The life I wanted.

This afternoon we went to the beach. We were all tired and cranky, and very over the week past. Freedom by the waves, allowing us to just be ourselves, sounded like the perfect solution. The sun was slowly setting after we had walked the regular distance we walk, but we kept walking. It just wasn't enough. We needed more peace and time, so we walked far. So far that it was night time well before we made it back to the car.

We walked on towards the light. Children laughing and playing in little light, one drawing a continuous line of different shapes as the others giggled and followed. One child walking silently beside me, and one on Craig's shoulders, almost touching the stars. The sounds of the ocean a constant in the background, while watching the foam lap the shore, with the tiny lights of the city far beyond.

Memories floated in with the tide, and before long one memory - long forgotten - took hold.

It was like remembering the memory belonging to a different person. And in a way, I was. I was so very different from who I am now.

It was an evening much like this one. Darkness on the beach, only this time with friends. I walked a little way alone, a small distance from the group. In the momentary solitude I walked along, wondering what my life would be like. I walked silently filled with hope, curiosity and anticipation. I couldn't wait for life to start.

I hadn't yet realised that the life I was waiting to start, was one I was already living. But I was excited and there was so much ahead of me.

I imagined the life I wanted. Success to be sure. Money. A career. And it went without saying: a husband who would adore me and shower me with gifts. It was all I wanted, this very narrow view of what my wonderful life would hold.

A different person. I couldn't help laughing at what I once valued and was striving to achieve, far from what I value now.

But then so much has happened since then. A change of heart about my university degree, meeting my now-husband while I was still so young, and having a child, not to mention the four children that followed, has changed me incredibly. I don't recognise the person I once was.

I no longer measure my life based on ideals that I once thought were so very important. I no longer believe that I am waiting to live the life I want. I no longer think success can even truly be measured, or even needed, to live an amazing life. I now know that life doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be about achieving. It doesn't have to be anything really. My life is a collection of the moments I choose to live right now, full of love, hard work, everyday simplicity, challenges, and all the emotions I never would have believed possible.

As I walked along the beach tonight, almost 20 years older, and much wiser, I felt so very blessed. The moment I was living was really all I wanted. And that is the greatest gift I could ever be given: to be entirely content where I was at that moment, with no 'if only-s' clouding my mind or view. I knew right then that I didn't need to see the whole world to know I had the best for me right there.

When I think about the future lives of my children, I hope they will find love and happiness and so much more. But what I hope oh so much, is that at some point in their lives they stand, just as I did tonight, and realise they actually have all the world has to offer right there with them. I hope they find themselves completely content where they are, valuing all in their lives, from the simple to extraordinary.

I couldn't be happier that the naive girl I once was, grew up to live a completely different life than the one she imagined for herself. I may get tired, cranky, irritated and overwhelmed. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Mixed in there is the wonderful, the lovely, the awesome and the contentedness, wrapped in the memories that make up the simple life I choose and re-choose to live every single day.

Jen.x

Meal planning 101

I really don't enjoy cooking dinner. Every night I would dread my children asking me what we would be eating. With Craig working shift work and the rhythm of our home constantly changing, things were just chaos some nights.

Something needed to change. Especially my attitude, but also practically.

I liked the notion of just getting to cook whatever I felt like. Problem being: I never felt like anything, because I am just about the fussiest eater in the entire world. I total understand difficult two year olds who don't like certain foods. My kids shake their heads at me refusing to eat peas, except Lucy. She is on team 'no peas' too.

So I eventually had to just put my big girl panties on and jump into doing something to solve our evening disasters. And I am pleased (no, ecstatic!!!!) to say I think we have, thanks to one small piece of paper a week.

Now I have tried meal planning before and had success when I had fewer children, a more convenient grocery store, and no after school activities (actually I think it was before the kids were at school). Moving house, the kids at school and all the activities, left me unable to concentrate and think about how to go about meal planning. It seemed just way too hard to sit down once a week, look over the week and try to think about what I could cook. I would sit down trying to remember what we had on, when we would be home, and then what I could make, and would come up blank: what do I cook???

Finally I came to the following method, which has been a life saver, and even a money saver (although that was not the plan at the beginning). My sanity has been restored and I never have to hear the words "what's for dinner?" again. YAY!!!!!!

The first time you do this it will take a good half hour or more. After that, perhaps 5 or 10 minutes at most, including your grocery list.

Meal planning 101:

1) Buy or make a simple meal plan sheet, with a space for each day.

I bought this one from Kikki K. It has a detachable shopping list which I LOVE, because as the week progresses I can add incidental items I will need to pick up when next grocery shopping. At the planning stage I add the meal related items we need. As the list is attached, I don't lose it. Next week's list is attached to this week's plan, if that makes sense.


2) Look at your weekly calendar and decide how much time you have to cook each evening.

Be realistic, not generous with allowing time. Note these times down quickly. Also add the words "very tired" to days you KNOW you will not be cooking anything too flash.




3) Decide on a theme that fits the time allowed for each night.

Based on the amount of time for prep during the day, and evening, choose something that can be cooked. For example, if there is time during the day to cup up salads, but only 15 minutes to cook in the evenings, this would be a great night to have wraps. Then on a weekly basis you only have to choose what type of wrap/meat/salads.

These are our current categories:

Monday: Wrap night.

Tuesday: Pasta ~ Favourites (that Craig can cook/start)

Wednesday: Eggs for the kids, take out (usually Thai) for us

Thursday: Rice & quinoa ~ Favourites or something new! New ideas can be tried, especially ones that can be prepared during the day.

Friday: Soup or salads, with home made sour dough bread.

Saturday: Bacon included meal.

Sunday: Something frozen, with vegetables.








4) Choose something quickly for each category.

Write this down on your plan.

5) Write down any items needed from the grocery store.

Shop for these items. OR note down to grab them from your garden. I'm loving having a vegetable garden again. But that is another story altogether. We have reduced our weekly purchases significantly through our term Costco shopping, where I buy many of the pantry staples, paper/plastic products and toiletries.

You will notice that in an ongoing way, each week you will only need to do steps 4 and 5, which is why it is so easy from then on. If I do decide to change my mind about what I am cooking, I at least know with a quick glance what ingredients I will have set aside for that day.

This has turned out to be a big money saver because we are wasting a great deal less food, and having less take away. The time I have gained by no longer having to think about dinner during the day has been the greatest benefit though. Meal planning has created much needed head space to focus on other important things.


How do you organise what you are having for dinner each week? What are some other options for nightly categories?

Jen.x

5 Tips Friday: Begin to be more organised

Don't get me wrong here: I am not completely organised. BUT I have had lots of practice moving in the direction of being more organised. I do find it easy to look at a space and see how it can just 'work' for us, although time is often my enemy in achieving all I want to. It's helping me to learn patience, I am well aware.

The creative side of me is often at war with my organised side. I LOVE to suddenly decide to do something, like go to the beach, paint with the kids, buy some plants and plant them together, go wandering somewhere as a family, make a new dress for one of the girls, or make a quilt, and go instantly. Just because. The thing is, with 5 kids none of these things would ever happen without me being generally organised, because all our time would be wasted doing boring stuff like looking for school notes, buying clothes that have nothing to go with them, replacing stuff we can't find, or trying to deal with a million last minute things that we forgot.

The more children that have been added to our family, the more necessary organisation has become. I often think that I wish I knew what I know now, back when I had 2 or 3 children. So I am going to start sharing some of the secrets I have discovered that have really made a difference to the quality of our life. And as it turns out: our bank balance. This post is just the beginning. I encourage you to share your ideas too, as we are all different, and I am only too happy to learn.

Begin to be more organised.

1) Discover what is making you feel disorganised, and decide to deal with that first.

There is always one thing that seems to cause the most problems when it comes to feeling organised, but it is different for different people, depending on where we are at at the time. Perhaps it's that no one can ever find what they need when it is time to walk out the door, or deciding on matching clothing, or finding pencils or other stationary items when they are needed, or attending to school notes or bills on time, or constant calendar clashes....I could go on forever here!

Pick something that for you is number one right now. Choose to focus on just that, until it is dealt with, organised and under control. Don't be tempted to fix everything at once, or even 10 things at once. You can't. It will be too overwhelming and nothing will be accomplished. Almost everyone can work on one thing, even if it is a tiny little bit at a time.

2) Clear the obvious clutter.

I do this all the time. Yesterday I filled the kitchen bin twice while the kids were at school and I was cleaning house. Don't keep stuff you know will not be used and attend to the stuff that needs your attention right away. For example in busy seasons I put catalogues straight in the recycling, unless I am on the look out for a particular item. Ask yourself if items are worth the amount of time taken to maintain and clean them. Remember you have to give up part of your finite life to look after all the things you have, so make sure they are worth the investment, especially as they take time away from the people in your life.

3) Do one small part at a time. OR spend a whole day taking everything out, only putting back what you actually use.

These two methods work really well. It will depend on the room in question, the time you have available and the degree to which speed is important.

Our downstairs area is my current project. It is not overly important so I am using the first method. When I did the study (which was causing us major issues in many areas of our lives as a family) I used the latter method while Craig kept the kids busy out of the house (teamwork!!!)

With the first method so one or two things a day, like just putting books away, nothing more. If it takes up too much time it's easy to put it off. 5-10 minutes is much more achievable.

With the second method, allocate a whole day in your calendar. Take everything out of the room. Then put back all the items that are genuinely used, in places where it is natural and convenient for them to be kept.

4) Decide on a system - but make it as simple as possible. Be realistic!

When deciding on a system, think: can it be maintained even if everyone in the house is sick at the same time? If it can, you are onto a winner. For us, we have built and altered systems over time. Simple things like: bills are opened and placed beside the computer right away, which is also where the kids put school notes. This works because the computer is a couple of steps from the kitchen, and has direct line of sight to the stove top. This means I can pay bills, write for the blog, do work for work, or fill out school notes while I cook or even wait for the kettle to boil. If our study was a room or more away this would never work, because I wouldn't see the bills or notes, and could quite possibly forget they are there.

In other words it has to work for the life you actually lead, not for the life you dream about aiming for. Pinterest is great for ideas, and I have a few boards dedicated to organisation, but I have had to alter systems in almost every case, because every family and person is different.

There is so much I could say about how to set up systems that work, and home/furniture arrangements that flow well, so perhaps I will write more at a later date.

5) Maintain the systems and decide if they really fit well with the rhythm of your home. 

Boring I know! But probably one of the most important steps.

If the system you have put in place is too much work, seems hard, or goes against the grain of what your family generally does - it just won't work. At all. Be flexible with what you have set up, remind the rest of the family gently, and get their opinions too. If something is causing too much stress, it needs to be changed so it doesn't. You only get one life. Organise, streamline and get rid of the clutter to find more time to do the things you love. You may just find the tasks that you dreaded, become a more happy part of life as well.

If you have questions, please comment so I can take them into account in following posts.

What areas do you struggle to be organised in?

Jen.x

5 steps for parents: when you need something to change.

Every parent and child face challenges. It would be easy to look around and come to the conclusion that it's just you who is dealing with challenging issues with your child/ren, but it is simply not true. Most parents have concerns about at least one of their children much of the time. With 5, I am pretty much always considering answers to problems that I see surfacing, while I am feeling I have finally helped another child reach a solution. Accepting this as our normal has helped me a great deal as a parent, and has helped me feel calm when issues arise, because I know what to do to eventually find a solution or at least something that works for us. Today I am going to share the sequence of 5 steps Craig and I generally go through for each pattern of negative behaviour we see with each of our children. Sometimes there are very minor issues that need little intervention, other times all 5 steps are required to work towards finding something that helps the child.

1) Identify the key issues. Stand back for a moment when the child is not around and really think. Give this some real, considered time. Is it constant meltdowns, crying about what seems like nothing, being hurtful to siblings/others, not engaging with anyone, hating school, refusing to help out even a little at home, destroying property of their own or others, not eating, not sleeping well, making little or very slow progress in reading or learning in general......etc? Be specific with what you have noticed, not simply as a one off insistence, but ongoing behaviours that are affecting the wellbeing of your child.

If possible include the child's other parent in this step (and all steps) so you are both on the same page. Stay away from blame and arguing. Remember that you are trying to move forward together. If there are issues with one parent's actions, it will become hopefully clear to that parent by going through these sequence of steps. If not, speak calmly providing suggestions and listen carefully to responses. At times the professional help may be needed for a parent in one of the later steps.

2) Consider first the obvious things that we often think are too simple to be the answer: food, water, sleep, comfort, level of activity/rest, time with others vs time to themselves, time at home vs time outside of the home. The following barely skims the surface of the affects that the above mentioned can have. If you recognise that one of these areas is the cause of other issues, professionals in the remaining steps can give you further guidance.

Food

Food can have a huge impact on every part of a child's life. The problem is that many families believe they are eating reasonably heathy food, because it is their normal. Really take a good look at what the child is actually eating. Especially consider additives to the food. Is there a balance of protein, good fats, fibre, carbohydrates? Refined/highly processed foods can be a big trigger for many types of negative behaviour patterns, especially when it is found with high doses of sugar. Juice and other things high in sugar can give children all the calories they need for the day very quickly, leaving them not wanting food, but lacking in the protein and fibre they need to get through the day happily. 

If the problem is a child not eating meals, has food over the entire day been considered? Children, especially young children, don't eat beyond the calories necessary for the day, so make them count. Is food given at routine times? For many things routine isn't entirely necessary for all children, but when it comes to food it is very important. As adults, we can feel hungry based on our general eating times and have a good hour or so to satisfy that hunger. Children have about 20 minutes. Set reasonable times for snacks and meals and try to stick to 20 minutes either side as much as possible. Also consider thirst and boredom if a child is constantly claiming to be hungry, but then refuses to eat meals.  

If there is negative behaviour surrounding meal times for both children and adults take a breath and try not to engage. Making wise decisions about food and eating is a life skill, and one that can not be forced. Clearing a plate isn't necessarily the best for every person, especially if there are underlying issues that may need to be addressed. Instead serve up reasonable portions of heathy food and offer no substitutes or bribes. Dessert really isn't needed. If given time to adjust to the changes, the child still refuses to eat, gather information in the form of a food diary and go to step 3.

Sleep

Note down how much sleep the child is having. Is bedtime regular? Is the child waking happily of their own accord? Is there anything that could be interfering with their sleep? Is the room they are sleeping in hot (cold with blankets is preferable to too hot)? Is the room they sleep in uncluttered and clean? Dust and dust mites can really affect the quality of sleep, especially for those with allergies. Are they scared about something in their room? Is the child lonely? If they like being with lots of people in the day, being alone at night can be horrible. Have you really listened to what they think they need to sleep or their frustrations? Have you considered that they may not need as much sleep as the norm? Is the child active enough physically and mentally throughout the day?

If lack of sleep or wakefulness through the night is a problem, try some of the following. Take excess toys, books, furniture out of the room for a time, and give it a good clean. Think simply sleep when choosing what to put back (few to no toys other than stuffed animals and books). Make sure sheets are cleaned weekly. Wash all stuffed toys and hang them in the sun to dry. Move the bed to a different location in the room. Check for hidden mould. Wash curtains, or consider getting block outs. Wash or replace pillows. Try different bedding (thinner blankets, different type of quilt.) Set a realistic bed time. Change bedtime to lightly earlier or later. Read stories at bedtime. If child showers before bed, change to a bath, or the opposite. Try different bath/shower products that intended to be less irritating.  Shower child close to bed time (not too hot as it energises) as going to a cooler bedroom after warming up signals the body that it is time to rest (slowing essential metabolic functions).

Every child is different, so what helps one child may not help another. I personally have one who needs to create her own 'nest' from her teddies, one who has to read for at least half an hour and needs lots of activity throughout the day, one who likes me to tell him the story of me always choosing him with many reassuring hugs in the last half hour before bed, one who struggles sometimes (still working through this with her, although things have improved) and one who needs a blankie, a baby doll and Cinderella to sleep. But then I have to write in my journal before I can sleep, yet Craig can fall asleep sitting just about anywhere! Take away your expectations about sleep and find something that works and go with it. Once there is some sleep, the how it happens can be more easily changed (slowly over time).

Consider what has happened in the past six months as even exciting things can be unsettling for children, and it takes time to feel safe and secure after changes. As much as we would like to rush things, sometimes just being there and going to them every time they are worried is actually the quickest and best solution. Remember parenting is a 24 hr job and they are learning how to treat people all the time, even at night. 

Comfort and activity levels

Everyone has a different level of need when it comes to comfort. What provides comfort for us all is different too, so talking to the child helps most here. What makes them feel calm? What makes them feel happy? When do they feel they can actually rest during the day/week? Do they feel rushed too often? Do they struggle to find things to do? Does everything feel too confusing or too structured? Do they feel they can relax and just be themselves?

Is the child feeling overwhelmed with everything on during their week? Do they wish they had more time to be with other people? Are they spending enough time participating in unstructured free play? Is the rhythm of the day not fitting with their natural rhythm? Do they need to go outside to play before school? Do they need time alone before school? Do they need more free time?  Does the child have a creative outlet? Are there enough opportunities to run around or play sports?

Some of these questions or others may lead you to realising that the child needs more alone time, more time with others, needs more guidance to find suitable activities to account for energy levels, needs a place set up in which to have needs met such as a place to be alone for a time, needs help finding a place/way to calm down when feeling anxious/angry/irritated etc. Make a plan and help them.

Once you have addressed any problems within these areas, check for change or improvement. If you see improvement, continue with the changes you have made and monitor. If there is no improvement given a reasonable amount of time and commitment to change, you will by now have probably noticed other behaviours due to monitoring. Write everything down. Keep hugging your child and move forward.

3) Gather information from others who have contact with your child. Teachers, preschool director/teacher, grandparents, uncles and aunts. They may have noticed something you haven't, or may have noticed the exact same behaviour/s as you have. Make notes, and especially approach any meeting at this point with an attitude of taking it all in, rather than trying to explain behaviour (this may need to come later if further professional help is needed). Listen to any suggestions made and consider implementing changes. Give each plan/idea time to note any positive changes. If there is some, continue with the plan, if none, move to step 4.

4) See your child's doctor (GP). It's important that this doctor is one your child sees regularly. If this doctor doesn't take your concerns seriously or brushes off your concerns as 'poor parenting' see someone else. By all means, if the doctor makes parenting suggestions that may be helpful, take them on board, but chances are that if you have reached this stage you have probably tried many parenting strategies already. Medically there are many things that can affect behaviour. Certain deficiencies can cause a whole host of problems, and allergies and intolerances can certainly affect eating patterns, sleep and behaviour too. Don't just take your child off certain foods to see how it goes, without medical help. It is better done in a controlled way with the guidance of a doctor or dietitian. For certain testing to be accurate it needs to be done BEFORE a child is taken off the suspected food, because otherwise the test results can be inaccurate. 

The doctor may advise tests or specialists that may be able to help further. Follow through with advice given and keep records that may be requested. Make sure you go back for any recommended follow ups, and go back if more information or clarification is needed.

5) Make contact with other professionals. If you have reached this step, decide which other professionals may be able to provide you with help. Paediatricians are a great place to start. Behavioural optometrists, speech pathologists, psychologists, dieticians, occupational therapists, audiologists, hospital sleep clinics, are just a few of those out there ready and happy to be consulted. Don't be afraid to contact them for advice, as that is what they are there for. There may be a long wait with some professionals, so make an appointment as soon as you feel it may be necessary. Parents don't need to wait until an issue becomes huge and unmanageable before making an appointment. Seeking professional advice with concerns early can mean many negative outcomes can be avoided.

All children - all PEOPLE - are different. Differences are great. They enable us to function as a society, with each of us holding special gifts to be used as part of a greater whole. Understanding, patience and kindness are needed. Just remember that sometimes help is needed too. Not all behaviours can be overlooked or ignored because they impact on a child's relationships with others and their life in general. Professionals are available to help give guidance, knowledge, and understanding in many areas. Everyone who is given the gift of this understanding and guidance can better cater for the needs of the child, and with everyone moving in the same direction, outcomes improve. 

Some issues may not require all these steps. Some investigations may vary in steps, for example a child with constant headaches, seeing an optometrist would be the best place to start.

At every point take a moment to breathe. Stop and think about your child and ask yourself if the action you are faced with will be a step forward. 

It may seem like an overwhelming process, but it is much better moving forward than sitting still worrying. 

This has been a brief overview of the process. There is much more that can help make this process work for you and your family, when searching for solutions. I will be writing more about this in the future, so if you have questions or part you would like more information about or further elaboration, please comment and I'll see what I can do.

Jen.x

12 ways to rescue a bad day!

Looking back to this morning, I should have known today would be a challenging day. A day that started with a toddler crying at 5:30 because she couldn't find Cinderella, followed by discovering no milk in the fridge, and entering a traffic jam within minutes of leaving the house. Challenging. But alas, I am not known for giving up! This day can be saved, even as I sit here wondering how to break it to Isabel, once she gets back from swimming, that I let Daisy play with her video camera Barbie, and she broke it.

So I will share with you my ideas that have worked well in the past, in the hope that something will turn this day around. And perhaps help someone else in the process.

1. A hot shower or bath. Ahhhh. And pjs.

2. Wine and take away. Once the kids are all in bed. It's almost like a date night! [For those of us who can't go out anymore. If you can - why aren't you!!!!!!!]

3. Shake it off! And dance! It's especially fun with kids because they can be really funny dancers. Or you could turn the music up and sing along- especially helpful when stuck in the kitchen or kids are 'disagreeing.'

4. Have a cup of tea. Or any hot drink really. Just take a moment to regroup and make a mental plan to move forward. 

5. Go and spend time outdoors. Watch the waves crash on the shore, river flow, or walk along beside trees in a quiet space.

6. Do something intentionally for someone else with no expectation of anything to be given in return. Impossible not to smile after deliberate kindness.

7. Hugs. Kids, partner, whoever! 

8. Get some perspective. How does this day fit with your whole life? Is it really that big a deal? Take a step back and look at everything that is going on around you.

9. Reframe the day. Go back over the day reframing the events. For example: this morning Daisy woke me up at 5:30 to find Cinderella. Thankfully I had a spare in the cupboard a few steps from my bed. I was able to help her calm down quickly. Fairy godmother at your service right here!

10. Give someone else a genuine compliment. Even if your day feels like a bit of a disaster, it will not feel completely lost if you have made someone else's day.

11. Write down, or mentally note, a few things you are thankful for when looking back over your day. For me: driving home a bit late meant that I experienced every minute of sunset! Looking out over the Illawarra from the top of Bulli Pass with an almost completely pink sky and purple-blue water beyond was amazing.

12. Go to bed. Sleep. Everything always looks better in the morning.

Have you tried any of these? What are your best ideas for rescuing a bad day?

to

Jen.x