Parents grow up along the way too.

We all know kids grow up. But being called "grown ups", it's easy to assume that by the time you are a parent, you have already pretty much done most of the growing up you are going to do. Right? Well I was pretty sure of that once upon a time. 5 almost 6 children ago that is.

Before we had Jack I felt pretty confident. I was a teacher. I knew kids. I had read books. I had gone to a course on babies. I had even practiced changing someones else's baby. That was going to be the hardest thing, wasn't it?

As I lay next to Daisy last night, watching her sleeping all night in my bed next her, I couldn't help thinking - the learning and growing really never does stop, does it? Something new after almost 13 years and 5 children. Having never had a child sleep all night in our bed (due to Craig sleeping too deeply - he was at work last night) it was yet another first with a toddler. I really did think I was all done with newness where toddlers were concerned, yet there I was, experiencing another.

Today, it got me thinking about the process of parenting, and how it so much reflects the growth of a child.

A little baby is born. A miracle. Suddenly all confidence and knowledge in your world seems inadequate. You are back at square one, feeling just as helpless as the little one in your arms. And there are tears. So many tears. Tears because you don't know what is going on. Tears because you know you can ask for help but the words just don't seem to be able to form and convey meaning to those around you. Tears because you are happy. Sad. Cranky. And have no idea when this stage is ever going to end and life will form any kind of rhythm or vibe that feels 'right' to you.

The baby stage for our babies is a baby stage for us too.

But it doesn't last forever. Babies grow. And funnily enough parents seem to grow too.

Toddlers find excitement in the smallest things. Something like parents and their over-the-top-joy about things that the rest of the world believe to be really quite simple. Things like sleep. Crawling. Walking. Eating. Leaving the house. Talking to other grown ups.

Toddlers also feel a bit more confident. They try new things. As their parents start to spread their own wings and attempt to find their own way past those difficult baby days. Just like toddlers, parents in this stage can be just as prone to tantrums too, although less likely to occur in public! Those days when everything seems to be going well, then no one sleeps, or food is thrown, or a partner questions clothes/hair/general house tidiness. Yep we all experience those tantrum moments, that in years to come, we look back and wonder how we let those little things bug us so much.

Those parenting toddler years are very up and down. Brilliant sunshine, and dark black clouds all on the same day. Glorious, boring, endearing, aimless, fun. Days last forever, but the years are very short.

Then come the preschool years. By this point confidence is at an all time high. The baby years are still close enough to remember sufficiently to give advice, but are far enough away that how hard it was has blurred a little. Parents have a better idea of how to navigate the world of parenting, as their preschooler is becoming a lot more secure about the world around them too. Things feel more comfortable, a little more predictable, although both know enough by now to realise that change is the biggest certainty.

As children look forward to starting school, so do parents. The next stage seems like it is right there waiting as the days crawl by to meet it, because both are more than ready, but not, all at the same time. They wonder what will become of their relationship, and fear - yet embrace - the notion of separation. A war goes on within as they come to grips with the reality that life as they know it will never be the same again.

And it won't.

School years arrive too soon, yet not soon enough, for parents and children alike. Both deal with surprises early on, in part at least because neither truly knew what to expect in the first place. It's all new. Just as children learn how to be part of their new world at school, so too do parents. Parents face the scary challenge of being with a bunch of people they may or may not like, but have to smile, take a breath, and just get on with them. For better or worse you will be together for a while. Parents reflect that they thought they were done with school yard issues when they left high school. Here they quickly learn that this is nowhere near true. For some it is easy. Others find it confronting and hard. Something like the little ones who are the reason they are there to begin with.

At some point both find their way to enjoy it. Or they struggle through waiting for the next stage to take it's place. This journey through the school years is a time of steady growth. Parents put all the angst of the before-school-time behind them. They have moved on to such a degree that when they hear new mums discussing sleep or breast feeding with great intensity, that they can't help thinking that that seems a lifetime away, and so insignificant now. You are beginning to learn something much harder now. Letting go. It suddenly feels more real to both of you. As you are growing up, you are growing closer - yet apart.

And then come the teenage years.

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm sure my growth as a parent isn't close to being done.

Yes, parents grow up somewhere along the way too, just like their children. It's difficult, scary, exciting, life altering, endurance testing, and just plain wonderful, all at the same time. But then growth is never easy, is it? But it's almost always worth it.

So as I contemplate the growth that I have experienced over the years due to parenting I can't help but think about what this next little life inside me will bring. So often I am told that it should be easy by now, having been there so many times before. I smile, because it's not, but it's difficult to explain why.

With this new baby I will go back to square one. I will be that new mum all over again because she will not be just another baby. She will be a new life in my care, very different from any other. I will feel a new weight of responsibility placed on me. Emotionally I will struggle yet again to deal with the responsibility, because I won't know what is best for her. Not yet. Maybe not ever. All certainty will dissolve in the tears of two lives getting to know the world all over again.

The sky will even seem to be a new blue. And it will be, because everything is new again.

But there is one thing I do know.

Right at that moment when the clock resets, and I start to grow in a new way all over again, facing the many difficulties, trials and mistakes - I will experience a miracle.

I'll look into her eyes and know with absolute certainty that it will all be worth the life altering ride ahead. Love always is.

Jen.x