15 tips that might make parenting a little easier. But since we are all different, maybe 5 or 6.

As those of you who have been reading my blog posts for a while know, I think that the absolute hardest parts about parenting are the unseen things. The emotional bits that no one talks about much, because it's just so hard to put into words the trickiness.

The minefield of parenting can't be made easy. But it can perhaps be made at least a little easier than it might be right now. I've written the following as much a reminder for myself as to help all of you. As with anything, we are all different. I hope some of these tips help you, or even remind you of what you may already know. These aren't all the tips I have, but instead are 15 things I felt to write about right now.

I will count down, as I have had an amazing amount of experience in counting down. Every. Single. Day. "We are leaving in 10, 9, 8……"

Anyway. Here are 15 parenting tips that I've learnt along the way:

15) Let the kids help.

Agh! I hate this, so I'm getting it over and done with first. I want to do everything myself, because I am super awesome and do everything right. Except I'm not and I don't. But I think I can always do things better than my children, and maybe have a slight issue with wanting to be in control of something (anything really) so therefore I try to do everything. The problem with this is that one person is incapable of battling the mess of seven people, and sometimes their ideas are actually better than mine. Especially Jack's. There have been many times over the years that I have woken to being shown a new organisational system that Jack has put into place and already briefed the others on. The first time that I remember, happened before Lucy was born. He sat explaining to Isabel the new system for arranging pull-ups in a drawer. She was one.

Some mums have mastered this letting-kids-help business, and I wish I could say I have. I'm a work-in-progress. Yesterday we all cleaned the walls in the hall together. I have bought a new range of cleaning products that are non toxic, which have helped me to be okay with them helping out with the cleaning that they really want to do.

I was reminded of just how important it is, and how much they love helping out, the other day as my children built little greenhouses as teams. Isabel turned to Henry smiling and asked, "are you glad you got to help Henry?" With a huge smile he nodded. So, yes, I will continue to try to encourage my children to help out. And will try really hard to say yes when they want to do a job that I want to do *properly* myself.

14) When considering contribution to jobs around the house, find out what your child/ren are good at and like, and assign accordingly. 

Its funny that I want to do everything myself, but still want my kids to help out. At least, I want them to help out in areas that I want help in. If that makes any sense!? I used to be of the do-what-I-say-even-if-you-don't-like-it school of thought (and sometimes I still am), but to be honest, I'm exhausted most of the time and this method requires a great deal of energy to keep up. Constantly checking up on everyone, attempting to motivate, and being involved in a battle with someone almost all the time, is just too much with five kids. Letting everyone work to their strengths helps get everything done. Well, kind of done. The house still feels crazy-overwhelming much of the time, but there is more time for fun this way. And less of all-the-angry.

I know there are many parents who are able to motivate their kids to do anything, especially using rewards. Congrats if that's you! Jack does anything I ask well, without rewards. He is a naturally enthusiastic kid and loves helping out. The others are more of a challenge to get motivated and they DO NOT respond to rewards. Finding their strengths and favoured jobs has improved things on the helping out front, and has been achieved with the use of the happy book. Completely love it.

13) Start a happy book. 

It may sound like work, but I have found it to be so helpful with my own attitude towards my children. It helps to keep me in check and really pay attention to what is going on. It especially draws attention to children who have stopped being written about as much, a sure sign that something else is going on. 

12) Don't respond to every battle your children have with each other. When you do, use the word 'kind.'

Learning negotiation skills is important for children, and mediating every argument can be time sucking for you. Listen carefully and get to know where they are going wrong in negotiating and then work on that skill. Step in and help them to sort out the problem, rather than solving it for them. This may even mean saying "repeat after me: I didnt like it when you…." This doesn't happen every time around here, especially when we are out or have guests over (and a quick resolution is needed!) but it's the aim. 

At times it is absolutely necessary to step in and say "shoosh! Stop!" because it has gotten out of hand. I always lead in with "each person is going to have a say. If you interrupt, you will not get to have your turn." If one child has been mean, I try not to say "you have been mean" as it instantly invokes a defence response. Instead I ask "have you been kind?" This generally brings out the truth. It's easy for a child to try and prove that what they were doing/saying wasn't exactly mean, but a completely different thing to say it was kind. I then give the usual 'be kind to others' short lecture and always use this as my last line: if it's not kind, then it's not okay. Again, this is the aim. I'm still working at it.

11) Keep one area completely and utterly clean and clear. It helps with parental sanity.

Mine is my hall. I travel through it often, so knowing it is always clear (I'm constantly taking stuff out of it) helps me to breathe when all else seems out of control. The calm amongst the craziness. It's usually my starting place for cleaning too. It helps to have a starting place already decided when it all seems too much (like the big after-school-holidays-decontamination-clean.)

It can also be great for when you need a quick break. A clear space attracts children. The other day I found Lucy and Daisy were playing hot air balloons with pillowcases in the hall. At the time it was the only place left with lots of floor space!

10) Accept that sometimes grace is the only answer. For your child and for you.

One of my children had a really hard day a few days ago. I'm talking, a stamping the kitchen counters, stealing matches, lighting A FIRE, going into the front yard near the busy road, bad day. By the end of the day I was all out of suggestions with how to handle each new situation. So I just said nothing and gave him a hug. Because sometimes all we need is a hug when there are no more words. I am not perfect, and sometimes I will have a terrible day where I regret more than I smile when looking back. Kids do too. Here grace and a new fresh day, is the only answer. As it turns out, my husband informed me that the child in question was up for the day at about 5am, so he was not surprised at the day we had.

Trying to see the hidden awesomeness and applying grace, is so often the answer in my home. Not only for my children, but more often than not for me too.

9) Understand that consistency is not everything. 

When you are stuck in a pattern, but feel you are being consistent, consider that what you are doing could be wrong for your family. I've heard the 'they/I should just be more consistent' line too many times to count. I guess sometimes it must be true, but on the whole, not every idea or method is a good fit for everyone. We are all different! When I find myself at a place where I feel a bad pattern has emerged I say this line to myself out loud:

I can consistently do something that isn't right for us, and I will consistently get poor results.

It usually helps me to figure out what to do next, or at least give me the motivation to look at a circumstance through new eyes.

8) Never apologise to other people for the decisions you make about your children's welfare. Actually you don't need to say anything at all. 

This can be tricky, especially if your ideas aren't mainstream. You know your children best. Carefully consider all your options and make your own decisions. What works for one family or child is almost guaranteed not to work for another. Don't waste time wishing certain ideas would work with your children, instead use that time to investigate further based on what does.

A big thing I had to learn as a parent was that I didn't need to justify the decisions Craig and I had made, because I could choose to not talk about them at all when with people who were unsupportive. The good old smile-and-nod routine comes in handy here. The "that sounds like it works really well for your family," is also a great line to have at the ready, because it is completely true. There is no reason to add that it is not right for us, unless I am with close friends who would probably already know anyway.

7) Be okay with making unpopular rules. The buck stops with the parents.

Later on in life, the reality is that many of us will look back and judge ourselves on the decisions and rules we made or didn't make. When Craig and I make rules we deliberately think long term. We ask ourselves, and discuss, is the rule really necessary? Why? What could happen if we don't have this rule? What are the potential problems that could come about from having/not having this rule? We think about all this and then reach an agreed, firm, deliberate rule. Generally we are not flexible on these kind of 'big' rules. This works for us because we have so many children to consider. I imagine it would be very different if we had one child.

One unpopular rule we have is 'no sleepovers, except professional camps.' We thought long and hard about this one. Like all parents we don't want our kids to miss out on things, but we have five kids, and we are making rules that will last for all. Daisy is one and I don't know who her friends (or their parents and friends) will be when she is 3, let alone 13. Craig and I are aware of the statistics concerning child sexual assault. 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are victims of sexual assault before they are 15. More worrying is the fact that in most cases the perpetrator is a person who is not their caregiver, but is known to the child, and 94% of cases occur in a private dwelling. So in response to this information we created the no-sleepover rule based on safety reasons. So if there are sleep overs, our children attend until it's time for everyone to settle to sleep and then we pick them up. So far it hasn't been an issue, but I'm sure it is not the most popular rule we have. Some parents may even think we are overprotective or slightly crazy. It doesn't matter though, because they are not the parents of our children. Children and families are different and sometimes need different rules. One day, in the future, if my kids look back on their childhood, roll their eyes, and claim that the worst thing ever was that they couldn't go to a sleep over, I will smile. I know that there are many parents out their dealing with much worse childhood memories.

6) Change your mind if you want to. It's allowed.

Often it's hard to make decisions because we become afraid that we will be stuck with the decision. The truth is however, that changing your mind is allowed. I know that that sounds silly as I type it, but I know myself that although I would say 'absolutely' if asked if I can change my mind, the reality is, my actions often say otherwise. I have become stuck in patterns, until suddenly one day I have realised that I can change my mind and do things differently. It's rarely too late.

One big change-of-mind stands out for me. When Jack was 5 months old I woke up one morning, was watching something on TV, trying desperately to stay awake, and suddenly realised I could choose to parent the baby I was listening to cry (and not go to sleep) differently. I could choose to give up on our chosen method and find another. I could change my mind.

I often think about this when I feel stuck, with no way forward in one area. One definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.

5) Be honest with your kids when you have made a not-so-great-decision. But be firm on your new decision.

Difficult but necessary. Parents make mistakes. I definitely make mistakes. Regularly. When I make a decision in a rushed moment, I sometimes change my mind after a little time to think. I find the best thing to do in this situation is to simply be honest and explain why I have changed my mind. The hardest bit is then sticking to the new decision if the kids are not to happy about it!

4) Teach your children about safety.

Many people think that if they talk to children about certain things, it will make them worry. There is the misguided belief that if we ignore potential problems and issues, that we can keep our children innocent. Only, kids do worry, and they know a great deal more than we give them credit for. Children notice EVERYTHING. While our days are filled with an overwhelming amount of never-ending tasks and people needing us, children often have time to ponder, and take notice. They can tell when their parents and teachers are worried or not well. And they then worry too, sometimes more because there is less understanding about the concern.

I'm not saying delve into the nitty-gritty of all that can go wrong and warn them. I'm saying speak to children in short simple sentences, in plain factual words, about safety concerns.

Really think about the largest potential dangers that face your children, such as: drowning, house fires, car accidents, pedestrian accidents, dog bites, burns and scalds, falls, bike/skateboard injuries, battery related injuries, poisoning, and abuse. If you are parenting with a partner discuss how you are both going to talk about these safety concerns with your children. It is beneficial to be on the same page about your approach. Families are different, so how one family approaches these issues will be different to how another does.

There is so much I could write about how we approach safety, so I may write a specific piece in the future. For now, just remember: talking is better than not talking, the kids are probably drawing their own conclusions and worrying anyway.

3) Try to drop everything and go out to do something fun every now and then. The best things in life are free, and are often remembered and held most dear.

The beach is my family's favourite place as it is only about 10 minutes drive away. Often we will just go. No preparation or any of that: just get in the car and go. I remember many a time arriving back to the car with half soaked children, and they all lived, even without a change of clothes or a towel to speak of. I especially love when one of them pipes up now and then, and suddenly says "remember the time we…" It is almost always an unplanned spur-of-the-moment memory.

2) Find and build wonderful friendships, within which you can be completely honest.

We all have a variety of types of friendships. There is nothing wrong with this. Some people are completely open, honest and comfortable talking about everything, some like to (or decide to) keep to themselves. We are all different, and I love that! But no matter who you are, it's sometimes just nice to be heard. For someone to listen carefully and be honest right back. It's helpful to have someone who can listen without judgement and to say 'I'm here for you' when there is nothing more to say; especially when 'it'll be okay' isn't even possible.

On tough days, remember that there are other parents out there just like you, going through similar situations. We are all in it together. Successful and in-between days. Share it all.

More on friendship here.

1) When there are no more words: hugs. And stories.

Parenting can be the best thing ever! It can leave a person feeling deeper feelings than they have ever before experienced, more fun than ever before. But it can also leave you alone in the dark, desperate for sleep and just one good hour. One. Solid. Good. Hour. Some situations can leave parents praying for answers, and trying not to let the tears show, because they are just done.

Some days there comes a moment when I realise the day can not be saved. No amount of motivation or brilliant ideas found on Pinterest can turn it around. On those days I let it go. I let go of all the expectations and goals and dreams and wonderful things I had planned and hoped for. I stop fighting.

Instead I hug them. My little ones, who I would give anything to run from at that horrible moment. I hug them and breathe. And just wait. All moments pass, some just seems to be harder to get past when emotions are running high and there seems to be nowhere to go and nothing left to do. I decide to take out all the words. There is nothing left to say that will be of any benefit to anyone anyway. As I feel my heart rate return to normal, as our breathing settles and that little one leans into me, giving up on all the anger and all the I-know-best, I wait a moment longer. Then I turn and ask them to come and read for a while. It's a myth that children stop wanting to be read to once they are proficient readers. Often this is when they need it the most. As I read, snuggled in, often questions surface about the character/s that reflect truly what all the angst was about to begin with. It's never about what it's about, after all.

Hug. Breathe. Let it pass. Then read stories.

There are never enough hugs or stories.xx

All the shoulds. And learning to ignore them.

Today the 'shoulds' are being successfully ignored.

Craig has taken all the kids out for a little while this afternoon to scooter along the bike track near the beach. With the attitude a couple of the kids were displaying before he left, I thought he may just change his mind, but being Craig (the most patient man alive) he just shook his head and let me do the 'there is going to be one parent and 5 kids' speech, that I am such an expert at, followed up by encouraging motivation to do the right thing (don't listen= your day is officially over when you return= bed.) With them gone, standing in perfect silence, the 'shoulds' started to creep in.

Right now I should be doing so many other things. To start with I should be cleaning about a billion things. I should be sorting through the kids clothes and making a 'to buy' list. I should be starting to cook dinner. I should be trying to fix a couple of technical bits for my blog; but writing this is so much more fun. Funnily enough, tomorrow probably won't look that much different for me having sat here for a little while. So why do I always let the shoulds rule and bug me? The shoulds don't actually exist outside my head after all. Yet I always seem to give them so much power.

Have you ever noticed that kids don't use the word 'should' when referring to themselves? They use it about others. They definitely use it about parents. But rarely do I hear them using it about themselves. I, on the other hand, use the word 'should' all the time. Too much. Kids don't use it because they feel that it doesn't really apply to them. Whatever they are doing is completely fine with them. It's all about the moment. Now. Whatever is happening outside of that is completely irrelevant.

Imagine if all the shoulds disappeared and all that was left was the right nows. The house would be in complete chaos all the time instead of just half of the time, but I'd be so much more relaxed. For about a week perhaps, then I'd probably lose it.

I know at some point the shoulds all have to be dealt with. I know that. I know that I have to deal with the kids clothes situation, so that they actually have clothes that fit them in their wardrobes; although I am enjoying the comical morning 'so that doesn't fit you either' moments. But I figure, I will get that determined burst of enthusiasm at some point anyway, it is me after all. Restlessness will sink in soon enough. Craig hates school holidays because it usually means moving furniture, and I have my eye on the rug in the study. IKEA is not so far away and I do need a few more curtain clippy things for the curtains in the laundry;)

Right now however, I really just need a break. I need a break from the responsible-always-doing-the-shoulds-first mum I am, to regroup and face it all, all over again as I always do. I need a break.

So, to all those visiting over the next few days, or to those who have visited this holidays, sorry. The shoulds of vacuuming, brushing kids hair, cleaning EVERYTHING before visitors come, are officially on holidays too. Unless of course I get that determined I-need-to-do-this-now-at-11:15pm thing that I often get. Then I may well have cleaned, because I felt like it. Not because I felt I should.

To everyone else, who is - just like me - a little over all the shoulds, join me in taking a little break from them. Even if it's just long enough to have a cuppa. I will now move onto sewing some more of Daisy's gorgeous quilt; ignoring the crumbs beneath my feet.

Me:1, Shoulds:0

The hardest part of being a first-time parent. And why we joke about changing nappies instead.

The other day, while changing Daisy's nappy, Craig turned to me, sighed, and said, "imagine if changing nappies really was the hardest thing about parenting. How great would that be?!"

Imagine that.

Imagine if the hardest parts about parenting were the physical things. Imagine if being awesome at changing a baby, feeding a baby, or getting a baby to sleep, made parenting easy. Imagine. It's so not reality, but wow, I could claim success for one out five baby raising experiences. Instead there is that blurry, we-got-though-it-alive-and-everyone-seems-okay kind of half-success that I think most parents feel. I may be wrong. Maybe there are some super successful parents out there, but from all the parents I've spoken to, most seem to be firmly on my we-got-there-I-think team.

The truth is that all the things that are spoken about, when parenting babies comes up, do not even scratch the surface of the hard parts of parenting. I think that the reason for this is that it is so hard to put into words just what it is that makes it so difficult. And perhaps in some small way it's because it means showing that vulnerable part of ourselves, that is much easier to keep locked away. So we continue to joke about nappies and sleep and home made baby food. We insist that routines or cosleeping or white noise or the right wraps or rocking or dummies or WHATEVER we feel helped in the end, is right, because it is easier than admitting that it was difficult because of something that happened within us. We want so much to help others. To spare them from that altogether helpless, what-do-I-do-now, I-just-wasn't-made-for-this, feeling. We really do. But we can't.

I remember a long while ago sitting quietly in a group of mums, all giving advice to a soon-to-be first time mum. I listened to talk of lack of sleep, routines, eating right, breast feeding, bottle feeding, cloth nappies, disposable nappies and more. Later, I went up and spoke to the soon-to-be mum alone. And this is what I said.

Nothing that you have been told is the hard stuff. Not really. Sure it is not fun getting no sleep, but sometimes you do get sleep, but to be honest I don't think it would make the first time easier. Things don't always go to plan, but you will work out what's right for you and your baby. It's a journey and you will figure it out. That's not the hard part. The hard bit is the emotional part. And there is nothing anyone can say or do to prepare you. All I can say is that you will have a moment when you realise now and forevermore that for this little one, all the responsibility will end with you. Just know that everyone feels it. It's overwhelming, and you are not alone. You will get through it and find an amazing life together.

I left it at that, but it's really so much more.

In that first week of having a new little one, everything changes. And it's not just the no sleep, a brand new not-so-great-body, and pure problem-solving overload.

There is a moment when the word selfish just disappears from your vocabulary. I remember realising that now my life had ceased to be mine alone. I suddenly thought in absolutes, never before experienced. I knew with all that was in me, that I would give my life, if that's what it took. I would do anything, be anything, I needed to be, in order to be his mum. Mum. That moment when I finally knew what that word meant. The moment when the weight of responsibility entered my life, in a way that I knew would never again leave. To say it was overwhelming, seems too plain a statement. It was life changing.

The thing all new parents need to know, is that along with getting more used to changing nappies, and dealing with a lack of sleep, the emotional bit melts into you and feels more right as time goes on. It doesn't get easier, it changes you instead, to be the one that you need to be. It just takes time.

I clearly remember looking out the car window, the day Craig and I took Jack home. Everything felt new and huge. But one thing will forever stand out in my memory of that brief moment. The sky. It was as if I had never seen it before. The blue was a new colour blue. Maybe I'd just never really paid close attention before, I'm not sure, but it was a new sky, for a new life. The old was gone. It was time to tentatively take a step forward into the new.

I've felt that way on the drive home with each of my new babies. With each new child entering our family, the family changes. The new little one never just joined us. We became a new family all over again. And that is a wonderful, scary, overwhelming, miracle. Every. Single. Time.

So, when I chat to a new mum to be, I talk about all the regular things. I tell them to listen to all the advice and then go with whatever works, nothing is set in stone, there is no rod for your back, and the only thing that can be counted on with babies is change. But inside I'm thinking: you are about to see a new blue. The blue of a sky in a world that never existed in the before. You are about to become someone's mummy. It's wonderful and scary and completely overwhelming. And a miracle. Just be patient. The emotional, huge-responsibility part will slowly melt into you, until one day you look back and realise that you are so much more for having moved into the new world.

Sensory Processing Disorder. And more on avoiding meltdowns in children.

I will start by saying I am not an expert on sensory processing disorder. This is written from notes taken in response to a recent information session that took place in the Illawarra, reading books, and prior research done. If you have any concerns about your own child after reading this, you can contact an OT (Occupational Therapist) to discuss this further.

Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) can be defined as "the inability to use information received through the senses in order to function smoothly in daily life. SPD is not one specific disorder…..but rather an umbrella term to cover a variety of neurological disabilities." (p9, Out-of-sync Child, by Carol Stock Kranowitz)

Below is a diagram showing the Categories and Subtypes of SPD (p10, Out-of-sync Child, by Carol Stock Kranowitz)

Chances are, if you are reading this, you are already familiar with SPD. Perhaps you have a child or work with a child that has SPD. There are many people who don't believe it exists, but if you are personally familiar with a child who has it, and have seen results when strategies have been applied, then you are probably well aware that finding out can be an amazing step in the right direction. I was first introduced to SPD when I noticed differences in my middle child. I'm not big on comparisons but it's easy to notice when one child will not sit still easily, puts things in her mouth constantly and finds it really difficult to not touch and feel everything.

SPD in my family

Lucy is a child who craves sensory experiences. Looking back at her first three and a half years provides many answers as to why. Lucy was quite a challenging baby. To say that she cried, would be the understatement of the century. Like three of my other children she had reflux, which she was medicated for until the age of 3 1/2 years. But there was more to it. At 4 weeks old she began to sleep through the night. But this is not a normal or good thing, as she slept through due to the intense screaming through the day and evening. That and it was the only time of day I didn't have to force her to feed. I remember the day I had to give soy formula a trial. It was my worst day as a parent. Lucy drank 65mls all day, did not stop crying, and by evening was covered head to toe in a rash that had previously on been on part of her body. Craig worked a double shift and by 9:30pm all three children were screaming. To cut a long story short, Lucy was prescribed an elemental formula and things improved slightly. Months later, every trial of food led to rashes. She was intolerant to almost everything. At 7 months Lucy could tolerate one brand of rice cereal. But not rice itself. Then by 9 months pureed corn that had been boiled for three hours. By 1 1/2 years she could tolerate five foods, all cooked for such a long time that they were mush, which continued until she was three years. By three years the food challenges began to work and by 3 1/2 she could eat relatively normally. What I was unaware of at the time, was the lasting impact of these years. She missed a huge amount of the necessary sensory experiences that a normal toddler is exposed to.

For us finding out there are ways to help her has greatly reduced the frustration all round. It also changed our expectations in different situations, and gave us ways in which we could help her.

The SPD information session

I have been able to use strategies discovered through research in my work as a teacher as well. But nothing has helped as much as the information session I went to mid this year. It helped with Lucy, parenting in general, and definitely teaching. The presenters were great, but the guest speaker, who felt compelled to attend as she has just moved to our area and is now a local, was AMAZING. I plan to attend her internet inservice in October. As a teacher I feel it will be of great benefit.

I wrote about my big parenting breakthrough as a result of this information session, in How I learnt to be a better parent in one moment. And the results of putting one simple thing into practice. Remembering that children can hear what I think has also been a great help as a teacher. I won't repeat myself here, but this was an amazing lesson for me, and many other parents who have given me feedback since. I am genuinely shocked at the number of people with happy books now!

I touched on my views on tantrums and meltdowns in It's never really about what it's about. The main speaker at the information session helped to crystallise my own views in this area. She said that the question she was asked the most was how to stop tantrums and meltdowns. She said that you can't, which I completely agree with, and wrote about in the post above (there are more specifics later in this post.) I really loved the way she asked all the adults attending to imagine a certain situation, to help them understand exactly what's going on with a child when a meltdown is underway.

Imagine you are in peak hour traffic in the middle of Sydney, and you are lost. All the kids are complaining in the back of the car, you have an important event you are now late for, there is nowhere to pull over and collect your thoughts. Now imagine your partner sitting next to you telling you that you need to calm down, or yelling at you to do something else. Exactly how likely is it that you can do what they are telling you to do? At that moment the chemistry in your brain is such that the higher order thinking required to make a good decision is cut off. This is what it is like for children in that meltdown state.

For people (of any age) with SPD, things that would not even rate a mention for most people, grate on them to the point that they can not concentrate and can reach this meltdown state much sooner or due to things that others may think of as unreasonable. As an example, the presenters had been doing various things while one person spoke. I was completely unaware anything was happening. I did not hear the paper rustling, or the foot tapping of the other presenters. I was able to filter out all the unnecessary sounds and could completely concentrate on the presenter speaking. This would be like most children within a classroom. Someone in the crowd, unexpectantly put her hand up to interrupt, and asked if the tapping could be stopped because she just couldn't hear anything that had been said. A couple of others agreed. I had not even heard it! Others said that seeing the rustling paper out of the corner of their eye led to them not being able to concentrate either. This had been a perfect example of just one of the minor differences between those with SPD and those without. The sensory system just wasn't set up in a way to allow proper filtering, and as such small annoyances became large and the brain had responded allowing chemicals to be released into each persons system that prevented the higher order thinking required to attend to listening and remembering what had been said by the presenter.

As the response to the sensory input is a chemical one, what is needed is a chemical response, that cancels out the first one. The chemicals needed are dopamine and serotonin. These can be increased naturally through VOLUNTARY heavy work and movement. If it is enforced and is not fun it just doesn't produce the right chemistry. So it becomes a regulation issue.

As a society we are big on offering rewards to children to get things done. The problem is that for children with sensory issues, getting the work done, and avoiding meltdowns, is not a defiance issue. It is not that they don't want to work or pay attention, they just struggle to. It is not something that they can do all on their own, so offering all the rewards in the world is not going to help. What they need, is to be prepared to achieve. Their brains need the initial right chemistry to start with. It's all about momentum. If the chemistry is set up for a meltdown, it can easily continue to accumulate, then it can't be stopped: get out of the way. Heavy work and deep pressure, given in a fun way can be very effective at setting up the correct chemistry.

Engine Time/Sensory Gym

This is where we come to 'Engine Time' or a 'Sensory gym' for children with SPD. This is a complete reversal of what generally happens with children. The idea is to set children up for learning at the beginning of the day, rather than as a break partway through learning time. When I later thought about it, I found it amusing that there are so many adults who start their days with a run, a workout, or some kind of physical activity, but this is not really a common thing among children, who are then expected to sit at desks, with minimal activity, for two straight hours.

The presenters explained how it worked within each of their classrooms. This is a general overview.

First fast, more active, activities are set up around the room like a continuous circuit to music (upbeat.) The circuit should aim as much as possible to get the child's feet off the floor (which helps a person use their diaphragm correctly to breathe, aiding the acquisition of the desired brain chemistry), so crawling along or under, or climbing over, activities are great. Examples would be crawling through fabric tunnels, crawling under desks, crawling along air mattresses or quilt covers filled with foam pieces, climbing over air cushions, climbing over low desks, rolling over big balls such as exercise balls, and carrying heavy things such as weight balls, crates with books in them from one place to another, or around a cone, back to the original place.

After about 15 minutes, the idea is to move towards calm with a bubble blowing/balloon blowing time. Their are special tools that can be bought also that have little cars that race along a track as the end is blown. Another idea is to blow a ping pong ball around a container, using a straw. This is a time when the child is stationary, and the music playing in the background is slowing down.

After a few minutes the children lay down on the floor, back facing up, as the music slows once again. An exercise ball is then rolled over the backs of the children. This pressure is the final step, before calmly moving onto learning. For children with SPD this is a great circuit that can be modified and done at home, before school. I personally have begun to think about how I could modify this for home use, using our downstairs playroom, where we have the space available. Lucy loves the weight ball I recently bought at Big W, and she has a large ball that she rolls on often after coming home from school.

Outcomes

The presenters, teachers from four different schools, were so amazed at student outcomes following the implementation of 'Engine Time' that they felt compelled to give this free presentation. They each spoke about the differences they had observed. One that I noted down was a student who was originally being 'rewarded' for each compete sentence, taking 30 minutes of extremely difficult redirection, to being able to sit for 45 minutes happily, writing 5 complete sentences in a row. It was believed that the student in question would never be capable of this. As it turned out, the chemistry that was present was acting as a block and he was unable to access the higher order thinking needed.

They also spoke to improvements in fine motor skills and behaviour. All believed improvements across the board could be seen in about two weeks. Some students how ever reacted poorly to begin with before improving. This was thought to be due to the sensory system having shut down. It needed to be 'woken up' first.

The guest speaker noted that she has seen children start to make speech sounds, where parents were told that their child would never be able to talk at all and other amazing individual outcomes. She has implemented programs through many schools overseas, including large private schools in America, where outcomes have included lower anxiety levels among the student body, where the program has been implemented across the board.

The outcome that I have definitely seen, along with the presenters, is a difference in my own attitudes and responses. One presenter spoke of behaviours like lethargy in class, students saying everything is too hard, and students biting and playing with things etc. are now viewed in an entirely new way. It has helped me personally to see each behaviour as an indicator, in much the same way as I have with my younger children in the past. I now try to see through the behaviours to the core and the cause of the issue, rather than simply feeling I need to fix a behaviour or stop it. There seems to be greater success in this. Not to mention closer relationships, which in themselves produce a more positive environment both in the home and at school.

More on meltdowns

Avoiding meltdowns:

- Aim to always validate and empower children. This is not the same thing as always giving them their own way. It's about acknowledging that the child has a view and empathising that it is difficult when we don't get what we want or can't have everything our own way. This is difficult to deal with even as an adult! It is always nice to be able to talk to someone about things when they are not going well and have someone nod along and say that it is difficult. It's just nice to be heard. Situations don't always need to be fixed. For example: "It's really hard when we want to watch TV but it's not TV time, let's go and check outside to see if there are any birds on the clothesline."

- Offer choice. BUT never offer any choice that can not be followed through with.

- Don't use the word 'but' in a response when a meltdown is brewing. EVER. Use the word 'and' instead, even if it is not grammatically correct. Trust me when I say this is a difficult thing to get used to. I was so very unaware of how often I said 'but' in a day. For example "I know it's really hard to get ready to pick the kids up from school when we are playing, and we are walking out in about two minutes so we need shoes on."

- Waiting. Yep, good old patience. I find this hard, because I want my children to listen and do NOW. But it can take some children a long time to process information, so only a small amount of information needs to be given at once. Say each direction once- quietly- even whisper. Pause and wait. Then give another direction. Repeat. Try not to say things over and over. I am definitely guilty of the adults-who-talk-too-much syndrome! Especially in the last half an hour when my children are getting ready for school. I'm working on this.

- Don't feel the need to get to the bottom of everything. There is no bottom; the brain is like the google search engine. Sometimes it's best to just move on and go with what's working.

- Remember that children hear what you think, not always what you say, and this becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Read more on what to do about this here.

- Never ask a question that you can not 100% accept the answer to. For example if I was to ask "can you go and get ready for school?" it can be answered with "no," and I would have to be okay with this as I asked the question. Instead I need to phrase it as a direction.

Too late? A meltdown is underway. What to do next:

- Don't act. Someone else can not stop it. Let it run it's course.

- Scan the environment to make sure the child and other bystanders are safe.

- Take all the words out! In other words: don't speak. Adults often feel compelled to do something, but this only makes meltdowns escalate. This is yet another opportunity I find that helps me to learn patience.

- As the child calms down, come back in with the simple phrase "what is it that you wanted." This is not saying you will give it to the them, just an acknowledgement of their point of view, and an opportunity to move on. "And now it is time to go and find a tissue."

- A great way to move on is start with "It is time…" then offer a choice, but pretend to not want them to pick one of the choices, which of course they then will!

Other ideas for people with SPD

Other ideas mentioned specifically for children with SPD are probably already familiar to those who know about SPD, but I will repeat them just in case.

Activities where children need to hang from their hands, without touching the ground with their feet, are great. Monkey bars are great.

Weighted lap blankets are good for times when a child with SPD needs to be sitting and concentrating. I made one for Lucy from a jumbo cord fabric for school.

Fiddle toys, blu tac and velcro stuck under the table are also options available to help children with SPD concentrate.

For children with SPD struggling to learn sight words etc, rather than just running through the words on card, hide the cards in a container of rice or spiral pasta.

Some children like to listen to music, via an iPod, while they are working. Calm, instrumental, music can sometimes help to drown out distractions. The iPod shuffle is a great option. We are considering this for Lucy.

Make sure that all items used are referred to as 'tools'. They are not toys. Tools are used to help with focus, and avoid meltdowns, and are needed for learning.

Try to integrate tools and activities throughout the day to maintain the right brain chemistry. The 'Engine Time' mentioned above lasts generally for half the school day.

Find some fun sensory activities for around the home. We have a rock and sand pit, that is loved by all 5 of our children. Peeling vegetables or cutting paper provides the 'feedback' that some children with SPD like. Lucy likes the feeling of colouring in, especially with scented pens or pencils. We have both Smiggle scented pens and Smencils (scented pencils) for her. The trampoline can be great, especially straight after school, but a transition activity is needed following, to calm down, such as bubble blowing, blowing up balloons, or rolling on an exercise/large ball. Pillow fights or climbing over a pillow 'track' can be great too.

Core disks or exercise balls can be great to sit on when sitting still is a challenge.

As light touch usually leads to a meltdown about an hour and a half later, this should be avoided with kids with SPD. As should touch that has come as a surprise, like a touch on the shoulder as someone passes from behind the child.

When sleep is an issue, try deep pressure, as in massage. Some children need to be hugged tightly, or will squeeze their own limbs. Many children love 'rumbling' (especially with dads!) before bed. Again, aim for feet off the floor, perhaps using lounge cushions, but at least an hour before bed. The hour before bed should ideally be in bed. I have recently been reading into the importance of this 'slush hour' in 'Nutureshock: why everything we thought about children is wrong' by A. Merryman and P. Bronson. Our bedtime routine is something that I am looking to tweak in our house over the holidays for the coming term.

And lastly, from me

Speaking from my very own point of view, as with many things it comes down to difference. I believe we are all made different on purpose. I don't think it's a mistake that we all have different needs and parents and teachers are challenged to meet all the different needs of children. I have seen in my own life how the challenges that are presented to me have helped me to grow as a person. Compassion. Appreciation. Gentleness. And above all I have continually been humbled and learned to be more patient and understanding. I'm not all the way there yet. I never will be. This life I have been given, is a forever learning experience and I am altogether thankful for the difference that is constantly before me, challenging me to do better. To be better. We aren't all the same. We aren't meant to be. And I wouldn't have it any other way.


For further information:

My Pinterest board on SPD.

I highly recommend the book "Out-of-sync Child" by Carol Stock Kranowitz, MA. I bought it through Amazon and I am currently reading it.

Hidden awesomeness. And when the caffeine to lack of sleep ratio is not quite right.

Sometimes I have days where I'd really like a do-over. A chance to just say, look, my caffeine to lack of sleep ratio was off today, let's do that again with a few extra cups of tea.

And I'll just keep my mouth shut.

Anyone else ever feel that way? Today was that day for me.

Craig has just finished a fortnight of nightshifts. It has almost killed me. You see my three gorgeous little girls don't sleep properly when daddy is not home. There is a wake-mummy-up schedule that comes into effect from the first night shift. I sometimes wish I could sync this schedule with the calendar on my phone so I'm aware well in advance just how tired and cranky I will be at any given point. For example: "no I won't be coming over Tuesday because Monday night is a 3 hrs of broken sleep night. What about Friday? I'm having a whole four hours sleep in a row the night before!" 

So at the end of this fortnight, caffeine is important. Today I obviously didn't get enough of it, and it became yet another in-between day.

As with most times like this, I mentally reprimanded my self, and did the 'how would I do the day differently' rollover in my mind, until I came to thinking about my children. I thought about that moment when they have been really naughty, I'm talking I-can't-even-speak-right-now naughty, and then I look at them. And even though I want to scream or walk out, I can always see just a tiny bit of their awesomeness shining through.

It's in that moment that I can take a deep breath, and often chose grace. 

Well maybe it's like that for grown ups too. Maybe even when we have not been the person we aspire to be and we'd rather hit the reset button for the day, there is still a little bit of awesomeness there. It's just hidden.

It's so much easier to focus on the things I didn't get quite right today. It's easy for me to overlook all the good. 

Tonight I stopped and took a photo of my favourite tree as I got out of the car. I just stood there in the middle of my drive way smelling the sweet air, being thankful for the simple. I walked through the door to the sounds of children complaining and Daisy crying, and I didn't lose it. I calmly picked Daisy up, rubbing her back as I sorted out the lastest dramas with the others. I sighed as Craig told me he had just burnt dinner and turned to the kids and announced 'Henry's choice' (always cereal) for dinner. When a couple complained rather than getting cross, I said that I guess I could allow toast as an alternative, and even gave in to those wanting vegemite AND peanut butter, resulting in smiles all round. Then I left, tired, hungry and desperate to sit down, to get groceries. And I didn't even buy chocolate. Not one bit.

Sometimes the good is in the not. Not doing, being patient, and just quietly going about the regular, can be the hidden awesomeness in my day. Perfect is not possible. And it is certainly not real. Maybe taking a brief moment to see my own hidden awesomeness can allow me time to take a breath and encourage myself to accept grace too.

So instead of sitting here revisiting my mistakes I choose to not. I choose to move on and not make the same mistakes again. I choose grace.

As my thoughts turn to my own peanut butter on toast for dinner, with a dessert of hot chocolate and folding washing, I wonder how often the other mums I know feel the same way. How often do we all dish out grace to the others in our lives, but forget it's there for ourselves too? My guess would be far too often. We criticise our own choices, analyse our faults, try to be the perfect mum we can never be. In all the trying and failing, we must not forget that grace belongs to us too. And make sure we do the moving on bit properly, instead of revisiting the mistakes over and over, continuing the punishment. 

One of my favourite lines from a movie is, "tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it." I for one am glad that this is true. It's true for all of us.

So I encourage all who can see their faults, are focusing on mistakes, and shaking their heads at a one-step-forward-two-steps-back day: see your hidden awesomeness long enough to take a breath. Choose grace. And face a new day with a smile, because there are no mistakes in it. What a gift.

It's never really about what it's about. Understanding and avoiding: mummy meltdowns and toddler tantrums.

If there is one thing that I've discovered as a parent, that applies to people on the whole, it's that: it's never about what it's about.

Remember a time when someone completely lost it. Maybe it was a toddler, a partner or even a workmate or boss. Think about what was going on, and why that person was upset. Now realise that that was not what they were really upset about. Not completely. You see we all have stuff. Things that are going on behind the scenes, the undercurrents or our lives, things that we just don't talk about or sometimes even recognise ourselves. That is what meltdowns and tantrums are really about.

It's like that line that seems to keep coming up on FB:

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind.

I love it, because it's so true. We all know it to be true because we can see it in ourselves. Other people just don't know what is truly going on in our lives. Not entirely anyway.

We hide stuff, pretend it's not there, don't feel the need to talk about it or worry someone, because hey, it's not as bad as the stuff such-and-such is going through, time to just toughen up and deal. There are big dreams that cause frustration because we feel they may never be. There is discord between people that is never addressed or spoken about, instead ignored or just accepted to be 'the way it is.' Then there is the stuff that we shrug our shoulders at and say, "that's life" and try so hard to be okay with, or decide it doesn't matter, because there is nothing we can do but pray about it. We pretend it doesn't bother us. But deep down it does, even when we smile, try to be positive, pray, and wait. It's still there.

And then a difficult situation strikes and BAM: higher order thinking leaves the building. Later we look back and reflect that the situation really wasn't that bad after all, and sometimes are even hard on ourselves that we just couldn't keep it together. We focus in on the result. We make decisions to keep our calm, not yell, count to 10, breathe deeply, and pray before acting. But we end up right back in the same situation again and again, because when it comes down to it, it wasn't really about what it was about. It's about all the other stuff lurking in the background.

Toddler tantrums are a result of this too. It's never the last 'no' that really causes the tantrum. It's the learning of ALL the nos and yeses and in-betweens-that-make-no-sense! that lead to that overwhelming feeling. It can be all too much for a little one, and as much as they try to communicate, noone really understands. Add in a bit of tired, overstimulated, and/or hungry and a tantrum is bound to occur. The tantrum isn't about the 'no' to a packet of chips or another trip out to the back yard. It's about the huge ALL of everything going on in their swiftly developing brains.

The very best advice I've heard for dealing with tantrums and meltdowns in toddlers and children is to not deal with them. If it has reached the stage of a meltdown or tantrum it is far too late. There is nothing you can do but make sure the child and everyone around is safe, then wait. Once the child starts to come back to the real world approach, and ask "what did you want?" This is not saying it was okay or anything like that. This is not the time to discuss it. The child needs to move on. Asking the question lets them have a say. No acknowledgement needs to happen in response, rather move on with a phrase like "let's go and get a drink" or "let's see where the tissues are." Later on when everything has returned to normal, it's time to revisit and discuss what was really behind the meltdown. What is going on at school/preschool? Is there something the child is afraid of? Was it too loud for the child? Etc.

If the child is too young to revisit and discuss the tantrum, then they are also too young to be avoiding a tantrum. I see that as my job then to decide what had happened in the day leading up to the tantrum. I think about everything from tiredness, overstimulation, learning leaps, new encounters, food, scary situations, etc. Then plan the next day taking this into account. It can be a bit hit and miss sometimes. If they are missing language, I teach signs so they can get their point across easily and I always acknowledge the signs. If hitting or biting occurs, then I start my teaching on gentleness. Three of my five have needed this. Daisy for example started pulling my hair when she would get upset. If she pulled my hair I would say 'no' and then used her hand to pat my hair saying gentle. I would practice 'gentle' with her in many situations throughout the day, everyday. It only took a little while before I could say "gentle" and she would pat rather than pull, but I was still aware that she was beginning to get upset, and make necessary changes accordingly. She still has tantrums, because our life doesn't revolve around her, but they are minimised. Even the older kids are being trained to "listen to what she is saying." They need to know when she is making her cranky noises it is time to back off.

The hardest thing is that all the learning takes time. Though, when I think about it, I can't really complain, because I'm not perfect either. The whole learning patience thing is still a lesson I can't seem to learn! And I very much doubt I'll ever really grasp that I am not in control of everything.

So today, faced with cleaning the house for a group of other mums tonight, I felt overwhelmed. Even though to be honest the house wasn't looking that bad. Because when it came down to it, it wasn't about what it was about. My overwhelmed feeling had nothing to do with the house, instead it was about a million other things that are going on behind the scenes that I am handling. Things that I am struggling with and in many cases can do nothing about. Nothing huge. Nothing life threatening. But things circling in the background with no resolution or situations which I wish I had the proper time and energy they deserve to be dealt with.

I know many other mums feel this way too. It brings me comfort to know there are others right where I am now, facing the same challenges.

So instead of heading dangerously towards losing it I did what I do to deal with all those feelings and situations and dreams that I can not do anything about right now. I wrote. I wrote in my journal and I wrote here. It's my way of avoiding a mummy meltdown. Other people have other ways, but this works for me. Talkng also helps, but the timing isn't always practical and sometimes I'm just not ready to say some things out loud.

Tonight I will be having a group of mums from church over. One thing that we will definitely be doing is talking about what it is really about. We will be sharing on all the little challenges we are facing, just to have someone listen and nod along, and encourage each other. And I've decided to leave all the washing on the washing lounge. And my sewing machine is staying on the dining room table. It is my gift to them. I'm letting them see how I really live- the real me. The real me is sooo much more fun than the fake me. She is also less tired, so can listen all the more.

How do you avoid mummy meltdowns? We are all different, so what works for me may not work for others. It would be great if you could pass on your tips to someone who may be very much in need of them, right at this moment.

If you are the one who needs the help; if you are done read this: You already are. And when the surface fades away. The following is a repeat of the end of this post. I needed to read it today. To remember.

'…...So. To you, if you think you are done. If you think you are failing. Maybe talk to a friend. Tell someone and let them tell you how awesome you are. But just in case you are not quite ready to let someone past your 'I'm fine' face:

You are amazing, brave and strong. Be kind to yourself. Just. Keep. Going. You may think that you can't. But:

You already are.

To those who are not struggling right now. Maybe take the time to chat to someone. Encourage someone, whether they need it or not. We all need it. Be honest and open. Let's go beyond all the grand successes and talk instead about failures. And more importantly the overcoming of them. We need to let the I-just-can'ts meet with the I've-been-there-toos hope. Because it's all about being heard and understood. This is the moment in a relationship where the surface fades away. And true friendship begins…..'

The Spring Fair 2014. Fun and exhaustion.

The Spring Fair had come around once again. My children love it and look forward to it each year. This year I had to go it alone with all five, which I must admit was a bit daunting. Big crowds in places that the kids are not entirely familiar with always worries me a little. It's easy for a child to get drawn away for a second and get lost in a crowd.

So to start the day I used the usual phone number trick. That's right, I use permanent marker to write my mobile number on each child's arm. They have all been trained to go to the nearest retail outlet/shop and ask to call me. I have also answered the various 100 or so associated what if questions too. Therefore this step was rather easy today.

The 50+ minute drive there went by uneventfully, Daisy sleeping part of it, the others content to listen to music or do activities they had brought with them.

Once there, we started with rides. Just one each this time. We have bought armbands in the past but it's hard to manage with only one parent and 4 children wanting different rides. I figured we were in Queensland in the last school holidays so they have had plenty of rides recently.

Next the kids had a turn at one of the games, a dart throwing game. Jack won a whoopee cushion. He loved it.

We ate the usual sausage sandwiches, as well as the sandwiches I brought with me just in case. Next we moved on to visiting the animals, but ended up distracted by a baby crocodile on the way. My three eldest loved patting the croc, having done this earlier in the year.

The kids loved all of the animals, except my one animal avoider. She stood back trying to convince herself to like them, but did end up holding a chick. One step forward.

We then moved on to more food, and then shopping. I told them all they could choose to buy one thing within reason. Jack required a bit of negotiation, but Henry just chose the same thing as Jack. The girls spent what seemed like half an hour choosing one piece of $1 jewellery each, but they were entirely happy. No one was happy that I refused to buy something for Daisy.

We bought some beautiful looking cupcakes for afternoon tea with Daddy, and began making our way out. Over the day many friends got to meet the children they had only ever heard me speak about.

On our way out we visited the classic cars and then emergency vehicles display. Each child was able to sit in a police car (hopefully for the only time!) The walk back to the car seemed long, and all were glad when we made it there.

The drive home was extremely peaceful. Isabel asked one question. That's it! Most of the kids slept.

On returning home everyone was energised and ready to play after their rest. Except for me that is! I took the now wetter washing off the clothes line and put it in the dryer. After setting up two children to work on school projects, and tidying up, I found a few moments to have a cuppa and one of the cute little cakes we bought.

What a lovely, exhausting day. Hope you had a great Saturday too.x