I will share the wonder and fun of our trip in a future post, along with all the amazing photos. For now however I want, no need, to share something small. Something small that is part of a greater journey that has taken place over the past year.
I started writing for this blog almost a year ago, and it is no surprise that it's title is really the start of a journey that I am still very much on. Nothing is learnt all at once. Lessons tie into one another to reveal a greater, and deeper, understanding that is needed. What we learn is individual. My lessons may be familiar to others, or even revelations for others, but our journeys are our own. It has been a privilege to share mine.
Living future memories. Holding onto - noticing - the moments I live everyday that are precious and valuable and are really the all that makes up the life I lead. Deciding to not just wait for the big things. THIS brings me to discoveries over the past couple of weeks and especially on our trip away.
You see for much of my life I have hated travelling. Hated. Like the idea of being stuck in the car is equal to the idea of eating peas. And I hate peas, no matter how much my children try to win me to team 'yay peas!' As a child we travelled by car all over, and often. As I didn't like it, I was all about focusing on first packing and getting ready at 'point A' (I am naturally really organised), and then being at 'point B'. The in-between was something I endured. I suffered. I hated. It was a complete inconvenience.
And the thing is, this journey I have been on, has been about realising that for much of my life I lived the same way.
That is really hard to admit.
I am all about hard work and getting things done. I can organise just about anything. I am careful not to miss details and can have laser focus. All. The. Time.
And this is great when finishing a degree and getting married the same year, completely gutting a house and renovating it with a small child to care for, teaching part time and raising one, two, three, four, and then five kids with often no more than six weeks off. It was great. I was made for it. I was built to survive it.
Only surviving isn't all.
It isn't.
The moments I've been given are to enjoy too.
But this was never my priority.
I was too busy focused on 'point A' planning or making it to 'point B', where I finally allowed myself to enjoy the moment.
While I was in the in-between, I struggled. I worked. I did all-the-things. I cried. I often felt a failure. And I criticised myself for either taking too long to get to 'point B' or not planning well enough at 'point A'. Of course there was laughing and happiness in there too, but I noticed it less than I now know I could have, because my focus on enjoyment.
We all make choices. My past shows mine, and I own them. I'm not really sure had I known what I know now that it would have been any better. Because in truth, those 11 years of having babies (4 of whom were incredibly difficult) almost killed me. I think surviving that time still sane with good memories mixed in there is my greatest accomplishment, because 'hard' is just not a strong enough word to describe my struggle through that time.
Perhaps I needed to be who I was to make it through, and be what they needed. Maybe I needed to be focused on only on 'point A' and 'point B' so I didn't get lost and drown. I'm not sure.
But in going away I realised I am no longer there.
My life has changed so much over the past year. I have four at school and a usually-easy toddler at home. I still love my job and am more than grateful that I kept up with it no matter how many tears were shed on that trip to and from work when I had babies waiting at home. I am loving writing, creating, connecting, taking photos, and so much more.
Most of all, I am happy to be finally living at 'A' point 5. Or maybe 'A' point 3. I don't really know where I am between point A and B, and I'm actually okay with that, because for the first time I am not just working hard and struggling, future focused, strategic plans always on my mind.
I am simply happy to look around where I am and just be. Be happy, be with my beloved & cuties, see the world as it really is, and enjoy the moments that indeed will be the memories I will look back in the future with a warm smile on my lips.
Sometimes it takes going away to realise a lesson has been learnt. Sometimes it takes looking out the window of the car and smiling at the beauty of an often traveled road, knowing I am really only seeing it for the first time, to know that a change has taken place. Sometimes a simple change, like noticing that time, for the first time, ceases to matter, whist valuing each view, each moment, is enough to help me reflect on who I have become.
For now, as I sit here, a mixture of smiles and sadness are found as I write. Moving on always has this affect on me.
But I do know, no matter what is ahead, the lessons of the past year have come together and made me who I need to be going forward.
Someone grateful for the small moments.
Someone happy to see the good mixed in with the bad and in-between.
Someone who doesn't clearly see 'point B' anymore.
And someone who will make the most of all the moments I am given.
After all, this one life I have been given is just too precious to waste.
Jen.x
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