All the things I wish we'd said. A quilt story.

The following post is written by an amazing friend. She is a fellow creative, teacher, mother, and all round wise person, whose advice I always value. She is also the first person to write for this blog other than me. I am very excited to be sharing this with you! It is part 'how-to', part explaining why she made the quilt, and part advice on where to find information on Dementia. Warning: you may need tissues. And how beautiful is the quilt?!! Love it.

I was adamant that I would NEVER start quilting, after some average attempts to make my kids a baby quilt each. Those quilts took years to make and a whole lot of work! Combine that with my difficulties with straight lines (cutting, sewing …) it all seemed like it was just not the thing for me.

But a friend, Kate, convinced me to go along with her to the Wollongong Modern Quilt Guild just to check it out.



Despite my determination, I was won over from that first meeting. Modern quilting is so fresh, and different from my preconceptions of quilting and quilt design. I’ve also discovered the fabulousness of purchasing pre-cut fabrics – the cutting is largely done for you, or at least it’s done to a point where your cutting is easier to get right.

After finishing some small learning projects, I wanted to make a quilt. A real quilt.

I had been pondering making a quilt for my mum. She is in the end stages of dementia and is in a nursing home now. After some bad news about her condition I decided it was now an urgent project with a deadline! There is nothing much I can do for her now. She can’t understand what I’d like to say to her, and I can’t ask her about her stories, the mothering stories (which are also my stories), I’ve never heard. I have so much sadness for the conversations we never had, and now can never have. And so many things I wish I could say sorry for. I figured I could make her a quilt to keep her warm, and which she can hold on to. Maybe I have been making it for me. For therapy.

I wanted to use colours that mum loves. So I chose the colours of peacocks: blues, turquoise, teal. Mum never liked much perfume, but she did love lavender. So this set, a Kate Spain set called “Horizons” was perfect. I bought it from Retro Mummy. It’s this series here. It reminds me of Spanish tiles influenced by the Moorish occupation. Loved these designs when I travelled there many years ago.

I started with a layer cake – which is a set of precut 10.5” squares - it has all the designs from a range of fabric, in this case Kate Spain for Moda.

I got inspiration from a magazine I have from Missouri Star Quilt Company. The Summer edition that I was inspired by is no longer available, photo here. But you can purchase online here. I paid a fortune to get this shipped to Australia, but now they have a digital edition! Woohoo!

More importantly, I had the help of Gary at the WMQG. And also the process of talking through my ideas with my friend Kate. I walked in late to a Sit & Sew day, pulled out the fabric and said “I want to make a quick quilt” – a challenging aim, given how slow I am at getting things done.

I learned so much as Gary talked me through colour theory & balance in the quilt – we shared out the fabrics into heavy & light – and then laid them out in an alternating pattern, with the lighter colours at the corners, and heavier interspersed. He encouraged me to just do random cuts, but I was too scared to do that! So I went for a straight cut on every second square using a rough rule of thirds with the layout. I think this has been a great choice for this fabric. The cut squares were then pieced back together with cream 2.5” strips forming a cross through the fabric. I originally intended to trim these squares back down to 10.5” to match the uncut squares, but then decided that I wanted the relief of cream between the patterns to frame the fabric. So I added a 1” strip (1/2 inch after seam allowances were taken out) so that all the squares were now 10.5”.

I pieced the squares together using an attempt at a ‘nesting’ technique to get them all lined up properly. It worked fairly well!

Then for the actual quilting I did ‘stitch in the ditch” for the crosses, and decided on a diagonal cross for the plain squares, which echoed some of the design elements in the fabric, and kept the quilt nice and simple. I’ve been teaching myself Free Motion Quilting lately, but I’m still a total novice, and I knew it would take heaps longer to get the quilt finished.

Last was batting and layering – I found a beautiful turquoise wide quilt backing fabric at spotlight, that echoed the Moorish tile idea of the fabric beautifully, and fit with my theme of peacock colours. My only regret? I should have pre-washed it, as the colour came off on my fingers as I sewed the binding, which foreboded the colour running!!! Despite setting the colour in cold water & salt and then using Colour Catchers in the wash, there was still a little colour run along the stitching, but probably I’m the only one who will notice it. I was in a hurry to get the quilt done, but next time I will pre-wash vivid colours!

I did a narrow binding so it wouldn’t detract from the pattern of the squares. I used the same fabric as the backing. I’m not sure I would do that if I were to do it again, but it is a lovely fabric. I’m not great at binding yet, but am starting to appreciate enjoying the process of steadily, rhythmically working along. (A nice change from my usual task oriented self). I think quilting is introducing me to the idea that it’s ok to have tasks that go on for a long time. There’s an enjoyment in having something to keep my hands busy and to bless others with.

I have been surprised how quickly the quilt has come together – with intensive work at any available moment, and to the detriment of the state of the house! (and the children).

I’m a great booklover like Jen, so I also wanted to share some books with you if you are traveling the hard path of dementia with a loved one. The most useful book for me has been “The Australian Ageing Generation Handbook” by Josie Gagliano.

She has been interviewed both on Hope 1032 and by Tony Delroy on 702 Radio – both interviews are well worth listening too, but if you can only listen to one, choose the Tony Delroy podcast. I raced out to buy the book, and wish I’d found it several years ago. It was great to know where to find help, as well as have my experiences affirmed.

The other wonderful book is called “When I see Grandma” by Debra Tidball. I collect picture books – and love those which help children deal with issues they face. You can purchase it online here.

It is so beautifully written for children who have a loved one in the end stages of Dementia. The ending is cleverly constructed so that there are no words on the final illustration. It allows you to explain death when you need to (without talking about it before you do!). I have to admit I have cried when talking about it with my children, so you need to be warned before you read it!

I’m sure my friends have wondered why I have posted constant updates of the progress of the quilt to completion (although they have kindly liked every single one!). While I am a little proud of my achievements, it’s actually been more important to me because it’s part of my grieving for my mum.

My quilt is called “All the things I wish we’d said”. I can only hope it brings mum some comfort now she is near the end, and tells her she is loved.

Justine.