Henry will comment that I did something for him like I am currently doing for Daisy, or Isabel will tell Lucy that she had a dummy just like Daisy when she was a baby. The language we use is deliberate in it's inclusiveness. It's designed to give the same message: we are a family; we look after each other; we receive what we need (and what is age appropriate;) we give to others what they need. And: none of us is the centre of the universe. Above all, we are all noticed, heard and loved.
Anyway, this is the usual message.
But occasionally I will notice the balance is out. I will notice one or more children are not getting what they need. Or perhaps I should say: what would be best for them. I don't generally jump right in to respond, but rather think for a while to decide (and talk to Craig) about a solution.
When Jack went to prep I made a simple photo book for both him and Isabel. It took maybe an hour or two to cut out photos and stick them on coloured paper. I then put the pages into simple folders appropriate for a four year old and a toddler. They loved them! Lucy was very tiny at the time, so I didn't make one for her.
Fast forward a few years. I printed off photos for relatives whenever I could, and would get extras to make a similar book for Lucy and Henry. It never happened. I couldn't decide how I wanted to do it. Should I create new books for the other two children? Should I make up fancy albums?
The books I made originally were a spur-of-the-moment thing. Given time, my standards became unreachable for where my life was at the time. So the photos stayed in the box.
Over the last few weeks I started noticing how much time Lucy and Henry spent looking at their sibling's photo books. "What did I look like when I was a baby?" or "Did I have a dummy when I was little?" were just some of the questions that started to become more frequent. They needed to know about who they were as babies and what they were like as they grew. They really needed books of their own.
After much deliberation, late last night I found two small photo albums. I remember picking them up at Coles years ago and put a few photos in each for Jack and Izzy, for when I went into hospital to have Lucy. I took out the old photos and spent less than an hour choosing photos of Henry and Lucy to go in them.
I loved looking at all the adorable photos taken when they were babies! It was tough finding smiling pictures of Lucy, because her first year was such a hard one, but thankfully I found a couple. I added some letter stickers to each front photo, and cut the corners using a special rounded corner craft punch.
This morning when I handed the photo books to Henry and Lucy their smiles told me that they loved them. I think they were more excited about these books than any of their Christmas presents, and Lucy has had hers at her side all day. Lucy has picked a favourite photo and is repeating the stories I have told her about some of the photos. Henry is just so excited that there was a photo of him receiving 'Puppy.'
No, my children are not going to receive equally from me. But hopefully I will always be discerning enough to see what they need as individuals, and provide for these needs.
Sometimes the needs will be small. Reassurance, a hug, a firm reminder or a photo book to remind them of their history within our family. Other times needs may be more demanding. One thing I can be certain of is that even though many of their needs may be different, they all need me to notice, know, and love them individually. They need me to pay attention and listen. Because we all want to be heard; even kids.
Although I take this on knowing that I will most certainly need grace daily, it reminds me of how blessed I am as a mum. The very fact that this is tricky shows me that I have been given so much. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with attempting to be the mum that each of my precious children needs, but there is also the flip side, in that I receive abundantly in return. Physical demand times 5. Hugs times 5. Crying times 5 (actually probably more because of sibling causal factors.) But you-are-the-best-mummy-in-the-whole-world times 5. Emotional demand times 5. But 5 times that look that they have that is almost indescribable. The look that says: "I have hope, I have learnt so much, I know how to be kind, I want to try my best, I will be happy to sit here forever with you - all because you are my mum."
So I will continue to try to be the mum that they all need. Fair, not equal. Trying my best to listen and pay attention. And loving them all through everything.
Jen.x
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