Motherhood, expectations, and noticing wonderful.

There are such beautiful spaces where I work. I often pass right by without noticing.

This afternoon I noticed. I chose to notice.

I had what turned out to be a good day at work. This afternoon I played the game 'Socially Speaking' (teaching social skills) with a group of boys. One student landed on a "give a compliment" square. He sat there and thought long and hard, looking around at all the people in the group. And then finally, he turned to me:

"Mrs Shipway. You are such a great teacher for me. I hope you can teach me in this group next year too."

This was not an easy thing for him to formulate and say, so it just about melted my heart! Teaching provides wonderful moments like this often. Moments where students tell me they think I'm the best. Moments when I can actually see the a connection being made: that light bulb! Moments when I see new friendships being formed. I could go on! It's all amazing. Awesome!

But this isn't most of the time. Most of the time I'm wishing I had more hours in the day. I'm researching how I can perhaps help another child who is struggling. I hear constant I-don't-get-it-s and explain-again-s. And sometimes I feel that overwhelmed feeling, while rushing about trying to meet everyones' needs.

Yet with teaching, even though I don't see big-moments all the time, I am aware that I am always looking for them. I am always expecting great things and notice the little gains, all the while not being overly discouraged by the hard parts.

What I realised today, walking past the beautiful spaces at school without noticing, was that I am not the same person at home. At home I just don't notice all the great, much of the time.

At work I see the good. I focus on the good. Inside I celebrate every tiny accomplishment.

At home I don't.

I'm too busy being focused on what I'm not doing. On what my children are not doing. I'm focused all too often on why I'm not meeting the too high expectations I constantly set, yet seem to find it too hard to change. And to make matters worse I know I'm doing it, so am hard on myself about that too.

To be honest I don't know exactly what to do about it. Adding something else to my exhausting to-do list would have me crying in the corner. But I would love to be more like teacher-me at home.

I'm always saying to look for and capture those special everyday moments that will never happen again. I say to myself that time is short and realise that the moments I live now, will one day be the wonderful memories I will treasure. And I do this with everything in me. That's just it: I am great at the doing. It's the just being and letting go that I have a problem with. I've written about it before, yet seem to find it a hard lesson to learn. This steals my opportunity to be present and notice all the wonderful things.

So my aim for tonight is not going to be homework and dinner and readers and endless cleaning up and bedtimes.

Tonight, I choose to notice the little things. I choose to put aside all the have-to-s that are weighing me down and just be. And maybe in doing so I will actually start to see all the awesome that deep down I know is here.

And if that doesn't help, and it's a complete disaster: hugs and stories. There are never enough hugs or stories.

Jen.x