Well I didn't really have to I guess, but I wanted to be clear. Honest. Because I am often told by others (with big smiles) that they love to hear that I don't have it all together.
I would never want anyone to think that I'm sitting here sewing in a perfectly clean house, with children smiling and saying "absolutely mum, what else can I do for you?" with a meal cooking in the oven, and laundry all put neatly away. It's just not reality. Not my reality at least.
As a mum of fewer children I often felt terrible after visiting others' houses, because I thought I was failing alone. I thought I was the only one who found parenting challenging. More than challenging: impossible to the point of tears some days. I thought I just needed to try harder, change my attitude, be more positive, or perhaps I was just not cut out to be this mum everyone else seemed to have no problem being perfect at.
And then a few people let their walls down. I did too.
I realised that everyone is struggling with something. The whole parenting gig is hard for all, whether people choose to show it or not. I now know about the 'everything's fine' face that all too often hides things that are just to hard to say without falling apart.
I now know that parenting is meant to be a challenge, because it helps me grow. It is often the thing that shows me exactly who I am, and I don't always like what I see. But then growth doesn't happen in easy times, does it? I have had to face up to the fact that I'm not always right, can be way too selfish, and need to open up to the possibility that there could be more out there. I now know that a completely safe and unchanging life isn't necessarily always the best. I now I can be and should be honest and be exactly who I am instead of trying to fit a mould that is a normal that I have come to realise just doesn't really exist. None of this happened through success, rather tears and challenges that I remember telling God he was wrong to believe I was capable of dealing with. As it turns out he was right. I am stronger than I knew myself to be. Choosing honesty and talking to those close to me helped me through these times.
As I had more children I also noticed that some children are simply more challenging than others too, requiring more time and energy, while others were simply happy to be and play. This is something I have shared time and time again with other parents who are at their wits end. I can tell that they think it is their 'fault' and are at that point where their confidence in their parenting is at rock bottom. I am only to happy to assure them: kids are different too. But more importantly, the things that are challenging now are there for a purpose. I know now that children grow and change too. The things that in the past created massive difficulties slowly became strengths, that may one day lead them to who they are meant to be. Sharing this has helped more parents than I can count, often to the point of tears.
The risk is however, in sharing all that I can forget to mention the great times, and the successes along the way. I can forget to mention the day-after-the-hard-part-is-over. I can get caught up in the moment and the smiles and the joy in having the great that comes, as sure as low tide follows high.
So I'll share today, because it was just about perfect.
It's always better with Craig home, even if for a few hours. He will always put aside everything to spend time with the kids when they have missed him, which is wonderful. It reminds me of how blessed I truly am. Even though he had to leave at 2:30 this afternoon and he won't get to spend time with the kids until Monday afternoon, they were more settled and happy just to be with him.
And I was able to wear comfortable clothes, that I'd probably never wear outside the house, and sew while having conversations with each of the children, as they stopped by, between activities they found for themselves this afternoon.
As the rain started, and a few children trickled inside to play leaving others to make forts in the rain, they found one another and I realised all at once that although I thought a slow and more peaceful life was impossible, I had found a moment in time that was. My slow Saturday was just the gift I needed. It was my breathing space in which the outside world had no hold on. And it was lovely.
Maybe all the busyness is crazy. But if nothing else, it has helped me to truly appreciate the time I am given to be still and peaceful.
For that I am thankful.
Here are some photos of our day.
Jen.x
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