Like many other mums I am an expert at the 'everything's FINE face.' With five children, who were mostly difficult babies, it was a matter of survival. I never wanted to feel like I couldn't 'cope.' For me I felt like I had everything under control if I could be dressed, with makeup and hair done in under five minutes. I had become a master at accomplishing this while Craig was at work. Although this required yelling things while I brushed my hair like "I expect matching shoes, that are for the current season, on in two minutes," and "if you make Daisy cry, you are in BIG trouble." I have to give the kids credit; for the most part we all made believe that this actually made some sort of a difference to the level of lateness we achieved. I added a smile, after repeated instructions to perfectly dressed children and we are ready to go. No looking back at the mess that lay behind us. We made it to the car. We were all ready. I could smile. I could cope. I could always get it together and cope. In public, for a couple of hours at a time, at least.
Well, with Daisy six months old, this me had gone. The everything-is-fine face was crumbling. I. Was. Done. DONE.
That night I sat there, waffles and chocolate before me, frankly just happy to be eating something, and I poured my heart out. My friend listened. I complained that it was impossible! How could one person be responsible for five children all the time without a break?! I was living on caffeine and sugar. Craig was always at work! I couldn't seem to recover from my surgery. Everything was slipping though the cracks! Everything. No one was getting what they needed and I was never going to sleep again. Never. Ever. EVER. And I would never get it together enough to cook the real food that my children should have. And how could I live with knowing I wasn't giving my children what they needed; what they deserved? She listened. And nodded. And let me rave on. Ridiculously.
So I told her, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I couldn't be a mum to five kids. I was completely the wrong person for the job.
And then she spoke. And said a great deal. But this is what I heard.
"You already are."
And I continued. I told her that she didn't understand! I was failing! I just couldn't do it!
She told me again, "you already are."
We talked for a long time that night and there was a lot more that was added to these important words. I don't think I've ever needed to talk more. But it wasn't until the next day that I really got it.
I was already a mum to five gorgeous, wonderful, happy children. I already was.
How I felt wasn't going to change anything. Maybe I couldn't be and do everything I had done with four, but that didn't mean I was failing. It meant that my perspective was wrong. The problem was with me (I so hate that feeling!!) and the choices I was making. I was trying to be the parent I was with two, but with five.
I was looking though glasses of unrealistic expectations.
Something had to change. I needed to move on and into this new season, no matter how challenging I found it. It was time to reevaluate priorities, look at wasn't working and cut the non critical things out. To let go of the idea of the me-that-would-never-be-again. To give myself a break. To take a deep breathe in and take a step into the new. And to try to set some more realistic expectations for the mum-of-5 I already was.
And then my amazing friend brought me food. Lots of food! Dinners I could freeze and reheat to give the cuties when Craig was on afternoon shift (my nemesis.) I cried. And got up and went on. I was going to make it. Success or failure. Expectations met or unmet. Sleep or no sleep.
Looking back I learnt a lot though that time. Sometimes things need to be broken, to then be made bigger and better. I can see that now. But back then it was too hard.
Sometimes all we need is a friend. Someone to bring us food and tell us we are strong enough, brave enough, or amazing enough to do whatever it is that we need to do. Because we already are.
So. To you, if you think you are done. If you think you are failing. Maybe talk to a friend. Tell someone and let them tell you how awesome you are. But just in case you are not quite ready to let someone past your 'I'm fine' face:
You are amazing, brave and strong. Be kind to yourself. Just. Keep. Going. You may think that you can't. But:
You already are.
To those who are not struggling right now. Maybe take the time to chat to someone. Encourage someone, whether they need it or not. We all need it. Be honest and open. Let's go beyond all the grand successes and talk instead about failures. And more importantly the overcoming of them. We need to let the I-just-can'ts meet with the I've-been-there-toos hope. Because it's all about being heard and understood. This is the moment in a relationship where the surface fades away. And true friendship begins.
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