Like by my self, sitting in a car, with no one talking, by myself.
And it gets better. Soooo much better.
People who are grown ups talked to me! And smiled. And listened. And some even said nice things about me. I was able to sit still and listen for more than an hour. Yes, I sat for a whole hour! I became involved in discussions about important things, not once splitting my focus on two things at one time. I was inspired. People told me about their holidays, and the lovely learning support team I am part of talked about our hopes and dreams for the year ahead. We started to make plans! I was even happy to help move furniture into new classrooms. Beautiful new classrooms I may even get to visit weekly: so very exciting!
And at no point did I have to prepare food for anyone or touch a cleaning product. Not. One. Time.
It was such a lovely day, and I am sitting here smiling about returning tomorrow.
But one of the greatest things about today had nothing to do with my time at school, even though I loved it. I have written before about the missing, the clarity and the return; but today was different.
Today grumpy mummy left.
You see today wasn't just a regular day at work/school. It was the first day of feeling me, and just me for a very long time. At home, the edges are fuzzy. I blur into them and home and the all of caring for the all of them. It can be completely consuming. Even with hastily volunteered-for trips alone to the shops. It is still all about them.
But work has nothing to do with them. It is all me. It was the me before they came to bless my life and make it amazing, and it will be there after they leave to create families of their own. Teaching is more than what I do. It's who I am. It's who I will always be. I know that as much as I know anything.
To be reminded of all I am as a teacher is an amazing blessing, especially considering the unpaid cook and cleaner I felt I was yesterday, It's wonderful because it not only reminds me of what I am to the students in my care, but also reminds me of what I am to my very own children.
Today four students who previously attended our school stood before the teachers and spoke to the influence the teachers have had. It was honest, presented plainly and could not help but result in touching the hearts of all who heard. In hearing though, I couldn't help but think of their parents, and their influence. In that moment I was reminded of just who I am and how much my cooking and cleaning and the all of everything I do, will influence my own children.
In the everyday, it is easy to forget mums are pretty awesome. Mums do just about everything. All I give and am to my children will impact their lives forever.
I am important.
Not only as a teacher, but also as a mum. I am important as a mum in every word I speak, every look I give, every moment I share, every decision I make, every hug I give, every boundary I create, every time I choose them and let my selfishness go.
Yes, today grumpy mummy left, not just because I was able to be me for a while, but because in doing so I realised what I do in the every day mundane moments is important.
The 'had enough' feeling of yesterday disappeared into the realisation that my limits of enough are much higher, when considering the long term cost and benefit of my patience and endurance.
And so tonight as I dealt with the same situations as last night, I chose to call on patience and love and kindness. I decided to let the anger over the insignificant float away.
Love. Patience. Endurance. Hope. Kindness. Gratitude.
My actions can teach more than anything else in the world to my children.
Parents are important.
Jen.x
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