This afternoon while picking up my tribe (and my niece) from school, I had many chats with other mums. This made me more than happy. I know the focus is usually on kids making friends at school, but hey, making friends with the other parents can be tough too. Or is that just me?! Anyway, many people seemed happy to see me and I was able to chat (which I tend to love,) so I was in a great mood. One mum asked how everything was starting for me, and I told her that I felt a little tired already, and that I was worried that the after school activities would practically kill me! Especially in the next fortnight ahead while Craig will be on afternoon shift.
It stopped me for a moment as I got into the car, wondering how am I going to do this year. And what's more, do it well.
I then became distracted with directions and snacks and Daisy. As the kids wandered outside once home, with ice blocks in hands, Jack stayed behind to chat about the story of becoming Vice House Captain today. He was thrilled! He had wanted to be a House Captain for a long time, so this was definitely one of those moments when I see a child achieve a goal. I was incredibly happy for him as he began to tell the story.
At the end of his story I asked him some questions and one thing I asked was how many people gave speeches. He looked at me and told me that only he and his friend, who was chosen as Captain, gave speeches. He spoke about how happy he was for his friend, and that they would just make the BEST team ever. And I listened.
I am very used to the lack of competitiveness in my children. It challenges me all the time. They rarely compare themselves to others and I have never been able to implement any kind of 'encouragement system' using competition for getting things done, because it just does not work.
In the holidays, while trying to keep them occupied while we renovated, I attempted to run a Lego building competition. They were each given a board and asked to build the highest tower they could, from any of the pieces of Lego they liked. I even offered a prize! After 20 minutes, the 4 children had formed two teams. And within about an hour they had formed a group, connected the two towers, and decided on jobs for each member of the team. They had even worked out a way to include Daisy, who had woken up and was not happy to be left out. Yes, so far none of them have a competitive bone in their body.
I need to learn from them and remember.
While struggling, I look around and criticise myself for not doing as well as others. My go-to is "why can't I when they can!" My too-honest sister retorts: "um, maybe the extra kids." But in the moment I don't see it, and I definitely don't see that although not perfect, my goals are actually still achieved. I feel not-enough, which is isolating. Right now, as a rational person, because all is well, this sounds just plain silly, but I know I could be right back there again too soon.
Over the past six months, while I have been writing this blog, I have been trying hard to remedy this situation. I have been challenging myself to remember that everyone is different, with different strengths, challenges and faults. Although I may be struggling in one area, I might be fine in other areas. I have been trying my best to live out what I say and believe about the wonderful differences in people and the waste of time comparison is.
What I haven't realised until now is that in doing this, in being honest, acknowledging the importance of difference, and trying to stop comparison, I have connected with many more people than I would have otherwise. I realised something very important:
Stopping comparison and competition leads to connection.
This is because when comparison and competition make an exit, suddenly the walls of not-enough or perceived-they-are-better-than-me or we-are-not-the-same-so-we-can't-be-friends, all fall down.
And this is what everyone really wants anyway, because through connection the importance of our individuality is actually revealed and celebrated. We fill in other peoples' gaps. We help them in areas they just can't deal with, and they help us with ours. We find that we don't need to be all and everything and perfect in every situation, instead realising that others will be there to not only provide support and help, but help us to feel better when we are the imperfect humans which we will never get away from. Others sometimes remind us of the grace we are usually much more willing to dish out to others, before accepting it ourselves. Using our differences to help others, in turn shines a light on our strengths, while helping others in their struggles. The wonderful beauty of this is, is that as we are all different, we all end up with ways to shine.
Connecting leads to a better outcome for all, building not only relationships, but also individuals in the process. We stop wondering why we can't do for ourselves, and start thinking about we can do for someone else.
Just like deciding to build a joined awesome Lego tower together, rather than battling on alone. Or perhaps simply being excited that a friend became Captain, even when it meant coming second, claiming it was the team that mattered.
If I have said it once, I've said it a million times: I have learnt more from my children than they will ever learn from me. Parenting is just as big a learning experience for me as for them. And I never want to forget that.
Today I realised that getting there is getting there, even if I'm last. Even if I'm not dressed perfectly with my mental health completely in tact in the end. Even if dinner is really breakfast and the washing resembles a mountain. Because I have wonderful friends that I can share my failures and successes with, who will basically not care about my imperfection, but will rather remind me of my triumphs and tell me to stop and give myself a break. They will be honest and share their challenges, while helping me find solutions to mine.
And the beautiful thing is that I will be able to do the same for them.
Jen.x
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