Hidden awesomeness. And when the caffeine to lack of sleep ratio is not quite right.

Sometimes I have days where I'd really like a do-over. A chance to just say, look, my caffeine to lack of sleep ratio was off today, let's do that again with a few extra cups of tea.

And I'll just keep my mouth shut.

Anyone else ever feel that way? Today was that day for me.

Craig has just finished a fortnight of nightshifts. It has almost killed me. You see my three gorgeous little girls don't sleep properly when daddy is not home. There is a wake-mummy-up schedule that comes into effect from the first night shift. I sometimes wish I could sync this schedule with the calendar on my phone so I'm aware well in advance just how tired and cranky I will be at any given point. For example: "no I won't be coming over Tuesday because Monday night is a 3 hrs of broken sleep night. What about Friday? I'm having a whole four hours sleep in a row the night before!" 

So at the end of this fortnight, caffeine is important. Today I obviously didn't get enough of it, and it became yet another in-between day.

As with most times like this, I mentally reprimanded my self, and did the 'how would I do the day differently' rollover in my mind, until I came to thinking about my children. I thought about that moment when they have been really naughty, I'm talking I-can't-even-speak-right-now naughty, and then I look at them. And even though I want to scream or walk out, I can always see just a tiny bit of their awesomeness shining through.

It's in that moment that I can take a deep breath, and often chose grace. 

Well maybe it's like that for grown ups too. Maybe even when we have not been the person we aspire to be and we'd rather hit the reset button for the day, there is still a little bit of awesomeness there. It's just hidden.

It's so much easier to focus on the things I didn't get quite right today. It's easy for me to overlook all the good. 

Tonight I stopped and took a photo of my favourite tree as I got out of the car. I just stood there in the middle of my drive way smelling the sweet air, being thankful for the simple. I walked through the door to the sounds of children complaining and Daisy crying, and I didn't lose it. I calmly picked Daisy up, rubbing her back as I sorted out the lastest dramas with the others. I sighed as Craig told me he had just burnt dinner and turned to the kids and announced 'Henry's choice' (always cereal) for dinner. When a couple complained rather than getting cross, I said that I guess I could allow toast as an alternative, and even gave in to those wanting vegemite AND peanut butter, resulting in smiles all round. Then I left, tired, hungry and desperate to sit down, to get groceries. And I didn't even buy chocolate. Not one bit.

Sometimes the good is in the not. Not doing, being patient, and just quietly going about the regular, can be the hidden awesomeness in my day. Perfect is not possible. And it is certainly not real. Maybe taking a brief moment to see my own hidden awesomeness can allow me time to take a breath and encourage myself to accept grace too.

So instead of sitting here revisiting my mistakes I choose to not. I choose to move on and not make the same mistakes again. I choose grace.

As my thoughts turn to my own peanut butter on toast for dinner, with a dessert of hot chocolate and folding washing, I wonder how often the other mums I know feel the same way. How often do we all dish out grace to the others in our lives, but forget it's there for ourselves too? My guess would be far too often. We criticise our own choices, analyse our faults, try to be the perfect mum we can never be. In all the trying and failing, we must not forget that grace belongs to us too. And make sure we do the moving on bit properly, instead of revisiting the mistakes over and over, continuing the punishment. 

One of my favourite lines from a movie is, "tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it." I for one am glad that this is true. It's true for all of us.

So I encourage all who can see their faults, are focusing on mistakes, and shaking their heads at a one-step-forward-two-steps-back day: see your hidden awesomeness long enough to take a breath. Choose grace. And face a new day with a smile, because there are no mistakes in it. What a gift.