I get paid to have fun helping little kids who for the most part, like me. And I really like them. The little smiles they give when they see me walk into the room, or sometimes little cheers (which is so cute!) and the oh-I-get-it-now-s. The worried looks, the cranky I-just-don't-get-it-s! and the way they can just look at me and say 'why can't I just be good at this?' with tears forming in their eyes, from the simple honesty that I have been fortunate enough to be let in for. The amazing opportunity it is to respond to all this with my I-empathise looks, my I-can-help-you and we-will-do-it-together declarations, and delivering the question that almost always leads to smiles: "think back to a year ago - how far you have come since then?" Being in a position of such trust and respect is a privilege that I will never take for granted.
But if I'm entirely honest, there is also a piece of me that loves my job because it exists for me alone. It's all mine. It was there in the before-I-was-mummy time. It's a part of me that didn't disappear with nappies and crying and tantrums. And what's more, I feel at least mostly confident in what I'm doing. Doubt doesn't generally follow me there. I live completely in the moment and enjoy it.
Work also has an added bonus that many years ago I saw as a negative: a long drive home. Before children I saw it as wasted time. Now I see it as the only moments of genuine clarity that exist in my week.
I've always assumed that I find clarity at home difficult because I'm always surrounded by a million yet-to-be-done tasks, 5 needy children, and a husband who occasionally likes me to remember he exists. Time to think and make sound decisions just doesn't happen often. Distractions are constant.
I realised today that maybe I was wrong. Maybe, just maybe, I can't think clearly for reasons other than busyness.
As I took my shoes off and put my work things away, I walked towards the back door, hearing the sounds of children playing beyond. I smiled as I reached to open the door and my heart almost skipped a beat as I was suddenly so overeager to be them, that it almost hurt that I was not already there. As the door slid open and I stepped out into the all-too-familiar world that is my everyday, I instantly began to feel the fuzziness of home pulling at the edges of my mind.
And then Daisy ran towards me, eyes wide and arms reaching up to be held. She snuggled in unmoving, melting into me as I held her, feeling her warm breath on my neck: her silent acknowledgement that her beloved was finally home. The decisions of an hour past began to crumble a little. Lucy leapt into the air as she rounded the corner, super excited to see me, eager to hug me in a way that seemed impossible for the tiny girl that she is. Isabel started talking immediately, about the nothing and the everything that made up her day, reminding me yet again that she needs a haircut on the weekend. Henry cried 'mummy!' excitedly then stood perfectly still, holding me, perhaps afraid if he let go I would float away and disappear. I then walked around the corner to see Jack and Craig proudly ready to show me the basketball hoop they had just put together, as Daisy wriggled from my arms to run off onto the grass with the others to play.
Finally, as I stood watching the family that is my almost-everything, the crystal clear thoughts that I experienced only such a short time ago gave way to the fuzzy, warm, inviting, reality that is my crazy-fun, amazing-difficult, huge and tiny everyday life.
My earlier thoughts were based clearly on reality. When I walked through the door, I knew what I needed to do. I had made decisive plans and ran over them with ease in my mind. Only they were missing something so crucial. Hope. Love. The all-consuming, give-all, want-to-be-so-much-better-for-you, too-much-will-never-be-enough, all-things-and-more-are-possible, love, that I feel as I walk back into the cloud I call home.
As I later sat, arms and heart full, the need for clarity and almost everything else disappeared. I remembered the meaning of enough. Of content. Of blessed. I remembered all of this because this morning I left them. I missed them. I came home to them. And in the process, my heart remembered the simple joy and privilege it is to be here. To just sit and be here with them. The everything and the all of the outside world has once again faded away and I get to be something much more special than anything else I have ever experienced: mummy.x
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