When you are worried about your child.

As a very honest parent of 5 children with one on the way, and a teacher who has worked in learning support for a number of years, many parents feel really comfortable asking me questions.

And I don't mind one bit.

Because I know. I've been there. And I'm not about to pretend otherwise.

There is no judgement, only empathy.

Lately I have been hearing the same questions asked over and over. They are asked tentatively. Parents are often very unsure. They are often afraid. Not of answers. Never answers. They are desperate for answers. But of feeling like they are being silly, or making a big deal about nothing, or being overprotective. They don't want to waste anyones' time.

Worst of all, they think that maybe it is just something they are doing wrong as a parent.

This kills me.

Not only because I think that being concerned in the first place shows just how amazing a parent they are, but because I know that feeling all too well. It can be crippling.

So here goes. These are the questions and statements that often start the tough conversations.

• My child can't seem to keep up at school.
• He/she just doesn't seem to understand Maths/English/reading/writing/adding/etc.
• My child is staying awake at night worried that they can't do________.
• She/he is coming home upset every day because it's too hard to concentrate.
• I know there are kids who find learning so difficult. I shouldn't even worry, but even though it's not a big problem I can see his/her confidence beginning to suffer.
• My child won't stop saying they are bad at Maths/reading. I just don't know what to do or say anymore.
• The school is doing a great job helping my child, but I feel more needs to be done. I just don't know what.
• Should I take him/her to see a specialist? Where do I even start? Don't I need a referral?
• I am worried that he/she is falling further and further behind.
• The teachers have said not to worry, but I just can't stop. I know my child and I know that they are not coping. The teacher doesn't see how he/she is as a result of school.
• I tell my child we are all good at different things. And he/she is!!! But he/she has a small problem with _________. It doesn't seem to be going away. I don't know what to next. Should I accept that he/she will just never be good at it?
• He/she holds it together all day and we have terrible evenings as a result. I can't take much more.
• This isn't a big problem, I know. I probably shouldn't even be worried! But I can't shake the thought that something is being missed. Something just isn't quite right.
• Is her worrying normal?
• Am I just wasting someone's time going to see them?
• I encourage my child in every way, but I see that they just don't believe they are able to do as well as other children.
• Can you give me advice on where to go for help?
• I am worried there may be something wrong with my child. 

I could go on.

My answer is almost always going to be the same. So if you have these questions bubbling inside, this is for you.

You know your child.

You know your child and you know there is something not quite right. If there wasn't, you wouldn't be feeling what you are feeling right now. And these questions would not feel at all familiar.

You know it's time to do something. You know that it is time to find out whether there is a problem or not. It's always the time, because waiting rarely accomplishes anything in these situations other than creating more anxious parents and children experiencing more frustration.

Your child knows what you think. They know how you feel. They feel your worry too. And they would give anything to see the end of it. They may not always act like it, but they want nothing more than to please you, and it is hard for them knowing that that is just something they don't know how to do right now.

Your child wants to do better. They want to feel differently. They want to feel successful. They want to know that they 'can'. But right now they are stuck at 'I can't'. They need help to move forward. They need to know that asking for help is a good thing. They need to know that everyone needs help with something at some stage. They don't want to feel so alone in their struggle. They want to feel there is a way out.

There is a chance that continuing to do nothing and waiting can help. It might. Sometimes problems with children do just disappear. Some problems can be too much worry about nothing. And maybe you will go and seek help only to feel like you made a big deal about nothing. Maybe you are.

But what are you willing to risk.

When considering whether or not to do something with my children I follow each worst case scenario right to the end. And choose. I choose which end I would be happy to experience with no regrets, if I absolutely had to.

On one hand: you seek help and find out you are being ridiculous. You are blowing all of this out of proportion. You are just a terrible parent who needs parenting lessons. Every specialist rolls their eyes and tells you that your child is absolutely completely normal and you have just wasted their time and your money. You walk away feeling humiliated. You were wrong. Completely wrong. And you will have to live your life knowing you made this mistake.

On the other hand. You choose not to seek help. You wait. Years pass. Eventually you are forced to seek help and you find out your feelings all those years ago were right. You were right and you did nothing. Your child has suffered in the meantime. They now have problems beyond the original ones due to the years of wasted opportunities to help your child. They missed years of appointments with specialists and tutors who could have helped, who could have made a difference. Teachers along the way have never been able to accommodate for your child's special needs, because they didn't know- they were never given suggestions, so your child has continued to believe it is just them. They feel that they are beyond hope. They tell you that they are just 'dumb', which is sadly better than what they tell themselves when they are alone. You feel like you should have done more. You wish you had been braver. You wish you had followed your instincts. You know you would give anything to go back and do something. Do anything. But you can't. And now you will have to live with the knowledge that you were wrong to do nothing.

Worst case scenarios I know. These are rarely the reality we experience, but I know which I'd be happy to live with if I had to.

When it comes down to it, I will happily do anything for my children. I will give them what they need. I will be there when they need me.

And I will gladly be the crazy parent willing to be completely wrong and humiliate myself for my child. I have put myself in that position before and I will gladly do it again.

I took one child to 3 different optometrists over a couple years. I'm sure the 4th, this time a behavioural optometrist, may have rolled her eyes. Then an eye muscle problem was found, new glasses were given to relax her eye muscles. But I didn't stop there. Things improved, but 6 months later I took her back, because there were still issues. I could tell. I sat through another appointment (thinking I was perhaps making a big deal about nothing!) until I saw her unable to complete a practice question for a visual processing test. My heart sunk. Moments later though, her specialist thought to recheck the strength of her glasses, as her eye muscles were finally behaving normally. 5 increases in her glasses' strength later, she restarted the visual processing test easily, receiving results 3 yrs beyond her age level.

Her school results were average. She had no behaviour problems in class, and never complained about her eyes (to her they were normal!) She had already seen many people. I could have left it at that. I could have left her unknowingly struggling to see. But I didn't. I risked being told I was making a big about nothing, and now I have a daughter who loves to read, can finally use punctuation, and is learning how to spell. Best of all, her confidence continues to grow, and my concern has disappeared. My only regret is that I didn't push more sooner.

I choose not to live in regret however. I choose to not only learn from my experiences, but also share them in the hope that other parents will never have a single regret. I share so that every child has the opportunity to receive the help they need. Even if that help is a tiny amount needed.

What next?

Stop googling and trying to solve the problem alone. If you are turning to Google for the same problem over and over, stop, and seek professional help. Google doesn't know your child. You might stumble upon an answer, but realistically you are more likely to find help elsewhere. Note that the internet can be helpful later on after seeing specialists (through online support groups, helpful FB pages, and Pinterest collections of activities to help with specific issues).

Speak to your child's teacher. Honestly. No skirting around the issue. No minimising or exaggerating or worrying about judgement from them. Plain and simple honesty. Trust me when I say they know your child very well too. Working together may be all that is needed. If you feel better after speaking with them, walk away determined to give their suggestions a go. Trust the teacher. If he/she points you in the direction of specialists, make the calls and follow through with attending appointments. Then go and see them after the appointments. If you are not happy with the teacher's response, go back and see them again.

Make the call you have been thinking about for a while. If you have been thinking about the possible need for a specialist consult over a period of time and you are still thinking about it, call. This can include but is not limited to psychologists, speech therapists,  behavioural optometrists, paediatricians, doctors, occupational therapists, audiologists, physiotherapists.

I hope you find the answers you and your child need, and also the peace that can be found with them.
Jen.x

Simplifying. Time and freedom.

Yesterday was a great day. It was a hard day, but great at the same time.

Yesterday we finally said goodbye to all the delayed decisions, and in the process discovered some very important things.

But let me go back a step.

We moved into our current home five and a half years ago. We moved from a tiny house with no garage to a home with four bedrooms, two livings areas and a study. Not to mention a massive garage, storage room, and underhouse storage area. Over the years many furniture items and other things have been replaced. Our new home had a very different living area with many windows and doors, so our furniture just didn't work. We added another family member. Kids started school. Craig has worked endless shift work. I had a operation and another pregnancy. It was insanely busy.

We tried hard to keep on top of everything, especially in the rooms we live in every day (which are mostly organised). BUT as time went on we begun to notice something: the storage areas were becoming more useful. Instead of deciding what to do with some items we put them downstairs to deal with later. Perhaps we might find another use for them? What if we need the item later? We didn't need to deal with the item immediately because we had plenty of space. After all storage should be used, right?

I have been reading about simplifying for a couple of years now. We have streamlined much around our home and in our lifestyle. We have a school notes 'spot', a great mudroom which has certainly taken the stress out of having 4 at school, the kitchen isn't all packed in (there is cupboard space), hand soap is the only item on the vanity in our bathroom, the children are down to one extracurricular activity each, and the laundry is fantastic.

Lately, with many other stresses invading my life, I began to feel overwhelmed with our home again. It took a little while to determine the cause. It was the storage. And toys.

My wonderful sister is the very best at getting rid of 'stuff'. She can look past all the what-ifs and make wise decisions on what is really needed. And she is very tough. She agreed to help me! My brother in law came along to help Craig with the muscle work.

The big decision was what to do with everything. We could have put it all up for sale. It would have been the wisest decision, especially considering I don't have any work past April and I am having a sixth baby.

But I just couldn't.

You see we have been amazingly blessed as a family. Every time we have had disaster strike, incredible things have happened. I couldn't ignore that.

I wanted all the things we no longer had need for, to go to families that really did need these items. So instead we listed a 'free to all' advertisement on Facebook and waited.

We saw many grateful faces, on parents and children alike. The amount of items that were collected in one day was astounding. At least three quarters of the toys we had in storage were given away. One child of mine came downstairs to check on what was happening, and was worried. That is until I asked her to tell me what was missing. She couldn't name one item.

That confirmed it for me: these items that meant little more than a bit of security to us, meant so much more for others. 

However, the best part came later.

This morning I woke up feeling lighter. Happier. And feeling free!

It can not be underestimated how much the 'stuff' in our lives can weigh us down and stress us out. It might seem strange, but letting go actually adds to life. Space, and less maintenance of 'things' means life can be filled with what is so much more important. Taking ourselves back to what we need, and what "sparks joy" (read Marie Kondo!!) can give us the gift of time and freedom.

It's not until I experienced this is a really big way was I able to completely comprehend it.

I urge you to take a moment to consider: what are you holding onto that would mean more to someone else, and freedom for yourself, by letting it go?

I'm going to leave you with a quote (that a lovely friend posted for me!) It really steeled my resolve to part with all that didn't add to our life as a family. I will continue to re-read it, because we are still not done. But after my experience, instead of feeling daunted, I can't wait to continue our journey!

"Your home should be the antidote to stress. Not the cause." - Peter Walsh.

Have you ever decided to part with a whole heap of items all at once? How did you feel afterwards? Do you need to have a big clear out or part with some items that are not adding to your life? How do you plan to do it? Share your simplifying stories! We all do things differently and your story may just help another person out there....

Jen.x