Memories. Children and the growing up that I love and hate.

There is this wonderful thing found in having children. It's called growing up.

There is a terribly hard thing found in having children. It's called growing up.

As I watch my cuties daily, it's hard to see the growing and changing. It happens slowly, without warning. Until I blink. And then yesterday is suddenly years ago.

And then there are those moments that I find myself confronted with the growing up, in all it's amazing wonder and I-can't-believe-we-made-it-here feelings. There is that overwhelming feeling of happiness and gratitude to have made it through the difficult times. Then there is remembering times that will forever be crystallised as moments of pure joy, connected to that incredible feeling of my heart bursting out of my chest. Those moments feel like they can never be matched.

All of these wonderful feelings are always there when I look back.

But there is another feeling that I struggle with. It's that brief, niggling feeling of sadness, that is very real and there, not because of anything sad really. It's that sad-through-smiling feeling that comes from moving on, never to return again. It's the deep knowing that comes from moments that are truly gone.

As I spent time today taking photos of Term 4 2014 artwork and school work and writing and everything my children created, I had far too much time to think. My mind went back to the moments they each created their work or proudly showed me finished items. I continued to take photos, and place the items in the rubbish bag. Over and over. Smiling. Remembering. And that sigh, knowing those times are over.

Yet again I was faced with the reality of moments lived becoming memories. And so quickly.

All the moments I live are never to return.

The memories, in all the incredible rawness, the heart-breaking hurts, the sweetness, the you-are-the-best-mummy bits, the midnight adventures, the tears, the smiling-till-it-hurts, the too-hard days, the hugs that feel never-ending. And then there are the in-between nothing days that I once thought I'd be glad to leave behind, but five children on, know one day I will want back.

I know I will.

I know I will because of the little you-are-my-world smile of Jack's that disappeared. I know because of the rest-of-the-world-ceases-to-exist feeling, I was privileged to feel each time Henry needed me to lay snuggled up beside him to fall asleep, is over. I know because Isabel and Lucy no longer sit together reading pretend stories to each other, giggling. It has been such a challenging 11 years, and many times I felt I would never see light again. It has been incredibly hard. I remember being told so many times that my actions then would mean that I'd be doing something forever. But it all ended. Each hard time ended, leaving wisps of memories that will forever have me smiling through threatening tears.

A few months ago Daisy's Paediatrician warned me that if I continued to give Daisy a bottle at night she would never stop. I nodded and listened. I have learnt over the years to 'smile and nod' quite well. But I was thinking to myself how I'd love it to be true. The scared mum I was with Jack, worried that each stage wouldn't never end, is long gone. Left in her place is a mum who holds onto each moment as it passes knowing it will be over too soon, never to be repeated again. A few more months snuggled in a rocker with a toddler will disappear in a heart beat. And there is no way in the world I will rush them to be over.

The only always with my children is love and change. I will always love them and they will always grow and change.

Having a front row seat through the growing up moments is such a wonderful gift. And I will continue to be thankful for each amazing and challenging experience. Although sometimes it will be with a smile and a lump in my throat.

And I will endeavour to love them through each new memory we create together.
Evermore.

Jen.x

Why DIY renovating is worth it. Beyond the finished result.

There is no way around it: renovating an area of your home without tradespeople is hard work. Really hard work. When kids are added to the mix it involves some creative parenting ideas and usually very late nights. Adding five children to renovating has been incredibly tough for Craig and I, but with finances stretched to meet the needs of our family, and needing a house big enough to (barely) fit us all, in a family friendly area, sacrifices have to be made. One such sacrifice is buying a house that requires renovating, and then doing these renovations ourselves. I do have to say though, that we actually enjoy the rush of it all. The Block would be easy in comparison!

While painting into the early hours of the morning, I kept myself awake chatting with Craig and thinking about many distracting things. One important thing that came to mind was: how does renovating by ourselves benefit our family? Below is a list that I created while finishing the undercoat in the laundry.

By the way, I'm loving the home we are creating and feel entirely blessed to have it:)

Benefits of renovating:

1) A finished result that suits our family perfectly. We don't have to put up with the perfect another family created. I researched and spent a huge amount of time deciding on plans for the laundry. Some compromises have had to be made to adjust the cost, but it is lovely compared to what it was before!

2) My children see a united front. Renovating is one very visual reminder that Craig and I are in this together. We talk about the whole project in terms of 'we' and I can tell they love it. We work together. We are very much on the same page and achieve something together. Teamwork and laughing and fun and discussions= relationship building. This is really important to the fabric of our family. Weekends away never ever happen, dinner out is rare for us, BUT we can spend a lot of time together chatting while renovating.

3) Renovating often requires learning new skills. These skills are often completely unknown and challenging. It is great for children to see their parents actually learning and failing and trying again. Parents tell their children that this cycle is worthwhile and this is one way for them to see it in action.

4) A break from the mundane. When life feels like it is all about the washing and meal preparation, a break can be as good as a holiday. Renovating will certainly provide this change in spades. In fact it will change the way life is done for a while!

5) It helps with the appreciation of what feels sometimes like a repetitive day to day life. Following on from the last point, altering the way general living takes place can help with realising how awesome the everyday mundane actually is. It's all too easy to take life for granted. Renovating can provide a swift reality check.

6) Sometimes people do things just to say they have done them. It's that 'I really did it!!!' feeling. Jumping out of a plane. Walking over a path of hot coals. Giving birth. Whatever! Renovating absolutely fits in here.

7) Renovators join the renovators club. All those who have renovated before will nod along empathetically when ever someone who is in the throws of renovating starts to speak. There is an instant bond amongst us, and we have a language all our own. Stories aplenty are encouraged and shared. The best part is that these stories are timeless and ageless, and can be told for years to come.

8) Renovating can help children to see true gender equality at work. So before Christmas there was a group that said parents shouldn't buy pink things for girls. Even if they like pink. Pffff! That is sooo going to solve everything, and telling little girls their favourite colour or toy is wrong will certainly make them feel empowered! (Insert sarcasm.) A much better idea might be to allow kids to actually see their parents living the way they say it should be. Want girls to believe women are capable of doing things traditionally labelled 'work for men?' Pick up a hammer. Or give tiling a go. All while dad gets the kids dinner and showers them ready for bed. Children believe and end up living what they experience. It all starts at home. And anyone who wants to like pink should be allowed to without being told it's wrong (down off my soap box.)

9) Renovating can show children what it is to be brave. It can be scary trying something new for the first time or stand up for what one believes is right. Kids know this for sure as they are trying new things all the time and are faced with many situations that challenge their own beliefs. Parents encourage their children, asking them to 'be brave and give it a go if you want to.' But how often do parents allow their children to see them do the same, stepping out into the new, challenging and difficult? Renovating will provide many opportunities for this.

10) Limits are found and a new appreciation for trades is discovered. No need to elaborate. Trades people, we LOVE you. Especially renderers. I hate rendering.

11) It is often cheaper. BUT that is only if the correct research is done, the work is done properly, trades are brought in for really tricky bits, corners are not cut, correct materials are sourced, etc. It's a lot of work and someone wanting a successful renovation has to be willing to put in the time and effort. It doesn't come easily. When everything is done correctly, careful budgeting takes place, extravagances are left out of the picture, and personal limits are acknowledged, it can be an experience that is kind to the bank balance. Probably.

12) It is just plain hilarious sometimes! It creates enough 'in' jokes to last for years. When life is getting far too serious (a.k.a. the school term) we only need to take a break from a "what are we going to do about this!" conversation, with a simple "remember when you....." Lightens the mood every time.

So renovating can be challenging (nice word for just plain hard, slightly impossible, work) but it certainly has it's up-side. Or at the very least I can tell myself that at 3am with a paint brush in my hand;)

Below are the Project Life pages I made about our Laundry renovation. For more on the renovation, look here for simple before and afters, or here for a detailed how-we-did-it version.

Jen.x

Slow Saturday. And why I choose to tell all.

So yesterday I had to vent.

Well I didn't really have to I guess, but I wanted to be clear. Honest. Because I am often told by others (with big smiles) that they love to hear that I don't have it all together.

I would never want anyone to think that I'm sitting here sewing in a perfectly clean house, with children smiling and saying "absolutely mum, what else can I do for you?" with a meal cooking in the oven, and laundry all put neatly away. It's just not reality. Not my reality at least.

As a mum of fewer children I often felt terrible after visiting others' houses, because I thought I was failing alone. I thought I was the only one who found parenting challenging. More than challenging: impossible to the point of tears some days. I thought I just needed to try harder, change my attitude, be more positive, or perhaps I was just not cut out to be this mum everyone else seemed to have no problem being perfect at.

And then a few people let their walls down. I did too.

I realised that everyone is struggling with something. The whole parenting gig is hard for all, whether people choose to show it or not. I now know about the 'everything's fine' face that all too often hides things that are just to hard to say without falling apart.

I now know that parenting is meant to be a challenge, because it helps me grow. It is often the thing that shows me exactly who I am, and I don't always like what I see. But then growth doesn't happen in easy times, does it? I have had to face up to the fact that I'm not always right, can be way too selfish, and need to open up to the possibility that there could be more out there. I now know that a completely safe and unchanging life isn't necessarily always the best. I now I can be and should be honest and be exactly who I am instead of trying to fit a mould that is a normal that I have come to realise just doesn't really exist. None of this happened through success, rather tears and challenges that I remember telling God he was wrong to believe I was capable of dealing with. As it turns out he was right. I am stronger than I knew myself to be. Choosing honesty and talking to those close to me helped me through these times.

As I had more children I also noticed that some children are simply more challenging than others too, requiring more time and energy, while others were simply happy to be and play. This is something I have shared time and time again with other parents who are at their wits end. I can tell that they think it is their 'fault' and are at that point where their confidence in their parenting is at rock bottom. I am only to happy to assure them: kids are different too. But more importantly, the things that are challenging now are there for a purpose. I know now that children grow and change too. The things that in the past created massive difficulties slowly became strengths, that may one day lead them to who they are meant to be. Sharing this has helped more parents than I can count, often to the point of tears.

The risk is however, in sharing all that I can forget to mention the great times, and the successes along the way. I can forget to mention the day-after-the-hard-part-is-over. I can get caught up in the moment and the smiles and the joy in having the great that comes, as sure as low tide follows high.

So I'll share today, because it was just about perfect.

It's always better with Craig home, even if for a few hours. He will always put aside everything to spend time with the kids when they have missed him, which is wonderful. It reminds me of how blessed I truly am. Even though he had to leave at 2:30 this afternoon and he won't get to spend time with the kids until Monday afternoon, they were more settled and happy just to be with him.

And I was able to wear comfortable clothes, that I'd probably never wear outside the house, and sew while having conversations with each of the children, as they stopped by, between activities they found for themselves this afternoon.

As the rain started, and a few children trickled inside to play leaving others to make forts in the rain, they found one another and I realised all at once that although I thought a slow and more peaceful life was impossible, I had found a moment in time that was. My slow Saturday was just the gift I needed. It was my breathing space in which the outside world had no hold on. And it was lovely.

Maybe all the busyness is crazy. But if nothing else, it has helped me to truly appreciate the time I am given to be still and peaceful.

For that I am thankful.

Here are some photos of our day.

Jen.x

Update: the girls room. Bunk beds and space!!! Love it.

We put the bunk bed together a while ago. It was toward the end of the school holidays so Craig and I insisted it was a two person job. It may have been so we could hide away from the kids for a while. Maybe.

Today I finally put the room together properly, sparked by the girls sudden insistence that all the Lego brand Lego had to be rotated out of their room and into storage in favour of the Hello Kitty lego and some of the Sylvania Families toys. I don't usually make them clean up their rooms, but rather get them to do other jobs that they are much more efficient with completing while I clean their rooms. Today however, because I had a terrible head ache this morning, I asked and insisted they get rid of all the rubbish and finish sorting the unmade Lego into the coloured containers (that they just had to have.) Craig took the kids out together to visit 'pebble beach' for some collecting, as he will be on afternoon shift for the next week. I gave me plenty of time to clean, rotate toys and arrange.

This is the result!

The girls received these doll houses for Christmas.

Seeing the quilts I made them from their baby clothes always makes me smile.

The little red boxes contain their special wooden dolls (inspired by Waldorf ideas.) These are still loved and played with over a year after the boxes were given to them. The girls like to create new outfits for the little dolls.

Oh my, how I love seeing the girls in love with their sewing baskets! These were must-keep-out items according to the girls:) We are still working on the putting-away-of-dangerous-items.

I'm still in love with the lamp I made for them so many months ago. It was lots of fun to make too.

Nothing really changed in their wardrobe, apart from the fact that it looks messy at the moment (I refuse to put their clothes away) but at some point I will need to do something about it to fit Daisy's clothes in.

This is where Daisy's cot will eventually go. For the moment it will be home to the Sylvanian treehouse.

I'm so very happy with this room now. It works much better than the previous redo of their room. And the girls adore the new layout and 'new' toys. To be completely honest though, they get excited about anything and everything. A new ream of paper for example. So it wasn't really a challenge to get their approval. What do you think?

Jen.x