And it's wonderful.
The rain outside is so amazingly calming and I can't help but sit and think back over the past couple of days. Time somehow seemed to expand to let in the too-much-wonderful of our Christmas adventure, and I was just so very aware that the moments I was blessed to experience will be memories I will hold onto for a life time.
Standing in church last night, where I have been countless times before, Henry tapped my leg urgently as we sung carols and he motioned for me to listen to him whisper.
"You look so beautiful tonight mummy," he whispered, beaming up at me. I hugged him tight, smiled and realised that I am now and forever his mummy: he thinks I am wonderful no matter what. I am almost his whole world right now.
It is strange how gifts can come in all different shapes and sizes. And that quite often it is precious moments that turn out to be the gifts of greatest value. Capturing ordinary wonderful moments as they happen is something to lean in for and then cherish forever.
And I don't want to forget a thing. Not a bit.
Not the way Daisy took unwrapping presents as a very serious business to be accomplished alone. Not the way Henry was Mr Super Excited about EVERY gift he received. Not the way Jack was already planning who would be cooking the vegetables he would grow in the raised garden bed we gave him. Not the napkins Isabel spent so much time folding into Christmas trees before lunch. And not how Lucy spent time reading Daisy five 'In the night garden' books instead of going to play with all the new things she had only just received. Or even how excited Craig was to finally have the surfboard he had wanted forever.
I don't want to forget any of the big or little bits that made up today. Or any day for that matter.
And I don't want to forget to be grateful for any of them either.
As the last present was opened, last drink disappeared, last child slowly closed their eyes and drifted off to sleep and the dust settled, in the final moments of today: I felt above all completely, utterly, I-can-hardly-believe-this-is-my-life blessed. And grateful for the all and everything that has made up the moments and the days and the years that led me to this place and moment in time. Today.
I am thankful to God for Jesus. For grace and grace and grace and grace - that goes on now unto forever more. Because I need it. Every. Single. Day. With it I can breathe. I am free. I am free to try and fail and move on with no baggage telling me I am not worthy. I know with grace I am.
I am thankful for the decision I made to believe when I was 17, knowing that the place I now call home was so suddenly real to me, without a single word from another person.
I am thankful for the amazing family I came from, and the wonderful one that I am now a part of. A family that challenges me to do and be better everyday, forgiving me at every wrong turn and point of imperfection. A family that gives me heart-filling moments of love too often to find words for.
I am thankful for the tears and the hard times that have showed me what I am truly capable of. Although I prayed to leave each experience behind much quicker than I could, I can see now how each moment has helped me to be more understanding and more compassionate towards others who have experienced the same. Learning it's not all about me is a hard gift to receive, but a gift all the same.
I am thankful for time moving forward, for leaving things behind, and for closed doors that mean another better one is out there waiting. The open doors and silver linings have been worth it.
I am thankful for the incredible moments: the proposal, the positive pregnancy tests, wonderful workplaces and the I-really-did-it-! moments.
I am thankful for the friends who love me just because. Who forgive my never remembering to text and who make sure I make time for them, when there seems to be no time. And for the venting and head-nodding and the you-can-do-this speeches.
I am thankful for every hug and smile that has ever been given to me, so freely and with sincerity. And for having the opportunity to give so many myself.
I am grateful for all because it all added to the path that led me here. Now. The good, challenging and in-between days. The I-can-s and I-just-can't-s. The friendships old and new. The hard pregnancies and God-please-help-me-get-through-this first years. The tears and the triumphs. The failures and the grace.
It all led to here.
As the rain falls, my beautiful children sleep soundly in their beds following a wonderful Christmas adventure. The sounds of laughter, rustling paper, excited children and running through the house, become harder to recall as they fall into the simple recollection of all that today was. In the years to come a smile will play on my lips as I remember this day. I know this as surely as I know anything. I also know that that today will join my long list of special golden moments that time will fade, but hopefully never completely erase.
But now, I sit peacefully free to write and remember, basking in the knowledge that I am loved beyond measure, no matter what the future may hold.
Gifts come in all shapes and sizes.
The most precious ones will be held in my heart forever.
Jen.x
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