it's that: it's never about what it's about.

Remember a time when someone completely lost it. Maybe it was a toddler, a partner or even a workmate or boss. Think about what was going on, and why that person was upset. Now realise that that was not what they were really upset about. Not completely. You see we all have stuff. Things that are going on behind the scenes, the undercurrents or our lives, things that we just don't talk about or sometimes even recognise ourselves. That is what meltdowns and tantrums are really about.

It's like that line that seems to keep coming up on FB:

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind.

I love it, because it's so true. We all know it to be true because we can see it in ourselves. Other people just don't know what is truly going on in our lives. Not entirely anyway.

We hide stuff, pretend it's not there, don't feel the need to talk about it or worry someone, because hey, it's not as bad as the stuff such-and-such is going through, time to just toughen up and deal. There are big dreams that cause frustration because we feel they may never be. There is discord between people that is never addressed or spoken about, instead ignored or just accepted to be 'the way it is.' Then there is the stuff that we shrug our shoulders at and say, "that's life" and try so hard to be okay with, or decide it doesn't matter, because there is nothing we can do but pray about it. We pretend it doesn't bother us. But deep down it does, even when we smile, try to be positive, pray, and wait. It's still there.

And then a difficult situation strikes and BAM: higher order thinking leaves the building. Later we look back and reflect that the situation really wasn't that bad after all, and sometimes are even hard on ourselves that we just couldn't keep it together. We focus in on the result. We make decisions to keep our calm, not yell, count to 10, breathe deeply, and pray before acting. But we end up right back in the same situation again and again, because when it comes down to it, it wasn't really about what it was about. It's about all the other stuff lurking in the background.

Toddler tantrums are a result of this too. It's never the last 'no' that really causes the tantrum. It's the learning of ALL the nos and yeses and in-betweens-that-make-no-sense! that lead to that overwhelming feeling. It can be all too much for a little one, and as much as they try to communicate, noone really understands. Add in a bit of tired, overstimulated, and/or hungry and a tantrum is bound to occur. The tantrum isn't about the 'no' to a packet of chips or another trip out to the back yard. It's about the huge ALL of everything going on in their swiftly developing brains.

The very best advice I've heard for dealing with tantrums and meltdowns in toddlers and children is to not deal with them. If it has reached the stage of a meltdown or tantrum it is far too late. There is nothing you can do but make sure the child and everyone around is safe, then wait. Once the child starts to come back to the real world approach, and ask "what did you want?" This is not saying it was okay or anything like that. This is not the time to discuss it. The child needs to move on. Asking the question lets them have a say. No acknowledgement needs to happen in response, rather move on with a phrase like "let's go and get a drink" or "let's see where the tissues are." Later on when everything has returned to normal, it's time to revisit and discuss what was really behind the meltdown. What is going on at school/preschool? Is there something the child is afraid of? Was it too loud for the child? Etc.

If the child is too young to revisit and discuss the tantrum, then they are also too young to be avoiding a tantrum. I see that as my job then to decide what had happened in the day leading up to the tantrum. I think about everything from tiredness, overstimulation, learning leaps, new encounters, food, scary situations, etc. Then plan the next day taking this into account. It can be a bit hit and miss sometimes. If they are missing language, I teach signs so they can get their point across easily and I always acknowledge the signs. If hitting or biting occurs, then I start my teaching on gentleness. Three of my five have needed this. Daisy for example started pulling my hair when she would get upset. If she pulled my hair I would say 'no' and then used her hand to pat my hair saying gentle. I would practice 'gentle' with her in many situations throughout the day, everyday. It only took a little while before I could say "gentle" and she would pat rather than pull, but I was still aware that she was beginning to get upset, and make necessary changes accordingly. She still has tantrums, because our life doesn't revolve around her, but they are minimised. Even the older kids are being trained to "listen to what she is saying." They need to know when she is making her cranky noises it is time to back off.

The hardest thing is that all the learning takes time. Though, when I think about it, I can't really complain, because I'm not perfect either. The whole learning patience thing is still a lesson I can't seem to learn! And I very much doubt I'll ever really grasp that I am not in control of everything.

So today, faced with cleaning the house for a group of other mums tonight, I felt overwhelmed. Even though to be honest the house wasn't looking that bad. Because when it came down to it, it wasn't about what it was about. My overwhelmed feeling had nothing to do with the house, instead it was about a million other things that are going on behind the scenes that I am handling. Things that I am struggling with and in many cases can do nothing about. Nothing huge. Nothing life threatening. But things circling in the background with no resolution or situations which I wish I had the proper time and energy they deserve to be dealt with.

I know many other mums feel this way too. It brings me comfort to know there are others right where I am now, facing the same challenges.

So instead of heading dangerously towards losing it I did what I do to deal with all those feelings and situations and dreams that I can not do anything about right now. I wrote. I wrote in my journal and I wrote here. It's my way of avoiding a mummy meltdown. Other people have other ways, but this works for me. Talkng also helps, but the timing isn't always practical and sometimes I'm just not ready to say some things out loud.

Tonight I will be having a group of mums from church over. One thing that we will definitely be doing is talking about what it is really about. We will be sharing on all the little challenges we are facing, just to have someone listen and nod along, and encourage each other. And I've decided to leave all the washing on the washing lounge. And my sewing machine is staying on the dining room table. It is my gift to them. I'm letting them see how I really live- the real me. The real me is sooo much more fun than the fake me. She is also less tired, so can listen all the more.

How do you avoid mummy meltdowns? We are all different, so what works for me may not work for others. It would be great if you could pass on your tips to someone who may be very much in need of them, right at this moment.

If you are the one who needs the help; if you are done read this: You already are. And when the surface fades away. The following is a repeat of the end of this post. I needed to read it today. To remember.

'…...So. To you, if you think you are done. If you think you are failing. Maybe talk to a friend. Tell someone and let them tell you how awesome you are. But just in case you are not quite ready to let someone past your 'I'm fine' face:

You are amazing, brave and strong. Be kind to yourself. Just. Keep. Going. You may think that you can't. But:

You already are.

To those who are not struggling right now. Maybe take the time to chat to someone. Encourage someone, whether they need it or not. We all need it. Be honest and open. Let's go beyond all the grand successes and talk instead about failures. And more importantly the overcoming of them. We need to let the I-just-can'ts meet with the I've-been-there-toos hope. Because it's all about being heard and understood. This is the moment in a relationship where the surface fades away. And true friendship begins…..'

A blah day. And the new you-cannot-deliver-mail-naked rule.

Today is R U OK? Day. What a great day to share some quality complaining about my day. Yes, I would love to be the person who is always positive and finds joy in everything. But sometimes, I'm just not. Like most people, we know that the blah things that happen to us are really nothing compared to the huge, terrible stuff that is happening in others lives, so we stay silent. We end up feeling we are the only ones having blah days as a result. How about I get the ball rolling? Then for this day, since the question has been asked about a million times on Facebook, we can say how our day really was. Even if it is just whinging.

So, I'm done with today. Craig was answering a barrage of but-how-do-you-know-the-hot-plate-is-still-hot?-shouldn't-we-test-it? questions as he served up dinner and I hid around the corner in the study to start writing this. Because I was already done.

It's just been such a blah day, and I promised I would write about the good and the bad and the in-between bits. This is an in-between. It's not like it was the most terrible day ever. But I really need sleep, many hours (or even 6) in a row. And for my children to wake up tomorrow with the desire to acknowledge that I have spoken. I think I may in fact have been invisible today. Or maybe my voice had just been temporarily muted and I am the only one unaware.

I was completely prepared for the usual punishment I receive from Daisy following work (all the kids have done it), but I wasn't ready for them all to have a laugh-about-everything-be-silly-&-ignore-mummy day. The extra what-do-you-think-you-are-doing antics were a real bonus. I don't often have completely head-shaking days, but today was definitely one of them. Here's why.

Hands up anyone who has had to use the words "it is not okay to tie your brother up with skipping ropes while he is on the trampoline!! EVEN if he is the one who thought of it and asked you to!! No not even for science!!!!!" Anyone? No? And to make matters worse the older kids are not even allowed to be on the trampoline with the younger kids anyway. Just in case anyone is wondering, like Mr H, it is possible to still jump on a trampoline with arms and legs tied together. I'm glad that we have put that question to bed and he requires no further investigation. My banning of trampoline use for the rest of the day as a result didn't even stick. Ten minutes later I was putting this decision back into affect, met with fake-but-we-didn't-know looks.

I've also been given the opportunity to invent a new rule today. It is: you cannot deliver mail to anyone while you are naked. Henry decided he had to write and deliver mail to Isabel immediately. Getting dressed for bed was of no importance. Hence the rule. And yes, he did try to talk us out of the rule, but with a second parent in agreement offering to hold the mail, he caved. Mail is to be delivered with clothes on. Always a good rule to learn early.

When I add in the burping competition, the 2hr+appointment waiting with Miss D and Mr H, the sleep that didn't happen last night, and the flu that just doesn't want to leave me alone, defeat and sighs followed.

So when taking Lucy to the shops on the way home from dancing I already had a bad attitude. Then Lucy said something to stop me in my tracks. She looked up brightly at me as we crossed the car park on the roof of the shopping centre, and said, "Mummy! We get to see the sunset! How special!" I hadn't even noticed. Stuck in my hazy, bad mood I couldn't see the beauty before me. She asked to have her picture taken. I did this, grateful for a good moment among the blah. I wish I could say my mood brightened, but it didn't. Sometimes it's just hard to get out of that mood when I'm in it. Sometimes I don't even care to try. Waiting for the day to be over and start again is just so much easier.

So am I okay? Yes, I'm fine. Blah days come and go. Yes, I am so happy that they are all sleeping now and I get to have a new fresh day tomorrow. Having a few hours of uninterrupted sleep between now and then really wouldn't hurt, but whatever mood I wake in, and they wake in, we will be all in it together. That makes me smile. Perhaps I will resolve to try harder to make the best of it and chose to look for the good tomorrow, even if the good involves trampolines, mail, sighs and science experiments. Who knows. Right now, I choose honesty and say: there was good, bad, and for the most part in-between-blah today.

How was your day? Complaining about trivial things is completely allowed and encouraged. Sometimes we just need to have a conversation. And be real. It's the point of today after all. I look forward to hearing all about your day.

The missing, the clarity, and the return.

I love my job. I really and truly do.

I get paid to have fun helping little kids who for the most part, like me. And I really like them. The little smiles they give when they see me walk into the room, or sometimes little cheers (which is so cute!) and the oh-I-get-it-now-s. The worried looks, the cranky I-just-don't-get-it-s! and the way they can just look at me and say 'why can't I just be good at this?' with tears forming in their eyes, from the simple honesty that I have been fortunate enough to be let in for. The amazing opportunity it is to respond to all this with my I-empathise looks, my I-can-help-you and we-will-do-it-together declarations, and delivering the question that almost always leads to smiles: "think back to a year ago - how far you have come since then?" Being in a position of such trust and respect is a privilege that I will never take for granted.

But if I'm entirely honest, there is also a piece of me that loves my job because it exists for me alone. It's all mine. It was there in the before-I-was-mummy time. It's a part of me that didn't disappear with nappies and crying and tantrums. And what's more, I feel at least mostly confident in what I'm doing. Doubt doesn't generally follow me there. I live completely in the moment and enjoy it.

Work also has an added bonus that many years ago I saw as a negative: a long drive home. Before children I saw it as wasted time. Now I see it as the only moments of genuine clarity that exist in my week.

I've always assumed that I find clarity at home difficult because I'm always surrounded by a million yet-to-be-done tasks, 5 needy children, and a husband who occasionally likes me to remember he exists. Time to think and make sound decisions just doesn't happen often. Distractions are constant.

I realised today that maybe I was wrong. Maybe, just maybe, I can't think clearly for reasons other than busyness.

As I took my shoes off and put my work things away, I walked towards the back door, hearing the sounds of children playing beyond. I smiled as I reached to open the door and my heart almost skipped a beat as I was suddenly so overeager to be them, that it almost hurt that I was not already there. As the door slid open and I stepped out into the all-too-familiar world that is my everyday, I instantly began to feel the fuzziness of home pulling at the edges of my mind.

And then Daisy ran towards me, eyes wide and arms reaching up to be held. She snuggled in unmoving, melting into me as I held her, feeling her warm breath on my neck: her silent acknowledgement that her beloved was finally home. The decisions of an hour past began to crumble a little. Lucy leapt into the air as she rounded the corner, super excited to see me, eager to hug me in a way that seemed impossible for the tiny girl that she is. Isabel started talking immediately, about the nothing and the everything that made up her day, reminding me yet again that she needs a haircut on the weekend. Henry cried 'mummy!' excitedly then stood perfectly still, holding me, perhaps afraid if he let go I would float away and disappear. I then walked around the corner to see Jack and Craig proudly ready to show me the basketball hoop they had just put together, as Daisy wriggled from my arms to run off onto the grass with the others to play.

Finally, as I stood watching the family that is my almost-everything, the crystal clear thoughts that I experienced only such a short time ago gave way to the fuzzy, warm, inviting, reality that is my crazy-fun, amazing-difficult, huge and tiny everyday life.

My earlier thoughts were based clearly on reality. When I walked through the door, I knew what I needed to do. I had made decisive plans and ran over them with ease in my mind. Only they were missing something so crucial. Hope. Love. The all-consuming, give-all, want-to-be-so-much-better-for-you, too-much-will-never-be-enough, all-things-and-more-are-possible, love, that I feel as I walk back into the cloud I call home.

As I later sat, arms and heart full, the need for clarity and almost everything else disappeared. I remembered the meaning of enough. Of content. Of blessed. I remembered all of this because this morning I left them. I missed them. I came home to them. And in the process, my heart remembered the simple joy and privilege it is to be here. To just sit and be here with them. The everything and the all of the outside world has once again faded away and I get to be something much more special than anything else I have ever experienced: mummy.x

The specialness of a daddy. The sacrifice and adoration.

My girls have a favourite song. And every time it plays I'm reminded of the specialness and the difficulty in being a daddy.

They dance around the lounge room to this song. Sometimes they even dance with Craig, yet it will be some years before I think they will truly realise the meaning behind the words they sing.

I am blessed to have awesome parents. My memories involving my own dad are wonderful.

I remember being a child, listening for the sound of his motorbike approaching our house. On hearing it I would run outside to meet him and he would always let us beep the horn.

I remember wondering why he was always warm, especially his hands. There were many times that his hands warmed mine.

He would always pretend to hypnotise the bottle/jar cap of something I was struggling to open, and I would stand amazed that it would always work as he would open it easily.

I remember my horrible teenage years, fighting with my dad, and stomping off to my bedroom. I know now that this helped the natural people-pleaser in me learn how to say no and stick to my own beliefs, unswayed by the crowd.

I remember the moment I told my dad I had just become engaged, and feeling him hold me tight, seeing his eyes glisten as I pulled away to tell my family all about the proposal.

I remember him walking me down the aisle at my wedding, knowing that our relationship had now changed forever.

Seeing him hold his first grandchild, so small in his arms, I found it almost unbelievable that he once held me the exact same way so many years ago.

I recall all the fixing and helping that he has silently endured for all the years in between, that all at once remind me of the the scene in 'the princess bride' where the meaning for the words "as you wish" are revealed.

I smile at the way he still says "hello big girl" as he hears my voice on the other end of the telephone. Every time. With the sound of happiness no matter what is going on with him at the time.

I look back and remember being completely loved, supported, and safe. My dad is most definitely the strong and silent type, so my relationship with him is where I learnt that love is most often found in actions, not words. Words are too easy. The care, time, and sometimes just hard work, says so much more.

They say that girls choose to marry a man like their father. In many ways I can see that.

As a mother I have been given the opportunity to see things from the other side, by watching my husband, and it makes me appreciate my memories all the more.

I see the sacrifice made daily, as an often tired dad plays and takes children on bike rides and reads endless stories to little ones snuggled in his lap. I see the constant struggle it is for a dad to provide in a monetary way for his family, but at the same time trying so hard to find the time to connect with his wife and children. I realise how hard all the overtime is now, and was then. I am confronted with the reality that dads question their ability to be a good parent just as much as mums do; only without the constant support I experience from other mothers.

I am blessed to experience the utter joy and complete love a dad feels when he is with his children, and know that protecting them is something he would do with everything in him, in a heart beat, without question.

My children may not realise the meaning behind the words they sing and dance to right now. But I do. It's every dad's plight.

And as I see Lucy's eyes light up as she hears her daddy's motorbike approach, and she gets up to run to the door, I know that one day she will hear the song she has listened to so many times, once again. Only this time she will understand the words and silently thank the man who has given her all too much to ever properly thank him for.

To my dad, my husband, and all the amazing dads out there doing their best: thank you. Know that your children see you trying so hard and feel your amazing love, even if they don't always show gratefulness.

One day, maybe many years from now, they may just find themselves sitting at a computer, reflecting on your influence, and realise just how much you gave to be the one, who will always be worthy of one of the most precious titles anywhere on earth: daddy.

The song: Dance with Cinderella

She spins and she sways to whatever song plays,
Without a care in the world.
And I'm sitting here with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
It's been a long day and there's still work to do,
She's pulling at me, saying "dad I need you,
There's a ball at the castle and I've been invited,
But I need to practice my dancing.
Please, daddy, please."

So I'll dance with Cinderella, while she is here in my arms,
because I know something the prince never knew.

So I'll dance with Cinderella, I don't want to miss even one song,
'Cause all too soon, the clock will strike midnight,
And she'll be gone.

A Saturday in the life of five children. In photos.

Today Craig is at work. The rest of us are home for the whole day, so I thought it might be a perfect opportunity to do a day in the life piece.

I am asked a lot about what my life is like with five kids. Sometimes with a hint of awe in their voice (usually first time parents - I've so been there.) Sometimes with disbelief that it is even possible. Sometimes with a head-shaking you-are-crazy tone. It doesn't bother me. I once said that all subsequent children have to be surprises, because no one would ever go through the first year again by choice. Oh how I have changed since then! But that's a topic for another time.

Life with five can be crazy-fun, overwhelmingly-busy, exciting and heart warming, depending on the moment. So these are some snaps shots of my moments, all collected in an ordinary day.

Note: I have probably missed three quarters of the day, because carrying an iPad around constantly can be a bit impractical, especially when carrying a one year old.

Let's begin…..

I am woken by Craig's alarm, but I stay in bed as Daisy is still asleep in the cot beside me.

Half an hour later Henry wakes me to show off his cool outfit. Daisy wakes up and the kids take turns visiting until I drag myself out of bed to make breakfast for all. The older girls and Henry are dancing to music on the iPad. Daisy joins in. Two children are dressed.

Breakfast. Yogurt. Jack last, because this means the iPod disappears until quiet time. Teeth brushed.

Time to play! I walk around collecting washing and chatting to the kids. Lucy is working on decorating some shoes, an activity she got for her birthday. I'm happily still in my PJ's.

Outside play. I like to start outside play when I am going to be outside myself. Today I hang the washing. As I finish, I walk around, chatting with each child about what they are doing.

Once they are all engaged in an activity of their choice I wander back inside to eat a quick breakfast, write a few sentences for this blog and then get some work done.

Usually I can't leave a little one outside with the others until 18-21 months. Daisy is the exception. She is 14 months. She rarely puts things in her mouth, can run, and can climb up and down off the edge of the deck easily. Isabel and Lucy are amazing at entertaining her and allow each other 'turns' looking after Daisy. This is only a weekend thing, so it is very special to them both. And I only check on them from the kitchen window a thousand few times.

I am interrupted four times while eating breakfast, which is actually a pretty good run for me, as I only get up once. Jack leaves to ride to his cousins' house, as he noticed there were some of their things on the blue cabinet (the place of all I-don't-know-where-this-goes things.)

Snack time coincides with rain. This is great because I can say they will get their snack when hands were washed and clothes changed.

Inside play again, as the rain has not left quite yet. Lucy starts dancing and others decide to join her.

Isabel starts a sewing project. She decides on another bookmark like the one she made last week, just a bit different. I sit with her and teach her to embroider her initial onto felt.

Daisy's nap time. Everyone has to be quiet while I put her to bed, just as I did for each of them in the past. Lucy continues her shoe activity, Jack goes outside in the rain to dig and explore and Henry plays Lego (and then sneaks an iPad to watch a black and white episode of AstroBoy!)

Washing time again. Jack has discovered old pieces of tile while digging and tries to convince me that we may need to contact a museum. They may in fact be artefacts, 100's of years old! Jack has a shower and Lucy dances again. Henry agrees to join in. But only for boy songs. Isabel asks for advice concerning elastic for her project.

Time to put clothes away. I have seven clean-clothes baskets, which I put all the clean clothes in for each person. The kids put their own away. And I go back later to tidy the drawers, which takes five minutes as opposed to the half and hour it would take to put it all away myself.

After the girls come from their room with empty baskets they notice we haven't taken the dry washing off the airers from the day before. They both help me to do this job as Jack starts making lunch for Henry and himself.

Lunch time. Jack decides it is a two-kinds-of-peanut-butter day. What Jack says, goes. Henry usually likes to make his own lunch, but loves Jack enough to let him make it, which Jack likes too. He cuts both pieces of toast (one crunchy, one plain peanut butter) into quarters and arranges them in a checker board pattern for Henry.

The girls make lunch together. Meanwhile I fold washing from the dryer and tidy up a little.

My lunch time as the kids finish up theirs, watching Jack play Minecraft. He is the only one with an iPod (we have a 9yr old rule as they are too easy to lose.)

Quiet time. Silence. Or almost silence. Isabel is making a bookmark. Jack and Henry bond over 'I' products. Lucy plays with puzzles on the iPad.

In the past I made them all go to separate rooms to play for this time, and sometimes in holidays I still do, but Henry cried and Lucy was getting upset too, as they don't get to spend much time playing together during the week. So I changed the rule to quiet play of their choice, so long as it stays quiet. Daisy gets to sleep and they all get some time to calm down and rest. Without this time, there will be fights and whinging all afternoon.

Daisy wakes up. Love that sweet-snuggly-baby-happiness that is a toddler waking up!

All children now continue their activities in the lounge room so they can see Daisy as she eats lunch. Isabel, now finished her first sewing project, starts another.

2pm. Jack, Lucy and Henry (now playing Leapfrog Explorer together) have to turn electronics off. These children claim to be hungry, which is code for bored. I tell them to find something to do, snack will be ready at 3. Isabel, halfway through her sewing project, has an idea for her next one. She explains it to me.

Jack makes his way to his bedroom to play Lego. Daisy follows him. He assures me that he will watch her every second, and begs me not to take her away. He entertains her, making her a car to play with.

Daisy stands and watches him for a while, then plays on Henry's bed. It's her favourite place.

Henry and Lucy have closed themselves in the playroom. They don't want Daisy wrecking the game they have set up. It involves every toy in the room. The dolls house, bat cave, Thomas books and Duplo are the main players.

Eventually they let Daisy in, who has now become bored with watching Jack build Lego.

Isabel shows me her second finished sewing project.

As I take photos of Isabel, Daisy notices the open baby gate and makes her way through the kitchen to the study. She empties a pencil tin and finds my purse, as Isabel is explain more about her next project.

Jack wants to make the snack now that it is 3pm. I say YES! Henry decides to help.

Lucy sets Daisy up in her highchair while I get her a snack.

Lucy and Henry dance while they wait for their snack.

Snack time!

Craig arrives home. To a concert. This is him five minutes after walking through the door: changed and ready to watch.

I make him a well deserved cuppa. The kids who have now had daddy attention go to play while we catch up.

Craig and the kids go outside to play, while I get to sit down and write/type for a little while. I join them after a while to watch them play. Craig is busy undoing some of their creativity from earlier in the day.

Showers next, with a viewing of Frozen to finish the day.

I'm sure that is enough photos for now! I hope you enjoyed your day too.x