I breathe; catch my breath for the briefest of moments before turning the key in the ignition, as if deciding to shift my focus. But as I leave, sky still with the slightest tint of blue left, I turn over the events of the day in my mind. What did I do right? Wrong? What was left undone? What waits for me tomorrow? What thoughts must I hold onto, careful not to let go until later tonight when quiet and peace take over? I struggle to grasp the threads of thoughts moving endlessly behind my eyes, now so carefully focussed on the road before me, as school fades into the distance.
Concentrate.
Tomorrow will take of itself.
Memories from my day are relived again and slowly float away, out the windows that surround me, and beyond into the world that always feels so big as I drive through fields to hills and homes.
Home.
A flicker of anticipation moves into focus for a second.
I look to the trees so huge creating a tunnel for me to pass through. How long have they been here? I think about time passing. Today is so small. It's practically nothing at all. Did I make a difference? Could I have done more? The questions go unanswered as I instead see the sky changing.
Clouds that once seemed white slowly turn grey as the sky brightens for it's last beautiful display before darkness threatens to invade. It's funny how sometimes moments seem to pass quickly until I am paying attention, then time slows down and expands to allow for the experience.
The road twists and turns. I respond from memory, as the not-at-work not-at-home me feels free for the brief time I am neither. I relax and feel my body wanting desperately to rest. Sleep. Not do anything. My eyes struggle to stay focused as I reprimand myself for doing too much.
Concentrate.
Home is waiting. And all the precious people in it.
I smile. Home is closer now. I reach out in my thoughts to the evening and night ahead. The chaos. The noise. The questions. The food and homework and cleaning and reading and hugs and love.
My mind wanders. Day dreams and memories intertwine into rose coloured glasses that always find their way to me on my journey to them. I happily look through them. Reality in all it's harshness has no place here. There is no need to relive the difficult right at this moment as slumber seems too far away as it is. More challenges, invented or real, can wait until another day.
Tomorrow will take care of itself.
I feel myself take a sharp breath in as I see my city at a distance before me. That brief glimpse of it so far below shows me in an instant that I am almost there. The road descends quickly and turns sharply to reveal the ocean spread out as far as I can see.
Home.
I never fail to feel that word intensely as I see this magnificent sight. Today dark grey water greets me, with boats that seem like toys motionless on the horizon. Home.
The trees and the city and too many cars and roads fill the space in front of me as the ocean disappears from view. I feel myself beating tiredness down. No room for it now. Breathe. Get ready. The second part of my day is about to begin.
I turn into my street, and my heart reaches out into the almost dark ahead of me. I can feel I am nearly there: my arms can almost feel the hugs, my ears almost hear the words, and my eyes almost see the smiles.
I open the door to the same set of stairs that feel as though it has welcomed me forever.
The sound of little feet padding along the hall above suddenly quicken at the realisation that I am here.
I smile because I know the haste is all for me. I know it.
And that feeling is wrapped up in a million memories.
The smell of clean washing while children explore in the too long grass of the back yard jungle.
The nuzzling of a hungry newborn.
The smell of that tiny little bundle wanting nothing more than to be held.
The hesitant turn-away and then extra hug from a child unsure about the day ahead.
The sound of the words "me do it!" while waiting for the following tears of defeat, or smiles in triumph.
The silence that says so much as a toddler stops still for one moment in a rare hug, surrendering for a simple moment.
Quiet disappearing, causing instant nervousness on noticing.
The too-long hug that is instantly known to be a hard thing, too difficult to tell.
The smile that asks for help, or says thank you.
Tears with no sound uttered, that seem the saddest of all.
Sounds echo through my home to greet me. Unclear voices and more welcome me as if drawing me into my other world. The world where I just know so much.
Little footsteps turn all too quickly into the smiling face I knew would follow, and the word I have been waiting for on the long drive home finally makes it's way to me:
"Mummy!"
The outside world fades away as I close the door softly behind me. I am grateful to climb the stairs on the final part of my journey to my other me.
Home. Mummy. All the feelings and knowings that are rarely found in words in my world fall around me as I take off my shoes. I pick them up and smile. Time to be with the ones I love.
Tomorrow will take care of itself.
Jen.x
No comments:
Post a Comment