Parents grow up along the way too.

We all know kids grow up. But being called "grown ups", it's easy to assume that by the time you are a parent, you have already pretty much done most of the growing up you are going to do. Right? Well I was pretty sure of that once upon a time. 5 almost 6 children ago that is.

Before we had Jack I felt pretty confident. I was a teacher. I knew kids. I had read books. I had gone to a course on babies. I had even practiced changing someones else's baby. That was going to be the hardest thing, wasn't it?

As I lay next to Daisy last night, watching her sleeping all night in my bed next her, I couldn't help thinking - the learning and growing really never does stop, does it? Something new after almost 13 years and 5 children. Having never had a child sleep all night in our bed (due to Craig sleeping too deeply - he was at work last night) it was yet another first with a toddler. I really did think I was all done with newness where toddlers were concerned, yet there I was, experiencing another.

Today, it got me thinking about the process of parenting, and how it so much reflects the growth of a child.

A little baby is born. A miracle. Suddenly all confidence and knowledge in your world seems inadequate. You are back at square one, feeling just as helpless as the little one in your arms. And there are tears. So many tears. Tears because you don't know what is going on. Tears because you know you can ask for help but the words just don't seem to be able to form and convey meaning to those around you. Tears because you are happy. Sad. Cranky. And have no idea when this stage is ever going to end and life will form any kind of rhythm or vibe that feels 'right' to you.

The baby stage for our babies is a baby stage for us too.

But it doesn't last forever. Babies grow. And funnily enough parents seem to grow too.

Toddlers find excitement in the smallest things. Something like parents and their over-the-top-joy about things that the rest of the world believe to be really quite simple. Things like sleep. Crawling. Walking. Eating. Leaving the house. Talking to other grown ups.

Toddlers also feel a bit more confident. They try new things. As their parents start to spread their own wings and attempt to find their own way past those difficult baby days. Just like toddlers, parents in this stage can be just as prone to tantrums too, although less likely to occur in public! Those days when everything seems to be going well, then no one sleeps, or food is thrown, or a partner questions clothes/hair/general house tidiness. Yep we all experience those tantrum moments, that in years to come, we look back and wonder how we let those little things bug us so much.

Those parenting toddler years are very up and down. Brilliant sunshine, and dark black clouds all on the same day. Glorious, boring, endearing, aimless, fun. Days last forever, but the years are very short.

Then come the preschool years. By this point confidence is at an all time high. The baby years are still close enough to remember sufficiently to give advice, but are far enough away that how hard it was has blurred a little. Parents have a better idea of how to navigate the world of parenting, as their preschooler is becoming a lot more secure about the world around them too. Things feel more comfortable, a little more predictable, although both know enough by now to realise that change is the biggest certainty.

As children look forward to starting school, so do parents. The next stage seems like it is right there waiting as the days crawl by to meet it, because both are more than ready, but not, all at the same time. They wonder what will become of their relationship, and fear - yet embrace - the notion of separation. A war goes on within as they come to grips with the reality that life as they know it will never be the same again.

And it won't.

School years arrive too soon, yet not soon enough, for parents and children alike. Both deal with surprises early on, in part at least because neither truly knew what to expect in the first place. It's all new. Just as children learn how to be part of their new world at school, so too do parents. Parents face the scary challenge of being with a bunch of people they may or may not like, but have to smile, take a breath, and just get on with them. For better or worse you will be together for a while. Parents reflect that they thought they were done with school yard issues when they left high school. Here they quickly learn that this is nowhere near true. For some it is easy. Others find it confronting and hard. Something like the little ones who are the reason they are there to begin with.

At some point both find their way to enjoy it. Or they struggle through waiting for the next stage to take it's place. This journey through the school years is a time of steady growth. Parents put all the angst of the before-school-time behind them. They have moved on to such a degree that when they hear new mums discussing sleep or breast feeding with great intensity, that they can't help thinking that that seems a lifetime away, and so insignificant now. You are beginning to learn something much harder now. Letting go. It suddenly feels more real to both of you. As you are growing up, you are growing closer - yet apart.

And then come the teenage years.

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm sure my growth as a parent isn't close to being done.

Yes, parents grow up somewhere along the way too, just like their children. It's difficult, scary, exciting, life altering, endurance testing, and just plain wonderful, all at the same time. But then growth is never easy, is it? But it's almost always worth it.

So as I contemplate the growth that I have experienced over the years due to parenting I can't help but think about what this next little life inside me will bring. So often I am told that it should be easy by now, having been there so many times before. I smile, because it's not, but it's difficult to explain why.

With this new baby I will go back to square one. I will be that new mum all over again because she will not be just another baby. She will be a new life in my care, very different from any other. I will feel a new weight of responsibility placed on me. Emotionally I will struggle yet again to deal with the responsibility, because I won't know what is best for her. Not yet. Maybe not ever. All certainty will dissolve in the tears of two lives getting to know the world all over again.

The sky will even seem to be a new blue. And it will be, because everything is new again.

But there is one thing I do know.

Right at that moment when the clock resets, and I start to grow in a new way all over again, facing the many difficulties, trials and mistakes - I will experience a miracle.

I'll look into her eyes and know with absolute certainty that it will all be worth the life altering ride ahead. Love always is.

Jen.x

Winter evening routine.

As a parent I have gained a clear understanding of one definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. 

I was told early on that I just needed was to be consistent. Now I realise that while this is true at times, it is very untrue if what I am doing just doesn't fit well with my children, Craig or I. I have learnt the hard way that some things don't work for us no matter how much I would like them to, even though the very same things might be wonderful for another family. 

Every family is different.

Keeping this in mind, I am still the mum that you will always find asking other parents how they handle certain things. Dinner. Afternoons. Getting to school on time. Extra-curricular activities. Screen time. Bed time. Because I am interested, and I know that although what they have to say is rarely a cookie-cutter-perfect answer for us, there is often wisdom that I CAN apply to the way things run in my own home.

Parenting and running a household is HARD. Very hard. No matter what type of parenting philosophy, number of children, work situation, home, or financial situation you are in. Facebook statuses may very much show me the opposite when viewed all together, but I know because I am very open with others, that pretty much every parent agrees it is challenging.

So why not take advantage of the hard won wisdom other parents have gained I say!!! I'm only too happy to share, as I am so very grateful for what others have told me.

Today, our evening routine. 

Evening routine sounds so pleasant doesn't it. Which is wrong really. A more appropriate term would perhaps be 'Parenting battle strategy for those hours parents would rather skip'. If you already have a lovely routine or rhythm to your evenings that just works, then this isn't for you. 

Note that the following routine is not a strict schedule, but rather a rhythm that we follow. Times are adjusted to fit the day, weather and moods (mine included). 

Winter evening routine:

3:05/10 ~ Arrive home from school.

Snacks are eaten and are almost always the same thing: a piece of fruit and maybe a handful of nuts or a couple of biscuits. At least twice a week I will have someone complain, to which I remind them that it is a SNACK not a MEAL. If they have more, then certain children won't eat dinner. Sometimes I'll have to sneak Daisy another biscuit at 5:30, as this is really the best time for toddlers to eat, but is a bit too early for my older kids.

3:15 ~ Outside time!

After being inside so much during the day, writing and working hard, the kids NEED time to be free. For the most part there are very few rules outside other than to be kind and don't break anything. This last rule is not adhered to very well however. I'm not overly precious about anything outside apart from the washing on the line. They know better than to go anywhere near it. I will have to go outside now and then to challenge the thought process behind certain endeavours such as skateboards on the trampolines or why throwing balls on the roof on purpose is just as bad as throwing bats up there. If someone comes to the back door complaining about someone else I make both children wait until it is sorted out (nothing is ever one sided), so they generally try to sort things out themselves if they can. 

Many times they claim to not want to go outside. Here I am perhaps the mean parent. I tell them they are going out anyway, and can choose to have fun or sit and sulk. I always had to play outdoors after school and can now see the benefit to me: health, creativity, problem solving, learning to get along with others, learning to compromise, and having a world my parents weren't really part of to enjoy. No matter how much they protest, they always end up finding something fun to do within 10 minutes of going out.

If Craig is home we will have a cuppa and chat. Or I'll get the washing in. Or about a billion things that need to be done! Some days I am not here (work or tutoring), but whoever is here follows the same routine.

4:30 ~ Mon to Thurs Jack and Isabel come inside to do homework. I try to spend some time working specifically with Isabel.

4:45 ~ Mon to Thurs Lucy and Henry come inside to do homework (Daisy can play, but usually chooses a craft activity or drawing/colouring at the table alongside Lucy and Henry). They must be at the table for 15 minutes at least, which means Henry has other work, besides homework given at school, to do. He loves Maths so I often have an activity ready for him.

5:00 to 5:15 ~ At some point before 5:15 Henry, Lucy and Isabel finish homework. They then have 45 minutes to have a shower, tidy up anything they have used (reminded by me), and play inside. They can choose quiet activities only, like lego etc or iPad/leappad. This is their only screen use for the day, so they are generally pretty motivated to get in and out of the shower, which is awesome as we are making dinner at this point. Most of the time they only spend 15 minutes on the Leappad/iPad before dinner is ready.

5:30 ~ Jack, as above for the other children, although he showers in the laundry away from the others by choice.

6:00 ~ Dinner.

Then after dinner, teeth are brushed and kids can play quietly (no running or ball sports inside!) after completing their one job each. Jack unpacks and packs the dishwasher, Isabel sweeps the kitchen and dining room, Lucy wipes the table, and Henry takes the recycling out (he often has already done this before his shower). Sometimes this goes well, other times it is a battle. We have just implemented a "Minus 5 minute" rule. For every time they whinge and complain about the job or are deliberately being silly and dragging it out ridiculously, they end up with lights out 5 minutes earlier. Other children sharing the room can read in the playroom so they are not penalised. I'm not eager to reduce reading time, but I was sick of yelling and arguing. This is working brilliantly. For now at least!

7:00 ~ Lamps on only in bedrooms from now on. Henry reads reader and a parent reads to Henry and Daisy (and anyone else who wants to listen in). The other kids sometimes join in, but are most of the time too interested in the book they are reading to want to get out of bed. At this point everyone is expected to be in bed, or sitting with the parent in the bedroom. Living areas are now forbidden. Henry and Daisy read books in their own beds after parent finishes reading.

7:30 ~ Henry is usually ready for a kiss goodnight, and will often fall asleep even if Jack has his lamp still on. 

8:00 ~ Girls room lamp is turned out and goodnight kisses given.

8:30 ~ Jack's lamp is turned out.

It can be difficult to get Daisy to lay down and go to sleep. She just wants to make the other girls laugh. It is improving though. The boys usually go to sleep with no problems.

Variations: 

Tuesday Lucy has dance so dinner is later, and she catches up with homework another day. Jack has martial arts 7-8 so has a shower when he returns. He is usually sensible enough to know whether he is too tired for reading after that or not, so sometimes his bedtime is later.

Isabel has flute Thursdays so she has less outside time or sometimes we push her homework back to starting with the younger kids and finishing at the same time as Jack. 

Fridays (Henry has soccer, Jack has youth group), Saturdays and Sundays there is no homework so they all play outside much longer, usually until 5 or even as late as 5:45. On these days the kids sometimes do painting or other messy activities outside.

Ages of children:

This greatly affects the routine!!! If you would like to know what I have done in the past, just ask. For now, this is the ages of my children: Daisy 2, Henry 6, Lucy 8, Isabel 10, Jack 12.

*As I wrote above, this is NOT a strict schedule.* It would be too hard to adhere to exact times. But having the same general rhythm really is great. We all know what to expect and I do not have to be constantly answering questions about what we are doing next. As an added bonus, having regular meal and snack times is great for children as their hunger window is only about 20 minutes, which means they all eat at least some of their dinner.

Now it's your turn! Share! What is your evening routine? Or if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Jen.x

When you are worried about your child.

As a very honest parent of 5 children with one on the way, and a teacher who has worked in learning support for a number of years, many parents feel really comfortable asking me questions.

And I don't mind one bit.

Because I know. I've been there. And I'm not about to pretend otherwise.

There is no judgement, only empathy.

Lately I have been hearing the same questions asked over and over. They are asked tentatively. Parents are often very unsure. They are often afraid. Not of answers. Never answers. They are desperate for answers. But of feeling like they are being silly, or making a big deal about nothing, or being overprotective. They don't want to waste anyones' time.

Worst of all, they think that maybe it is just something they are doing wrong as a parent.

This kills me.

Not only because I think that being concerned in the first place shows just how amazing a parent they are, but because I know that feeling all too well. It can be crippling.

So here goes. These are the questions and statements that often start the tough conversations.

• My child can't seem to keep up at school.
• He/she just doesn't seem to understand Maths/English/reading/writing/adding/etc.
• My child is staying awake at night worried that they can't do________.
• She/he is coming home upset every day because it's too hard to concentrate.
• I know there are kids who find learning so difficult. I shouldn't even worry, but even though it's not a big problem I can see his/her confidence beginning to suffer.
• My child won't stop saying they are bad at Maths/reading. I just don't know what to do or say anymore.
• The school is doing a great job helping my child, but I feel more needs to be done. I just don't know what.
• Should I take him/her to see a specialist? Where do I even start? Don't I need a referral?
• I am worried that he/she is falling further and further behind.
• The teachers have said not to worry, but I just can't stop. I know my child and I know that they are not coping. The teacher doesn't see how he/she is as a result of school.
• I tell my child we are all good at different things. And he/she is!!! But he/she has a small problem with _________. It doesn't seem to be going away. I don't know what to next. Should I accept that he/she will just never be good at it?
• He/she holds it together all day and we have terrible evenings as a result. I can't take much more.
• This isn't a big problem, I know. I probably shouldn't even be worried! But I can't shake the thought that something is being missed. Something just isn't quite right.
• Is her worrying normal?
• Am I just wasting someone's time going to see them?
• I encourage my child in every way, but I see that they just don't believe they are able to do as well as other children.
• Can you give me advice on where to go for help?
• I am worried there may be something wrong with my child. 

I could go on.

My answer is almost always going to be the same. So if you have these questions bubbling inside, this is for you.

You know your child.

You know your child and you know there is something not quite right. If there wasn't, you wouldn't be feeling what you are feeling right now. And these questions would not feel at all familiar.

You know it's time to do something. You know that it is time to find out whether there is a problem or not. It's always the time, because waiting rarely accomplishes anything in these situations other than creating more anxious parents and children experiencing more frustration.

Your child knows what you think. They know how you feel. They feel your worry too. And they would give anything to see the end of it. They may not always act like it, but they want nothing more than to please you, and it is hard for them knowing that that is just something they don't know how to do right now.

Your child wants to do better. They want to feel differently. They want to feel successful. They want to know that they 'can'. But right now they are stuck at 'I can't'. They need help to move forward. They need to know that asking for help is a good thing. They need to know that everyone needs help with something at some stage. They don't want to feel so alone in their struggle. They want to feel there is a way out.

There is a chance that continuing to do nothing and waiting can help. It might. Sometimes problems with children do just disappear. Some problems can be too much worry about nothing. And maybe you will go and seek help only to feel like you made a big deal about nothing. Maybe you are.

But what are you willing to risk.

When considering whether or not to do something with my children I follow each worst case scenario right to the end. And choose. I choose which end I would be happy to experience with no regrets, if I absolutely had to.

On one hand: you seek help and find out you are being ridiculous. You are blowing all of this out of proportion. You are just a terrible parent who needs parenting lessons. Every specialist rolls their eyes and tells you that your child is absolutely completely normal and you have just wasted their time and your money. You walk away feeling humiliated. You were wrong. Completely wrong. And you will have to live your life knowing you made this mistake.

On the other hand. You choose not to seek help. You wait. Years pass. Eventually you are forced to seek help and you find out your feelings all those years ago were right. You were right and you did nothing. Your child has suffered in the meantime. They now have problems beyond the original ones due to the years of wasted opportunities to help your child. They missed years of appointments with specialists and tutors who could have helped, who could have made a difference. Teachers along the way have never been able to accommodate for your child's special needs, because they didn't know- they were never given suggestions, so your child has continued to believe it is just them. They feel that they are beyond hope. They tell you that they are just 'dumb', which is sadly better than what they tell themselves when they are alone. You feel like you should have done more. You wish you had been braver. You wish you had followed your instincts. You know you would give anything to go back and do something. Do anything. But you can't. And now you will have to live with the knowledge that you were wrong to do nothing.

Worst case scenarios I know. These are rarely the reality we experience, but I know which I'd be happy to live with if I had to.

When it comes down to it, I will happily do anything for my children. I will give them what they need. I will be there when they need me.

And I will gladly be the crazy parent willing to be completely wrong and humiliate myself for my child. I have put myself in that position before and I will gladly do it again.

I took one child to 3 different optometrists over a couple years. I'm sure the 4th, this time a behavioural optometrist, may have rolled her eyes. Then an eye muscle problem was found, new glasses were given to relax her eye muscles. But I didn't stop there. Things improved, but 6 months later I took her back, because there were still issues. I could tell. I sat through another appointment (thinking I was perhaps making a big deal about nothing!) until I saw her unable to complete a practice question for a visual processing test. My heart sunk. Moments later though, her specialist thought to recheck the strength of her glasses, as her eye muscles were finally behaving normally. 5 increases in her glasses' strength later, she restarted the visual processing test easily, receiving results 3 yrs beyond her age level.

Her school results were average. She had no behaviour problems in class, and never complained about her eyes (to her they were normal!) She had already seen many people. I could have left it at that. I could have left her unknowingly struggling to see. But I didn't. I risked being told I was making a big about nothing, and now I have a daughter who loves to read, can finally use punctuation, and is learning how to spell. Best of all, her confidence continues to grow, and my concern has disappeared. My only regret is that I didn't push more sooner.

I choose not to live in regret however. I choose to not only learn from my experiences, but also share them in the hope that other parents will never have a single regret. I share so that every child has the opportunity to receive the help they need. Even if that help is a tiny amount needed.

What next?

Stop googling and trying to solve the problem alone. If you are turning to Google for the same problem over and over, stop, and seek professional help. Google doesn't know your child. You might stumble upon an answer, but realistically you are more likely to find help elsewhere. Note that the internet can be helpful later on after seeing specialists (through online support groups, helpful FB pages, and Pinterest collections of activities to help with specific issues).

Speak to your child's teacher. Honestly. No skirting around the issue. No minimising or exaggerating or worrying about judgement from them. Plain and simple honesty. Trust me when I say they know your child very well too. Working together may be all that is needed. If you feel better after speaking with them, walk away determined to give their suggestions a go. Trust the teacher. If he/she points you in the direction of specialists, make the calls and follow through with attending appointments. Then go and see them after the appointments. If you are not happy with the teacher's response, go back and see them again.

Make the call you have been thinking about for a while. If you have been thinking about the possible need for a specialist consult over a period of time and you are still thinking about it, call. This can include but is not limited to psychologists, speech therapists,  behavioural optometrists, paediatricians, doctors, occupational therapists, audiologists, physiotherapists.

I hope you find the answers you and your child need, and also the peace that can be found with them.
Jen.x

Simplifying. Time and freedom.

Yesterday was a great day. It was a hard day, but great at the same time.

Yesterday we finally said goodbye to all the delayed decisions, and in the process discovered some very important things.

But let me go back a step.

We moved into our current home five and a half years ago. We moved from a tiny house with no garage to a home with four bedrooms, two livings areas and a study. Not to mention a massive garage, storage room, and underhouse storage area. Over the years many furniture items and other things have been replaced. Our new home had a very different living area with many windows and doors, so our furniture just didn't work. We added another family member. Kids started school. Craig has worked endless shift work. I had a operation and another pregnancy. It was insanely busy.

We tried hard to keep on top of everything, especially in the rooms we live in every day (which are mostly organised). BUT as time went on we begun to notice something: the storage areas were becoming more useful. Instead of deciding what to do with some items we put them downstairs to deal with later. Perhaps we might find another use for them? What if we need the item later? We didn't need to deal with the item immediately because we had plenty of space. After all storage should be used, right?

I have been reading about simplifying for a couple of years now. We have streamlined much around our home and in our lifestyle. We have a school notes 'spot', a great mudroom which has certainly taken the stress out of having 4 at school, the kitchen isn't all packed in (there is cupboard space), hand soap is the only item on the vanity in our bathroom, the children are down to one extracurricular activity each, and the laundry is fantastic.

Lately, with many other stresses invading my life, I began to feel overwhelmed with our home again. It took a little while to determine the cause. It was the storage. And toys.

My wonderful sister is the very best at getting rid of 'stuff'. She can look past all the what-ifs and make wise decisions on what is really needed. And she is very tough. She agreed to help me! My brother in law came along to help Craig with the muscle work.

The big decision was what to do with everything. We could have put it all up for sale. It would have been the wisest decision, especially considering I don't have any work past April and I am having a sixth baby.

But I just couldn't.

You see we have been amazingly blessed as a family. Every time we have had disaster strike, incredible things have happened. I couldn't ignore that.

I wanted all the things we no longer had need for, to go to families that really did need these items. So instead we listed a 'free to all' advertisement on Facebook and waited.

We saw many grateful faces, on parents and children alike. The amount of items that were collected in one day was astounding. At least three quarters of the toys we had in storage were given away. One child of mine came downstairs to check on what was happening, and was worried. That is until I asked her to tell me what was missing. She couldn't name one item.

That confirmed it for me: these items that meant little more than a bit of security to us, meant so much more for others. 

However, the best part came later.

This morning I woke up feeling lighter. Happier. And feeling free!

It can not be underestimated how much the 'stuff' in our lives can weigh us down and stress us out. It might seem strange, but letting go actually adds to life. Space, and less maintenance of 'things' means life can be filled with what is so much more important. Taking ourselves back to what we need, and what "sparks joy" (read Marie Kondo!!) can give us the gift of time and freedom.

It's not until I experienced this is a really big way was I able to completely comprehend it.

I urge you to take a moment to consider: what are you holding onto that would mean more to someone else, and freedom for yourself, by letting it go?

I'm going to leave you with a quote (that a lovely friend posted for me!) It really steeled my resolve to part with all that didn't add to our life as a family. I will continue to re-read it, because we are still not done. But after my experience, instead of feeling daunted, I can't wait to continue our journey!

"Your home should be the antidote to stress. Not the cause." - Peter Walsh.

Have you ever decided to part with a whole heap of items all at once? How did you feel afterwards? Do you need to have a big clear out or part with some items that are not adding to your life? How do you plan to do it? Share your simplifying stories! We all do things differently and your story may just help another person out there....

Jen.x