Christmas: ordinary-wonderful moments and thankfulness.

There is peace here now.

And it's wonderful.

The rain outside is so amazingly calming and I can't help but sit and think back over the past couple of days. Time somehow seemed to expand to let in the too-much-wonderful of our Christmas adventure, and I was just so very aware that the moments I was blessed to experience will be memories I will hold onto for a life time.

Standing in church last night, where I have been countless times before, Henry tapped my leg urgently as we sung carols and he motioned for me to listen to him whisper.

"You look so beautiful tonight mummy," he whispered, beaming up at me. I hugged him tight, smiled and realised that I am now and forever his mummy: he thinks I am wonderful no matter what. I am almost his whole world right now.

It is strange how gifts can come in all different shapes and sizes. And that quite often it is precious moments that turn out to be the gifts of greatest value. Capturing ordinary wonderful moments as they happen is something to lean in for and then cherish forever.

And I don't want to forget a thing. Not a bit.

Not the way Daisy took unwrapping presents as a very serious business to be accomplished alone. Not the way Henry was Mr Super Excited about EVERY gift he received. Not the way Jack was already planning who would be cooking the vegetables he would grow in the raised garden bed we gave him. Not the napkins Isabel spent so much time folding into Christmas trees before lunch. And not how Lucy spent time reading Daisy five 'In the night garden' books instead of going to play with all the new things she had only just received. Or even how excited Craig was to finally have the surfboard he had wanted forever.

I don't want to forget any of the big or little bits that made up today. Or any day for that matter.

And I don't want to forget to be grateful for any of them either.

As the last present was opened, last drink disappeared, last child slowly closed their eyes and drifted off to sleep and the dust settled, in the final moments of today: I felt above all completely, utterly, I-can-hardly-believe-this-is-my-life blessed. And grateful for the all and everything that has made up the moments and the days and the years that led me to this place and moment in time. Today.

I am thankful to God for Jesus. For grace and grace and grace and grace - that goes on now unto forever more. Because I need it. Every. Single. Day. With it I can breathe. I am free. I am free to try and fail and move on with no baggage telling me I am not worthy. I know with grace I am.

I am thankful for the decision I made to believe when I was 17, knowing that the place I now call home was so suddenly real to me, without a single word from another person.

I am thankful for the amazing family I came from, and the wonderful one that I am now a part of. A family that challenges me to do and be better everyday, forgiving me at every wrong turn and point of imperfection. A family that gives me heart-filling moments of love too often to find words for.

I am thankful for the tears and the hard times that have showed me what I am truly capable of. Although I prayed to leave each experience behind much quicker than I could, I can see now how each moment has helped me to be more understanding and more compassionate towards others who have experienced the same. Learning it's not all about me is a hard gift to receive, but a gift all the same.

I am thankful for time moving forward, for leaving things behind, and for closed doors that mean another better one is out there waiting. The open doors and silver linings have been worth it.

I am thankful for the incredible moments: the proposal, the positive pregnancy tests, wonderful workplaces and the I-really-did-it-! moments.

I am thankful for the friends who love me just because. Who forgive my never remembering to text and who make sure I make time for them, when there seems to be no time. And for the venting and head-nodding and the you-can-do-this speeches.

I am thankful for every hug and smile that has ever been given to me, so freely and with sincerity. And for having the opportunity to give so many myself.

I am grateful for all because it all added to the path that led me here. Now. The good, challenging and in-between days. The I-can-s and I-just-can't-s. The friendships old and new. The hard pregnancies and God-please-help-me-get-through-this first years. The tears and the triumphs. The failures and the grace.

It all led to here.

As the rain falls, my beautiful children sleep soundly in their beds following a wonderful Christmas adventure.  The sounds of laughter, rustling paper, excited children and running through the house, become harder to recall as they fall into the simple recollection of all that today was. In the years to come a smile will play on my lips as I remember this day. I know this as surely as I know anything. I also know that that today will join my long list of special golden moments that time will fade, but hopefully never completely erase.

But now, I sit peacefully free to write and remember, basking in the knowledge that I am loved beyond measure, no matter what the future may hold.

Gifts come in all shapes and sizes.

The most precious ones will be held in my heart forever.

Jen.x

13 Christmas tips for parents. And why we have the caffeine-for-parents-before-present-opening rule.

Part of me thinks that I'm the least qualified person to give tips about what to do at Christmas. I have never had an absolutely amazing Christmas with kids. Of course there have been lovely moments and fun times, but overall it has been hard work, nothing like the movies or books had me expecting at all.

I'm not sure if this is a universal thing that all parents remain silent about or if it is just me because Craig has always worked on Christmas. But hey, I really am an expert in what not to do and how to improve the situation. If like me Christmas has been a challenging day, read the tips below and see if any of them may help to bring a little sunshine to your day.

13) Make Christmas Eve special. Make up a Christmas Eve box that guides the day as it is a loooong day for parents as well as children. Try to have this day free of too many last minute things and focus on family time together. And make sure the kids are really active so you can spend a couple of hours chilling by yourself of with your partner before getting the presents out to place under the tree.

12) Play-straight-away gifts are great for toddlers and preschoolers. They want to play RIGHT NOW not wait to get the gift out of the packaging. As an expert in undoing ALL the ties Christmas morning I would encourage all parents to think about packaging issues that could arise. My worst Christmas morning was when I had 3 children, Lucy being only 5 months old. A screaming-without-ceasing 5 month old. Craig worked day shift, so we got up at 5am, opened the presents and he left for work. And so the day of crying began. That is for all of us: a desperate-to-open-all-the-things 4 year old, a just-turned-2 year old who was over Christmas before it began, screaming Lucy, and me. I wish I knew then what I know now because my choices would have been very different! No packing ties would have been number 1.

11) If packaging will be an obvious issue open up presents, undo almost all of the ties, take off stick tape and then return item to the box (as the gifts are purchased.) Many people don't return the items to the boxes and choose wrap as-is. I find that the boxes do make the gifts much easier to wrap so I usually return them. This also helps keep pieces together when multiple children are opening gifts.

10) Make sure ALL electronics that require charging are charged on Christmas Eve. As you purchase these items add them to a list as a reminder. I will be setting it as a reminder with an alarm on my iPhone. This is also the time to put batteries in gifts that require them too. These will be the last gifts I wrap. And hopefully the only ones I wrap Christmas Eve. Speaking positively here, history tells me a much different story…..

9) If one parent is working Christmas Day make sure the children are aware of this well in advance and explain how this will fit into the day. Craig FINALLY has a Christmas off this year! But I think it is a first and the early years with little ones were a shocker. With older kids around to remind the younger kids what is happening it has been easier. The key is preparation when one parent has to do part/all of Christmas alone because it's all about expectations. When you plan you can clearly see what won't work which can make the day flow better because you won't be trying do fit things in that are impossible.

8) For Christmas Day, have a washing basket per child close to the present opening area, to place gifts in as they are opened. This can help stop mix-ups, lost items, and parts of gifts getting accidentally thrown out with the wrapping. The best thing about this system is that the special new items can be kept all together for an extended period for special play.

7) Christmas can be very overwhelming for some children. Try not to buy too much, and open gifts at the child's pace, which may mean not opening all the gifts at once. Perhaps open one or two, then have breakfast for example. Know your children and respond according to their needs, not the wants of everyone else.

6) Keep some of the regular daily rhythms if possible. If you can, plan for regular naps and try to do some of the regular things your family normally does, like brushing teeth after breakfast, and stories before bed. Tell them leading up to the day that these things will still happen. This will help children who are a bit anxious to remain calm. It is very easy to assume that Christmas is all excitement for everyone. Sometimes it's just not. If your child really struggles with changes to routines write down an ordered list of what will happen on the day so that they are prepared. For younger children who can't read, staple a few blank pages together and sit with your child to write events of the day at the bottom of the pages, encouraging them to draw a picture to accompany (like a transition book.) Read through this 'book' a few nights leading up to Christmas.

5) Remember: walk away and breathe. This could be applied to many of the situations I hear about post Christmas. It is one day. It is one very-high-pressure-too-overwhelming day. Your children may be much more badly behaved or say ungrateful things. Relatives that have had too much to drink may say unkind things. You may have to be around people whom you don't like all that much. What ever it is, just remember to walk away and breathe. You probably don't want to remember yourself as the crazy person at the party.

4) Remember the day should be fun, but meltdowns can occur very easily if it's all too much. This will depend on your child. All children are different, so will respond differently to the excitement. I have one that thrives on the newness and spontaneity of Christmas, while others I can guarantee will be in tears as they shower in the evening because it is all too much. Never place another's judgement before your own when considering your children: you know them best. If it is all spiralling out of control at a family event, leave, or go for a walk around the block with your child. If the opening of gifts is not going well, take a break and have breakfast or go outside to play. See a problem, find a solution. If others are terribly offended, perhaps they don't know your children (or you) as well as they think they do. Repeat to yourself "there is no have to, only choice," and then make the best choice for all concerned. After all is said and done, you will be the one going home with your child/ren and living with the consequences.

3) Supervise carefully. Casualty in a hospital is very busy at Christmas time! And as you probably don't want to be visiting don't assume that new toys will entertain them enough to give you a break, or think all the other parents hanging around will be watching your kids. Other parents have their own kids to watch, who may be finding Christmas a more difficult time than your children. This was the big shock about being a parent at Christmas. It was no longer a relaxing time all about me. It turned into very hard work. Fun. But hard work, even harder than normal because the kids are very tired from not enough sleep leading up to Christmas and all the new items, like skateboards or roller blades that they are not quite used to yet.

2) Plan for the exhaustion. I'm talking parents here! Christmas demands a lot from parents and by the time it's Christmas morning I'm sure I'm not the only one who is all too tired. Then there is food preparation, supervision of over-excited children, not to mention opening boxes and clearing mess. Craig and I plan times in the day for us to get a break. For us this means: rules like 'no present opening before parents have a cup of something caffeinated in their hands' and afternoon movie time, parents choice. This is definitely the day to be firm and make sure the kids are aware well in advance of the expectations. If we let the kids decide on the movie for example, there would be war on Christmas day, even though on a regular day they have little problem coming to agreed decisions. On this over-the-top too-exciting day it takes very little for craziness to take hold.

1) Plan for Boxing Day. Ahhh boxing day. I remember boxing day before kids. The resting and relaxing, maybe a swim or a trip to the beach, and definitely left overs. Some people still claim to have a day like this with kids, and I am more than jealous. Boxing Day can be horrible around here. The excitement is over, everyone is tired, there is too much cleaning up to do and every child wants a parent's attention with one of their new toys. This year I have planned a little to avoid some of the problems and will brief the kids on our expectations well before Christmas. They are usually really great if we explain problems and tell them our plan. I think it's the we-are-a-team thing and I will be using it to our advantage.

So these are a few of the plans that I will be putting into place for our family in the hope of an amazing Christmas.

What tips do you have for making a happy and calm Christmas?

Jen.x

Wrapping adventures for 5 kids. My 16 best tips that may just help you too.

I wrote the following a month ago then never ended up editing for publishing. Last night we finished almost all of our wrapping and now reading this, I wish I had read it before I wrapped. Because I forgot number 13 and used pen instead and the labels are now smudged. Anyway, I hope it helps others who haven't finished wrapping yet.

Gift wrapping tips

I have been stuck wrapping late into the night too many Christmases. Too many.

The dream is sitting with Craig, children in bed, watching the carols on TV with a glass of wine in my hand. Never happens. But this year is going to be different! Different I tell you. I have learnt from my past and have plans for this year, which I will now share with you.

1) Buy less = less wrapping.

2) Enlist help = less wrapping. Craig is much slower than I am at wrapping gifts, probably because he simply disagrees with Number 9. But any help is help. He wrapped the Santa gifts, because Santa is much better at wrapping than parents.

3) Stick on gift tags are a must. I like using some swing tags because they are cute, but only use them on a few gifts.

4) Brown paper is awesome to wrap with! It is really thick and doesn't tear easily. Make it look pretty with a bit of ribbon or bakers' string.

5) Use Christmas paper to accent, and wrap only easy to wrap gifts in it. Alternately I will wrap gifts I want them to open at the same time in the same paper. This is something I never considered before 3 kids. Now it seems more important, especially as they are older. It works well when everyone opens their main gift one after the other. I really liked the Ikea gift wrap this year. It compliments the brown paper really well.

6) Have all the extra supplies in one box, easily accessible. Ribbon, string, gift tags, sharpies, scissors and tape dispenser.

7) Don't forget to eat. Sounds easy, but too many times I have become cranky and frustrated, then ate chocolate rather than a meal. Eating proper meals and snacks makes for a calmer wrapping experience.

8) Wrap while watching favourite movies. If I have to go and get something or chat to Craig about a decision we need to make while wrapping, it doesn't matter because I've already seen the movie.

9) Voltaire said "don't let perfect be the enemy of good." I couldn't agree more. These presents are going to be ripped open. Perfect is unnecessary and can end up causing procrastination because it's hard to begin with that kind of pressure. Aim for good. Leave perfect for another day.

10) Start wrapping early, but not too early. The danger here is, what has been made or bought can be forgotten. Then doubts trickle in and more purchases result. 

11) Take photos of what has been made or purchased. This can stop overspending. Last year I took photos of each child's gifts before they were wrapped (as a whole.) This was really helpful to make sure nothing was mixed up and I could tell in a glance that nothing had been put in the rubbish box by mistake.

12) Some people love the 'wrap as you go' option. Just make sure you take photos and keep the photos in a separate file. That way you can glance at it whenever you need to.

13) Sharpies are great for writing on labels of any kind.

14) For electrical products that will be used by children: test them out first!!!! Do not wrap these items until Christmas Eve, after ensuing products are fully charged. Open and download apps etc, making sure you completely understand operating instruction at least two days before Christmas. In doing this, you can take items back if they are not working properly (and beat the post-Chirsitmas returns rush,) and you will have time to call a tech-savy friend should you find you have no idea what you are doing.

15) I think this one is the most important: for toddlers and impatient young children, take items out of boxes before wrapping, take most of the packaging away, then put item back in the box. This makes for a more relaxing (read: less meltdowns) Christmas.

16) Buy a tape dispenser. Even if you just use it once a year, it is worth it. Trust me on this.

Enjoy the wrapping! Coming up tomorrow I will be posting my best surviving-Christmas-day tips.

Jen.x

Christmas Eve in a box. A tricky day to get through with excited children.

Christmas Eve is all excitement! All excitement, all the time. It is a day that is about patience and counting the minutes. For Children: waiting until Santa comes. For parents: waiting for the seemingly never ending day to end so they can sit down and relax for a few hours before the craziness takes over. Or maybe that's just me.

Some of the biggest problems parents face on this day are:

• Over excited kids. Exahusting.
• Impatient children.
• Children uninterested in sleep.
• Last minute preparations. There are some things that can only be done last minute.

When addressing these problems, the Christmas Eve box can definitely be your closest friend. Yes, It can designed to fit your family, to solve problems, not just add to the overwhelming excitement.

My personal aims for this year's Christmas Eve box:

• Make it fun.
• Make it repeatable (part of our family tradition.)
• Make it inclusive for all ages.
• Make it about the whole day (not just evening - we don't need added excitement then!)
• Make it exhausting for the kids.
• Make it time efficient and time creating for parents.

My personal how to:

1) Make a list of supplies early.

2) Buy supplies as part of my regular shopping.

3) Find a box that will fit the stuff.

4) Put everything in and stash it somewhere.

What I'm including:

• Christmas Eve bucket list, with boxes for the children to tick off each item. Basically this is a run sheet for the day. I know this sounds boring, but the kids like to know what is coming next, we need to make sure that nothing is forgotten, and it stops a great deal of repetitive questioning that wastes our day (remember it's 5 times every question around here!) There will be the things that are built into our day like Church at 6pm and visit Nana to give her a gift. I will be including active things as well as an after-lunch movie (Miracle on 34th street,) such as: jump on the trampoline for 5 minutes or play tip. I will be making it work for us too adding items like: make beds and tidy the back yard. Hopefully this will take the focus off 'tomorrow' and allow us all to have fun 'today.'

• Muffin recipe. This will be an activity for half an hour before morning snack time. Jack can easily lead this activity, freeing up myself to get last minute things done. Each child will feel a part of the making of the muffins, knowing Jack's obsession of inclusion for all. The kids can play outside for 15 minutes while the muffins are in the oven, then voila! Snack is ready. And a midnight snack is prepared for Santa;)

• Small milk bottles and Christmas coloured straws. This is a novelty to have their milk in, to go with the muffins.

• Christmas craft supplies, with a 'go for it!' encouragement label. This will probably be their favourite thing, especially when I give them the iPads to use Pinterest for ideas.

• Christmas movie. This will be watched after lunch. I am hoping Craig and I will get to sit down with the kids (except Daisy probably,) but if we have last minute stuff to do, this movie will give us some time.

• Christmas book. This will be one we already have, slipped into the box the night before. For bedtime.

• Christmas PJs (pre washed twice here due to allergy potential of fabric fillers.)

• Reindeer food. Think glitter, oats and carrots.

There are other fun ideas out there and it is great to personalise the box for your family. Add your ideas in the comments below for others families that may just be like yours.

Have a great Christmas Eve everyone!

Jen.x

A simple day with 7. Christmas craft and lettuce seeds.

With a couple of extra children today, I dropped the plans I had to finish organising the girls room and playroom, and decided on some really basic Christmas craft instead.

This is our day.

Jack mowed the lawn for the first time, before Craig left to play cricket. He loved every minute of getting to do a much more grown up job. Meanwhile, the other 6 sat ready to get started on craft.

I decided on basic reproducibles as I didn't have much warning to get anything spectacular prepared. The kids loved it anyway.

After outside playtime, lunch and 'learning time' the kids watched a Christmas movie while Daisy slept. This gave me a chance to finish off a quilt, which I won't show here as it is a gift. I was so very excited to get it finished!

Next, all of the children worked on adding details to their own Christmas trees with wax crayons, followed by applying a green wash over the entire tree.

While the paintings were drying on the line, we planted our too-long-waiting tomato plants into a barrel. These were a gift from a neighbour of my grandmother. We also planted lettuce in a couple of long pots. I can't wait until they grow!

We don't have a watering can, but my mum was visiting and came to the rescue with an empty milk bottle. Jack fashioned the lid using scissors with some holes. Daisy was a big fan of our new watering can.

The craft was simple, we planted a few plants, a gift was finished off, children played happily and part of our lawn was mowed. All up, a non-perfect, fun and simple day.

Love holidays!

Jen.x

The special gift that could change everything between my child and I. $10 and 10 minutes.

Most people want to feel connected.

People want to feel valued, loved and important. But most of all I think people want to be heard and accepted.

I was reminded of this yesterday afternoon. Our family arrived at the after-the-final-school-day get together in a park nearby the school. A considerate parent had invited the entire school so that no one would feel left out. The only problem was that when we arrived I recognised no one. I was surprised how quickly I felt insecure when faced with groups of parents I didn't know sitting around. I was relieved when someone I knew arrived, and it brought to mind just how important connections with others are.

Children are no different. They seek connection too.

As an adult I have a great deal of choice about who I decide to spend time with. I surround myself with friends. I can decide to leave at any time, anywhere. I don't have to be where I don't want to be, with people I don't want to be around. My children however don't really have this choice.

Children for the most part have many decisions about who they interact with on a daily basis dictated by parents and teachers. Yes, children can choose who they play with in the playground. That is if those children agree. But apart from that, children sit next to who they are told to and work with groups of children they are asked to, while at school. At home they play with siblings in a family that they are part of through no choice of their own. Children often need to ask permission to spend time with others they choose to, and this relies heavily on parent time available, and negotiation of all family members needs and wants.

With all of this in mind it is really easy to see why a child's connection to their parents and family is so important. Children are still new to understanding how relationships work, why some people like them and others don't, why some people choose to be mean, the what-is and whys of popularity, and how to recognise genuine friendship. Connection with parents is crucial to help a child navigate the process of working this all out, while feeling loved and supported through it all.

And as a parent I want to help them. I want to think I am always available to be there, waiting and listening. I want to be their soft place to fall. I want to.

But often I'm just not.

I get busy. I am already talking to another child. I am working on something for work. I am comforting another child. I am fixing dinner. Again. I am trying to spend a quiet moment with my husband. I am shopping for things our family needs. I am attempting to clean and organise. Never-endingly! I am filling out school notes. I am correcting another child. I am teaching another child. I am making appointments. I am trying to find a quiet moment to stay sane. I am busy.

And I am not always there.

I like to think I am always there to listen to my children. But the truth is I am not. I'm not.

So this year the most special gift I am giving my children is the ability to tell me everything, to ask me everything, even when I can't be with them.

I am giving the eldest four children a little notebook each. A very special notebook.

In this notebook they can write anything to Craig and/or I. And we will promise to read it and write back if they want us to. It will be a book containing an endless conversation. Questions. Crankiness. Sadness. Excitement. Happiness. And so much more. My hope is that it fills the gaps where I am not there, or not available to them to talk in the way that they need to in that moment.

Each notebook begins with a special letter on the first page from me, including some questions, encouraging them to write. It also explains that sometimes it may take parents a while to read and write and answer back, but it will come. So that the books do not get lost, each child is asked to keep the notebook in a special place and put it on our bed when they want us to look at it. These will be my favourite gifts to wrap this year.

Sometimes bravery gets lost when a moment passes due to waiting. Some things are easier to say when they are not said out loud, but rather written down. And sometimes parents miss important things, only to find out later in ways that create heartache. How often have you heard a parent say: "if only we had known?" Too many.

I don't want important things to get missed because my time is not infinitely available to all of my precious children. I want to be available always and forever, for whatever they need. Childhood is not the breeze society makes it out to be. In a world that sometimes seems too big and too hard for even the most grown up adult, children need to feel accepted and heard. They need someone to confide in, even when time makes this difficult.

So this Christmas, a notebook inviting endless conversation existing outside time is my gift to my children.

May they always feel heard, accepted, special, important and capable of hope.

And above all loved.

Jen.x

'Welcome to summer' gift. How we say goodbye to the school year and hello to summer!

Wow, I am exhausted! I am sure my kids are too. I've spent the last two days trying to get all the last Christmas gifts and I think I am down to the last one (with the exception of two waiting-for-the-post gifts.) So this can mean only one thing: holidays are just about here!

We are all excited that tomorrow will be the last day of school and the beginning of the holidays, but I am mindful that this transition can be a bit difficult for my little ones. As the routine and rhythm of the school year draws to a close, for me I see time open up presenting us with endless opportunities and fun. But I am aware that this beginning is also an end to a time that my children have enjoyed and will never look exactly the same again. Year 1 gives way to Year 2 and that is all too big and unknown. And the holidays themselves are less structured and an unknown too.

So big feelings (i.e. meltdowns) can show themselves on such a special day.

In answer to this, last year I started a tradition, another special moment to add to the rhythm of our year. I find that having moments such as these, marking beginnings, ends and special occasions really helps to create that 'us' feeling, that sense of belonging that is so important to a family.

The tradition is the 'Welcome to summer' box. In general it is just a large box filled with summer holidays things. I don't spend a great deal of money on it or go out especially to buy things for it. As I go about our regular routine I pick up a few items here and there. My last Costco trip was great for this.

This year I included the following:

Smooze ice blocks (3 large boxes)

Writing pads

Water balloons

Tinned pineapple

New goggles

Last year I included a Christmas puzzle that we doing now. I got it out a little early this year and we have all been working on it. Well all of us except Daisy!

I put all the items in a huge Costco Huggies nappy box and wrapped it up. Then I spent a minute decorating the wrapping. All up I don't think I spent more than 15 minutes on it.

It is a really simple and great way to start an exciting time of the year.

One day to go!!!

Jen.x

The parenting tide. Waiting for days on the shore.

I haven't written in a while, well a while for me anyway. I've sat down and started a number of times and tried to write, but that is so not me. Therefore I look at the screen, press delete, and think to myself that I've just wasted my time.

Usually what I write flows out of me. It's like I can barely stay in touch with the real world, or can't type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts.

And then nothing.

And I know why. It's because my head has been all over the place and I couldn't seem to maintain a clear thought for any length of time.

The tide of parenting came in and left me unable to touch the bottom for a while there. As a parent I know this happens and will continue to happen. It never gets any easier though, even if I can see the tide coming in.

Now, after all the too-much, I can feel myself leaving the water and walking towards the shore. Prayer and knowing the one who made my precious little ones to begin with, who chose to give them to me for a reason, all the time knowing I would never be perfect for them, has helped me stay afloat and drift back to where I need to be.

As I stand and watch the tide go quietly out, as I have done all too many times before, I know deep down it will not be the last time. With a heavy heart, I tell myself I will be back out there again, unable to touch the bottom, desperate to find the shore. I'm not sure if I will ever get used to it, but I do know I will get though it.

Because they are worth it.

Every hard decision. All the worry and prayer. Every tear shed. The I-just-can't-do-this or God-you-picked-the-wrong-person moments. And the times where there is no answer but to just be there.

It is all worth it, this parenting thing.

Because it just is.

Smiles and hugs and thank yous and amazing achievements, yes. But oh so much more.

The coming to me in tears. The revealing of huge and tiny worries. The telling of hard truths realised, like sport-equals-popularity-and-that-will-never-be-me or I-will-never-be-the-one-awarded. The asking for tricky advice. The I-just can't-cope-anymore meltdowns. The words that are too hard to say but are said anyway. The fears too hard to face. The everyday looks and devotion that add up to a life together, imperfect, but honest and together through it all. The good. And the in-between.

Being that person to whom all can be trusted is such an amazing blessing. Hard. But a blessing just the same.

Sitting here, alone, with Craig working his final shift before a glorious month of holidays, I know I can see many days of happiness on the sand for our family. With no outside influences telling me what to think or feel about my children on the horizon, I am willing myself to make it through the final days before they are all mine again.

Yes, I'm looking forward to fun and adventure and quiet and love and loud and too much and amazing. But that all presents in reality as that familiar life-altering feeling that I long for. The feeling of enough.

Enough.

Content to just be.

Three days and the outside world can be pushed away for a little while so we can be us. Just us. Simple, unjudged and the real who-we-are.

I can hardly wait.

Let the countdown begin.

Jen.x

Dancing and motherhood like breathing. And travelling back in time.

It's been 16 years since I've danced on a stage. And sitting in the audience tonight, at a place I danced so many times, it felt like yesterday.

It's funny how when we grow up things fall away. Things that were once more important than words. More important than air.

Dancing was breathing to me.

And 'enough' wasn't a word I would ever have used. Let's face it, it still isn't. Times change, but people stay the same.

To say I loved to dance would have been an understatement. I remember just waiting, living, BREATHING, waiting for my next performance. I remember being over the top excited about the costumes. I remember practicing in my room every night. I remember the little things, like chatting with the other girls about how slippery the stage might be, or the best hair spray to use, and the all important make up colours. I remember wishing there was some way I could dance more. And more! Never. Ever. Enough.

And then I was married. And started working full time. I became a grown up.

I stopped dancing on stage, only dancing at home or with students at school.

And then I became a mother. I danced around the lounge room too many times to count to try and help Jack sleep, but slowly dancing slipped further away. With my fourth pregnancy and child, Henry, dancing became something I used to do, except of course when the kids wanted me to dance with them. But it had stopped being my heartbeat.

My world of dancing disappeared. Only it never really did completely. I instead became a mum who was wildly determined not to push my loves onto my children. Perhaps a little too much. I tried hard to keep dancing at arms length, claiming it was all too hard (which it was a bit when I kept having babies!!) I felt it was in the past. I wanted to move on.

Isabel first asked to go to a dance class when she was 2. I kept rebuffing her, saying she couldn't start until she was 3. The day before she turned 3 Isabel came to me full of excitement and I asked her if she was excited about her gifts. She turned to me and replied with a knowing giggle, "no, silly. I can't wait for my first dance class tomorrow!" As she has a birthday in December I explained quickly that she would have to wait until the following year. I remember hoping she would forget. Let's just say there was no way that was ever going to happen! And so dancing re-entered my life.

There were many times I tried to entice the girls to join other sports, or gymnastics or anything really, but they just wouldn't budge. Lucy spent her first 3 terms of dancing standing perfectly still in the middle of the class, not participating once. NOT ONCE. She would then come home and do everything from the class, smiling and happy, but she would not participate in class. I would beg her to stop going and told her it was a waste of money. But she only had to look at me and say "I just love it so much mummy," and we would show up again the next week. When I gave birth to Daisy, and then ended up back in hospital, I forced the girls to take a semester off dance. The sad eyes and little comments here and there led us straight back to dancing, this time at a new dance school (Tara Becker School Of Dance) who so happened to have their concert in familiar territory.

I am not sorry the girls went back to it.

Tonight, being there again, I felt like I had gone back in time. I remembered just how awesome it all felt. The bigness and the excitement and the joy. The laughter, the chaos and the oneness of it all.

But most of all I recall that it really didn't matter that I wasn't the best dancer. I knew I never would be, but I loved it all the same. I loved dancing despite my limitations.

Sometimes joy just isn't found in greatness, but rather effort.

My joy was there in the giving of my all. Not achieving all.

It's only now that I see just how important a lesson that was to learn.

Oh motherhood. How much I wish I took this message with me and kept it close all these years!

I am never going to be the best mummy, no matter how hard I try. The truth is there is no best. There isn't. But the joy; the life-altering, I-cant-believe-they-get-to-be-mine, love-me-no-matter-how-I-screw-up, indescribable joy still exists because of the everyday. The everyday and the all. The love like breathing, chasing after them through everything, all the big and tiny moments that make up the mundane, which make up motherhood, is something I give my all to everyday. Every. Day.

Yes, dancing was once like breathing. But now it isn't.

As Lucy and Isabel listed all the types of dance they wanted to do next year, through yawns and warm milk moustaches, as they giggled on their way to bed, too excited to sleep anytime soon, I didn't stop them and tell them it would be too hard or too much money.

Instead I found myself stopping and smiling. Dancing is becoming like breathing to them.

And I knew exactly how they felt right at that moment. Because I realised right then that what feels like breathing now, will soon be quietly sleeping together in five messy beds. Five little heartbeats that will always and forever be more precious than my own. Five smiles I thank God for every night as I find my way to my sleep, after five one-last-kisses goodnight.

So now as I sit here and contemplate my all and everything, and family-like-air, I know that I can make peace with my passing love of dance. No longer do I feel the need to worry about my children simply living out my desires. The air they choose to breathe is all their own. And I'm so okay with that.

I hope they take the lessons they learn with them.

For me, it's time to check schedules and the price of tap shoes. I happen to know of the most amazing Christmas gift.

We all need to breathe.

Jen.x