I actually did it all day today. The house is a mess and I'm pretending not to notice, because for one, cleaning with the kids on holidays is actually a complete waste of my time, and I wanted to work on a few sewing projects. The kids have had an absolute ball and as I type, playing tip at the other end of the house. Yes, getting dressed for bed and teeth brushing and all that should be happening, but this is easier. At least it seems that way right now. Right at this point in time there is no need to get to bed at a reasonable hour, because tomorrow hold no expectations.
So yes, it is really easy to go with the flow. It's easy to just accept the way things are and ignore difficulties and things I'm unhappy with. It's easy to do things the way I've always done them because, it doesn't involve any extra work on my part. And I have the added benefit of being able to just sit back and complain;) After all this is just the way things are.
Only I know that doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results, has been said to be one definition of insanity. I'm a big believer in this. I first heard it when Jack was a baby and it completely changed the way I saw parenting. It suddenly wasn't all about me and what I wanted him to do and be. I needed to respond and consider his desires too, and if something wasn't working for him or our family as a whole, it needed to change. We needed to read both information and our baby, and work out how to live happily as a new family. And we have done this with each new little one.
It takes work. Happiness, change and finding what works for a family doesn't come easily, and sitting back waiting for change to suddenly just occur, realistically isn't going to happen. It might. But the odds aren't all that great. In favour of positive change at least.
So the problem is that after finding that 'way' of doing things after having a new baby, and finding that balance within the family, it's tempting to just stay like that in an ongoing way. Sounds great, huh? No more work. No challenging current ways of thing.
But, families change. Babies grow. Children grow. And even parents find themselves moving into new things. Family, homes and rhythms need to change in response. And they do; just not always for the best. Right now our home is happy. Completely happy. Nothing from the outside needs us right now, with then exception of Craig's work, and it is wonderful. Only this isn't our regular life. Our regular life had become crazytown, and changes, perhaps only slight ones are needed to get through the school term with less crankiness all round.
A few years ago, I was reading a book that challenged me to do a task that really helped me, when figuring out what was and wasn't working for our family. It made me question what we were doing over and over again, that had no hope of achieving the kind of life we desired.
Now, four years on, it is time to do a similar thing again. What do we need to look at changing, to have our home and the family in it happier, and able to do all that each person needs and wants to in the world beyond?
To start, we need to do one thing.
Have us all decide what a happy home really looks like. To us.
What does a happy home look or even sound like? If I was to ask a number of people, I'm sure there would be a variety of responses. Some families like LOUD, some quiet. Some love to be in each others lives all the time, others like space to themselves. Some value simplicity and few outside activities, while others just adore being busy and out and about together. Each one of these families needs something different. They need a different home, different rhythms, some needing routines, while others don't.
Loud, quiet, strict routines, few routines, many activities, simple no fuss living etc, are not the problems. It's not the differences that make problems for families and there is nothing wrong with families having different needs.
The problems begin when the way a family lives, and place in which they live, does not match who they really are together.
Sometimes, only small changes need to be made, other times bigger ones. But it all needs to start with deciding - together -
What does a happy home really look like? To us.
So the very first step is to simply decide this as a family, which can be done in many ways. Some families have family meetings, where this big question could be discussed and notes taken (if there are lots of ideas!) Other families might prefer to write/draw/whatever by themselves and then come together and share. There are so many ways, but most important is that everyone is given a say. Parents with a baby in the home will need to consider what the baby's needs are.
For me, tonight I am going to sit down and have a chat with Craig and jot down some of our thoughts. Then tomorrow I am going to ask the kids to give their own response in what ever way they choose.
The first time I did this, it was just for myself. It took less than 10 minutes and a small blank page in my journal. The ideas were written randomly as they came to me, and are a little hard to follow now, but make me smile, because it so reflects who we were back then.
Don't know where to start?
Grab a piece of paper and just write:
* What do you hear, see, feel, think as you walk through the door of your ideal home?
* What is happening in your home when you feel that 'I-love-my-home-and-family' feeling?
* What circumstances see most people happy in your home?
* What is important for your family to experience, or be part of?
* What level of noise do you feel most at ease with?
* What things around your home make you feel calm and relaxed?
* Do you prefer more sedate or active pastimes?
* Does mess bother you and your family? Do they seem calmer and happier with order, or do they not care?
* Is home cooking important? Cooking together/alone?
* Do you need to feel inspired at home?
* Do you like to be challenged or just accepted within your home?
* Do you like to have time alone, or prefer to always be together, sharing everything?
And so much more! Once you start writing, ideas tend to flow from there. Just imagine your home on a movie screen, pictured and working just the way you like it and write from there.
The idea isn't to then change everything immediately to fall in line with what you have discovered. The next step is something much simpler.
Jen.x
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