It's never really about what it's about. Understanding and avoiding: mummy meltdowns and toddler tantrums.

If there is one thing that I've discovered as a parent, that applies to people on the whole, it's that: it's never about what it's about.

Remember a time when someone completely lost it. Maybe it was a toddler, a partner or even a workmate or boss. Think about what was going on, and why that person was upset. Now realise that that was not what they were really upset about. Not completely. You see we all have stuff. Things that are going on behind the scenes, the undercurrents or our lives, things that we just don't talk about or sometimes even recognise ourselves. That is what meltdowns and tantrums are really about.

It's like that line that seems to keep coming up on FB:

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind.

I love it, because it's so true. We all know it to be true because we can see it in ourselves. Other people just don't know what is truly going on in our lives. Not entirely anyway.

We hide stuff, pretend it's not there, don't feel the need to talk about it or worry someone, because hey, it's not as bad as the stuff such-and-such is going through, time to just toughen up and deal. There are big dreams that cause frustration because we feel they may never be. There is discord between people that is never addressed or spoken about, instead ignored or just accepted to be 'the way it is.' Then there is the stuff that we shrug our shoulders at and say, "that's life" and try so hard to be okay with, or decide it doesn't matter, because there is nothing we can do but pray about it. We pretend it doesn't bother us. But deep down it does, even when we smile, try to be positive, pray, and wait. It's still there.

And then a difficult situation strikes and BAM: higher order thinking leaves the building. Later we look back and reflect that the situation really wasn't that bad after all, and sometimes are even hard on ourselves that we just couldn't keep it together. We focus in on the result. We make decisions to keep our calm, not yell, count to 10, breathe deeply, and pray before acting. But we end up right back in the same situation again and again, because when it comes down to it, it wasn't really about what it was about. It's about all the other stuff lurking in the background.

Toddler tantrums are a result of this too. It's never the last 'no' that really causes the tantrum. It's the learning of ALL the nos and yeses and in-betweens-that-make-no-sense! that lead to that overwhelming feeling. It can be all too much for a little one, and as much as they try to communicate, noone really understands. Add in a bit of tired, overstimulated, and/or hungry and a tantrum is bound to occur. The tantrum isn't about the 'no' to a packet of chips or another trip out to the back yard. It's about the huge ALL of everything going on in their swiftly developing brains.

The very best advice I've heard for dealing with tantrums and meltdowns in toddlers and children is to not deal with them. If it has reached the stage of a meltdown or tantrum it is far too late. There is nothing you can do but make sure the child and everyone around is safe, then wait. Once the child starts to come back to the real world approach, and ask "what did you want?" This is not saying it was okay or anything like that. This is not the time to discuss it. The child needs to move on. Asking the question lets them have a say. No acknowledgement needs to happen in response, rather move on with a phrase like "let's go and get a drink" or "let's see where the tissues are." Later on when everything has returned to normal, it's time to revisit and discuss what was really behind the meltdown. What is going on at school/preschool? Is there something the child is afraid of? Was it too loud for the child? Etc.

If the child is too young to revisit and discuss the tantrum, then they are also too young to be avoiding a tantrum. I see that as my job then to decide what had happened in the day leading up to the tantrum. I think about everything from tiredness, overstimulation, learning leaps, new encounters, food, scary situations, etc. Then plan the next day taking this into account. It can be a bit hit and miss sometimes. If they are missing language, I teach signs so they can get their point across easily and I always acknowledge the signs. If hitting or biting occurs, then I start my teaching on gentleness. Three of my five have needed this. Daisy for example started pulling my hair when she would get upset. If she pulled my hair I would say 'no' and then used her hand to pat my hair saying gentle. I would practice 'gentle' with her in many situations throughout the day, everyday. It only took a little while before I could say "gentle" and she would pat rather than pull, but I was still aware that she was beginning to get upset, and make necessary changes accordingly. She still has tantrums, because our life doesn't revolve around her, but they are minimised. Even the older kids are being trained to "listen to what she is saying." They need to know when she is making her cranky noises it is time to back off.

The hardest thing is that all the learning takes time. Though, when I think about it, I can't really complain, because I'm not perfect either. The whole learning patience thing is still a lesson I can't seem to learn! And I very much doubt I'll ever really grasp that I am not in control of everything.

So today, faced with cleaning the house for a group of other mums tonight, I felt overwhelmed. Even though to be honest the house wasn't looking that bad. Because when it came down to it, it wasn't about what it was about. My overwhelmed feeling had nothing to do with the house, instead it was about a million other things that are going on behind the scenes that I am handling. Things that I am struggling with and in many cases can do nothing about. Nothing huge. Nothing life threatening. But things circling in the background with no resolution or situations which I wish I had the proper time and energy they deserve to be dealt with.

I know many other mums feel this way too. It brings me comfort to know there are others right where I am now, facing the same challenges.

So instead of heading dangerously towards losing it I did what I do to deal with all those feelings and situations and dreams that I can not do anything about right now. I wrote. I wrote in my journal and I wrote here. It's my way of avoiding a mummy meltdown. Other people have other ways, but this works for me. Talkng also helps, but the timing isn't always practical and sometimes I'm just not ready to say some things out loud.

Tonight I will be having a group of mums from church over. One thing that we will definitely be doing is talking about what it is really about. We will be sharing on all the little challenges we are facing, just to have someone listen and nod along, and encourage each other. And I've decided to leave all the washing on the washing lounge. And my sewing machine is staying on the dining room table. It is my gift to them. I'm letting them see how I really live- the real me. The real me is sooo much more fun than the fake me. She is also less tired, so can listen all the more.

How do you avoid mummy meltdowns? We are all different, so what works for me may not work for others. It would be great if you could pass on your tips to someone who may be very much in need of them, right at this moment.

If you are the one who needs the help; if you are done read this: You already are. And when the surface fades away. The following is a repeat of the end of this post. I needed to read it today. To remember.

'…...So. To you, if you think you are done. If you think you are failing. Maybe talk to a friend. Tell someone and let them tell you how awesome you are. But just in case you are not quite ready to let someone past your 'I'm fine' face:

You are amazing, brave and strong. Be kind to yourself. Just. Keep. Going. You may think that you can't. But:

You already are.

To those who are not struggling right now. Maybe take the time to chat to someone. Encourage someone, whether they need it or not. We all need it. Be honest and open. Let's go beyond all the grand successes and talk instead about failures. And more importantly the overcoming of them. We need to let the I-just-can'ts meet with the I've-been-there-toos hope. Because it's all about being heard and understood. This is the moment in a relationship where the surface fades away. And true friendship begins…..'